Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

This Guy Had an INSTADATE!

June 06, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
This Guy Had an INSTADATE!
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Have you ever let fear hold you back from approaching someone you were attracted to?
In this inspiring episode, I share an incredible story of a guy in my coaching program who overcame his fear of approaching women and ended up having an instadate with a stunning older woman at an airport. By taking action, even when we've failed many times before, we can find the courage to step out of our comfort zone and make amazing things happen.

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Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, andy, here I went from depressed and suicidal to living a life of sexual and financial abundance and joy. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too. I wanted to jump on here and share a really, really, really cool story with one of the guys in my coaching program. Man, i'm so excited for this guy. So this was someone who had been pushing himself to talk to women more and put himself out there, and he's been working at an airport or he's been visiting an airport And he's had all these moments where there's women that he wants to talk to and he's sort of been a little shy about it. He's not someone that has a ton of confidence when it comes to hitting on women in person, and so all of us in the group have been sort of rallying around him and saying, come on, man, just hang in there, just stay out there. Every single minute that you're out on those front lines just trying to talk to women is an absolute success. And he's been sort of beating himself up and saying, man, what's wrong with me, like I can't talk to any of these women Being such a pussy. And we've just really drilled it into this guy that if you're just out there trying that is like infinitely more than the average guy will ever do in his life. You guys have to understand the average guy is not out there trying to learn to talk to women, he's not going to the gym and trying to build a better body, he's not trying to make money, he's not trying to live a better life. He says that he wants those things, but he's not taking action. And so if you're just even trying, even if you're not massively succeeding, that is a success in itself. The trying, the action taking, is the success. So we said to this guy good fucking job. And he just made a post, literally 30 minutes ago, that I thought, man, i have to read this out. This is. This just makes me so excited, especially because, you know, i obviously know this guy. I know you guys don't know this guy, but I've just been rooting for this guy ever since he joined the coaching program. I've just I love this dude. So he said, fuck, yeah, just had an instadate at the airport with an absolutely stunning older woman. And an instadate just basically means, you know, you hit on a girl, hit on a woman, and you say do you want to go grab a coffee right now And you go have a date literally as soon as you hit on her. So he says first I was walking around for 30 minutes without approaching And he made a post earlier this morning saying what's wrong with me? I've been out for 30 minutes and I was just like, bro, you're doing good, you're doing good, and look what's happened. So he says, you know, i finally hit this girl. She really appreciated it. Then I left. Then I had passed this MILF like 10 times or so. I told myself that if I passed her again, i would approach her. Yeah, this is something that I really want to underline. So many times people will beat themselves up, or guys will beat themselves up when they fail to actually approach a woman, and this applies to every girl. How many times do you guys and girls beat yourselves up when you don't actually take action? But what I said, and what we all said, is man, just because you've failed to hit on her 10 times doesn't mean you can't take the 11th opportunity, like especially if it's a woman that just happens to be sitting on a bench, or she happens to be there, or maybe you see her every day. It doesn't matter how many times you fail or don't hit on her, you can just take the next opportunity. And so, yeah, he did that He said. Just before I was about to leave, i saw this MILF again at a bar, out of the corner of my eye. I hesitated for like five minutes, and that's perfectly okay. By the way, you guys have no idea how many times I have hesitated. I hesitate sometimes to do some of the deeper, more vulnerable, more open content. You know I will procrastinate for days or weeks before I'll finally sit down and do one of those big videos where I'm really pouring my heart out, like the one I did on my YouTube channel about going to prison and that time in my life I've hesitated so many times on women that I wanted to hit on, where I would just stand there for like five minutes feeling like a complete freak, feeling like man, why can't I fucking do this? I'm being so creepy right now She's probably seen me already and I'm just standing here looking at her. What's wrong with me? And then finally I would push myself and I'd go fuck it, i'm just going to do it. And I ended up getting numbers and I've even slept with a few women like that where I hesitate for so fucking long, i finally do it and nothing bad happens. In fact, amazing shit happens. So he goes on to say you know, i hesitated for like five minutes and then I remembered Andy's audio, because I had left him an audio about at least 10 people benefiting from me approaching, and I said fuck it. And approached her at the bar. So what I said? there was a podcast or an audio that I did where I basically said you're giving something to women when you approach them. If you do it in a polite, nice way, you give them a compliment. You know, you tell them that they're attractive or they're pretty or they're cute or they're hot or whatever it is. You talk to them for a little bit and ask for the phone number. You're making them feel good. And obviously not every woman wants to be hit on, but 98% of women want to be hit on, and so you're making the vast majority of women that you hit on feel good. Even if they have a boyfriend, even if they're not into you, you at least gave them a compliment and talked to them for a little bit and then were polite when they weren't interested. That feels good, that makes a lot of women's days, and so it sounds like you fully internalize that and was like, okay, like fuck it, i have to approach her. Like the last 10 women that I approached, they were happy that I approached. They literally told me thank you for doing this, and he did. He had several that literally said to him thank you, like I really appreciate this. So he goes on to say I told her is in this milk? that I thought she was very attractive and if I asked if I could get a drink with her, she was extremely flattered and she accepted. I was thinking of introducing myself. I won't say out his name. I'll give context here. Basically, this guy has used a nickname for all of his life, almost of his life, and one of the things that he actually one of the goals that he had when you join the coaching program is he's like Andy, listen, i want to commit to not using my nickname anymore. I want to use my real name and I was like bro, that's fucking amazing. I think in his case it's a little bit. I haven't actually asked him. Maybe I'll ask him after this podcast. I think it's because of his ethnicity And I've seen this a lot, especially with Asians, right, specially Chinese people, where they'll grab, they'll make like a Western name Because you know they want to fit in, they want it to be easier for people to pronounce. But I've had so many Chinese girls that I've dated And you know they'll tell me their name and I'll immediately be like no, no, no, what's like your real name. I don't give shit about your Western name. What's your real name? And they'll tell me their real name and I'm like that's a fucking sick name, like when you use that name and you know they'll explain, it's just harder for people to understand. Blah, blah, blah. And I will commit to calling them by the real name from then on and I'll be like no, i'm only going to call you by this. I like this fucking name. So I really respect, i really liked this guy's doing that, that he's committing to his proper name And absolutely no fucking hate. If you don't want to use your real name, you use a nickname. I'm using a nickname. Andy's not my real name. My real name is Andrew. I use Andy because I just like the way it sounds better. So no hate there. But I love seeing people commit to being their authentic self and this felt like his authentic self, his original name. In my case, andy feels like my authentic self anyway, so he's committed to that. He said he introduced himself to this milk as his real name. Fucking love that. I love, like I said, guys committing to being their real selves God, he even goes on to say that. So I decided to use my real name to commit myself to the real me, beautiful Good thing to. Because she knew another guy with the same name and we ended up having a big conversation about that. I was honestly very nervous during our conversation. Yep, this is evidence that you don't have to be good at this shit. I've been nervous so many times. You guys have no idea how many podcasts I've done and YouTube videos where I'm just fucking terrified, but I do it anyway, like good shit. And I was obviously terrified for my first maybe a hundred approaches, my first, maybe I don't know 50 tinder dates. I was just like very fucking nervous. I've always been a very anxious and socially anxious person. I really have really terrified, but you just give yourself permission to suck and you do it anyway. So he goes on to say I blanked a lot during the conversation. Yeah, yet again, it doesn't fucking matter. Guys, you don't have to fucking be smooth on these conversations. You don't have to be smooth on dates. You know, like women are sitting there Autistically analyzing every single thing you say and every mannerism and going like, okay, well, on a scale of one to ten, how confident and smooth is? this guy know, most of the women that you talk to are extremely fucking nervous to, because guess what their people, their human beings and human beings get nervous when they're in a situation That is pressure, like social pressure, or maybe they haven't done it very much, or maybe they have, but it's been a while, or maybe there's not super confident. It's so unbelievably common And any woman listening will be like, yeah, you fucking retard. Of course we get nervous on days, but I think we as guys are so Focused on our own nervousness that we can't see hey, maybe she's nervous to. And we put all this pressure on ourselves to perform because we're men and that's Sort of what men do in dating situations right, where the performer, generally speaking, and the woman is generally speaking, the one who says yes or no to our performance. So it feels a little bit like a performance. But that's why I say just give yourself permission to suck, because she's not sitting there judging you as harshly as you think she is or she's not judging you as harshly as you're judging yourself. And even if she says no, thank you cool, there's a million technically four billion other women out on the planet that you can go and talk to, so there's plenty of other options out there. Don't put this pressure on yourself. So he says. She asked me most of the questions during a conversation. That happens a lot, that dynamic, when you date older women. And now full context. I haven't dated a lot of older women I think maybe like 10 women ever in my life that are older than me. But I've found the same thing And I've had quite a few coaching clients who do date older women And we've all sort of noticed like older women are just obviously because they're older, they're more experienced, they are better at sort of taking the lead conversation wise. So any of you that are nervous, it can sort of help a little bit if you date older women. I had one client that I didn't interview with. He's on my YouTube channel And he lost his virginity with an older woman. I had another guy that specifically sought out older women to lose his virginity because he's like bro, i'm too fucking nervous, i can't do this. I need a woman that's experienced and knows what she's doing, and so I'm gonna specifically screen for that. So older women give a big shout out to them. I told her how nerve-wracking it was and that I was very nervous. I fucking love that. Oh, my God, i love that. So I talk about this all the time. Guys and girls, when you're on a date or when you're doing maybe you're doing a closing call for your business or something, you're in sales or something, or maybe you're just I don't know asking your boss for a promotion, whatever it is. Maybe you're meeting new friends, maybe you're at a party. If you're nervous and terrified to the point where you feel like you're struggling to function, well, just tell the other person. Like so many times we treat the other people like they're the enemy, like we have to keep on this mask, this facade of having our shit together. Nah, fuck that. It's so much easier to just say, look, i don't have my shit together right now. I'm nervous. Because most of the time, the other person will say, either I'm nervous too, and then hey, now we're on the same team, okay, cool, i don't feel so bad. Now You're nervous, i'm nervous, i guess I'm not so weird, cool, isn't this great? Or they will say I understand, like I've been nervous before. Or I get it Like let me help you and they will help you. Very few people will hear you say I'm nervous and go oh you little fucking loser, like that's like one in a hundred people, maybe one in 500 people will use that against you or will think less of you. The vast majority of humans will actually think more of you because they're like damn, that was probably really fucking hard for you to admit, which means you just showed courage, which is how most people will view an admission of nervousness. They will view it as an act of courage And the vast majority of human beings will go holy fuck, like that's fucking epic. I've been at like parties and shit like that, and it tends to be actually autistic people that are the most honest about this, which is probably why I like autistic people so much. I have a lot of them in my coaching programs. But I've been at parties where there's someone that's autistic and they literally just immediately tell me like hey, i'm autistic, i'm not very good at parties like this. I'm not very good at social situations. I'm like bro, that's fucking sick that you just told me that. Okay, like, dude, i'll fucking carry the conversation. What do you want to talk about, bro? Like, what do you want to do? If there's anyone you want me to introduce you to, i will. If you feel a little nervous, like by yourself, i got you man, that's all good, i'll just make sure I hang. Just hang around me, bro. Like I'll hang around you all night. That's good, dude. Like I won't leave your side. If that makes you feel better, it's all good. Like add me on Facebook, we'll be fucking friends. I've done that like multiple fucking times because I respect the living shit out of the person who admits I'm not good at this. I'm nervous, i don't know what to do. I fucking love that shit and so many other people love that stuff too. But I think we're often too terrified to admit I'm nervous, especially on a date, because we put this pressure on ourself, especially as the men, where we're like I have to be this alpha male, chad, i have to have my shit together, i have to be James fucking Bond and carry the conversation and be smooth and be like charming. It's like no fuck that. Just admit that you're not very good at this thing and then that gives you the room to improve. Because if you sit there Trying to pretend that you're good at something, half of your or most of your energy and focus and and brain power is Going towards you keeping up the facade. It's your wasting time and energy and brain power on trying to fake it, on trying to look confident. You're literally wasting that energy and brain power. But if you just admit, hey look, i'm not super smooth at this shit, i'm not super experienced, now you can fucking relax a little bit. And now you can spend your time and energy and brain power on actually listening to what the other person is saying to you, on actually talking about things that you want to talk about, on having fun, because you can relax a little bit and Divert that brain power towards what is right in front of you, the present fucking moment. So, instead of being so in your head being often some other dimension where you're pretending to be this charming, smooth James Bond, a motherfucker, no, you can be right here in the present with the person that's in front of you and the dates go 10,000 times better, because she doesn't think you're being weird. We act weird when we're in our own head. You literally act weird. When you're trying to act confident, you do. You act fucking weird because you're so uptight, because you're so in your head You miss what she's saying, you're not present, You can't think, you blank out and all of that. It's far easier to just say, yo, i'm blanking out right now because I'm fucking nervous, hey, and then she'll go that's okay, like what if we talk about this and you know, yes, we cool, so I love that. So I'm going to keep reading what he said. We talked about some things, but she lived in maybe. I won't say where she lived, she lived in a different state. So I didn't see a point in getting her contact info. I Still would have, i might get this guy to listen to this podcast, but I still absolutely would have gotten her contact info. I think it's better To push yourself. If you're someone that's inexperienced and nervous, it's better to push yourself as far as you possibly can. I did an article called you're not obligated to have sex with somebody, and In that what I talked about is you want to push these interactions or these conversations as far as they possibly can go. Like I wouldn't say, have sex with someone That you don't want to have sex with. But Push it as far as you can, because what you're doing is practicing. You're practicing asking for a woman's phone number, especially if that's something like in this guy's case that you're very nervous doing. Get as much practice in as you possibly can, even if you have no intention of going on a date with those women. Just be very honest and say hey, like send him a text and just say, hey, it was really great meeting you, you know. Thanks, like, that's all you have to say. And if she says, do you want to grab a drink, you can say, hey, actually, like I'm, you know I'm probably not, but it was a really great meeting. Like be honest. Or you can just never fucking send her a text in the first place. If you want to like whatever you're more comfortable with, i don't really think it matters that much. In that case, like, all you've really done is have a short conversation with someone and They get their phone number. It's not like you guys have spent five hours together or something and then she'll be heard if you don't text her. But Whatever you guys and girls are comfortable with, but yeah, i'm a big fan of just asking for a phone number with every single Opportunity that you possibly can to get better at the act of asking for a phone number. Once you've done this a few times and you're really confident and you know You've had a bit of sex and you've had a bit of experience, sure, like you don't have to ask for numbers. But I definitely would be taking every opportunity that you possibly can to practice. And who knows, maybe she comes back into town Three months from now. You guys get to meet up, you have a fun night, you have a bit of fun, you take her around the town for a week or two. You know like that those. You never know what the future is going to hold. I did another article on my website called always keep an open mind, and I talked about exactly this topic. Right, that It's worth shooting your shot because you can always get the phone number and then just say, hey, look, i don't want to go any further, like no harm. But if you don't get the phone number, what if you're sitting there going, fuck man, like maybe I would have liked to text her. Maybe I could have just sent her a text and said, hey, thank you for the day. Like I wish I could have sent her a text and said thank you for the date. That meant a lot to me, but now I can't because they didn't get a fucking phone number. So I will always be a big fan of getting people's phone numbers. The same thing at parties, by the way, like will meet up, so gatherings I get like everybody's fucking phone number, even if I then all their Facebook or the Instagram or whatever to be friends with them. And then if later on I'm thinking like I don't know, actually I'm really fucking busy, like I don't know if I have time for one more friend, you know like I like this person, but there I don't think they're like gonna be a game changer in my life. Okay, i just, i just want to invite them out. We can be Facebook friends or I just want to text them or whatever. So I'm always a big fan of pushing this shit as much as you possibly can, as far as you can, and obviously if the person says no yet that goes without saying that's fine, but I always ask for phone numbers of Facebook, so I think it's just a nice habit to be into. Also, it then has the beautiful side effect of when you are with a woman that you really like, an are into or you're gelling with some dude or some woman that you think would be a good friend, it's easier to ask for their contact details because it's something you've always done. You just ask everybody, as opposed to a lot of the time, people who don't practice asking for a phone number will meet someone that they really are like and they'll be too nervous to actually ask for a phone number. They won't do it and then they'll beat themselves up and it's like, yeah, because you didn't practice asking for phone number, so Get into that habits a beautiful habit to be into, although I will say he then went on and said She texted me a picture of us, so I do have her phone number. Okay, then how the fuck did you get? how did she get your phone number? okay, so whatever. So he's got a contact details. It sounds like he just didn't ask her. Maybe she asked him for phone number, in which case awesome yet, but I'm a big fan of getting the phone number every single time. She said multiple times that I made her day. Exactly my fucking point, ladies and gentlemen, when you hit on a woman And any woman listing if you want to start talking to some cute guys, if you, whenever we hit on the other person or just talk to them or just have a conversation like a friendly conversation with another human being, a lot of the time you do make that person's day. I think we often put it in our head that if we talk to people we don't know, we're bothering them, we're annoying them and it's this bull shit idea that parents teach their children don't ever talk to strangers. My rebuttal to that is yeah, i never meet anybody ever. Like how am I ever gonna meet new people if I don't ever talk to strangers? and now I understand why parents say that you know stranger danger and all of that shit. But I just think it gets so drilled into us from a young age that we become like closed off to other human beings and it's something we have to then learn to forget. When we hit, like our teenage or our 20 year old, like mid 20s or early 20s. We hit that stage in our life and we have to unlearn what our parents drilled into us Don't talk to strangers, fuck. Well then, how do I meet anyone? How do I get a new job? How do I go and apply for a new job? How do I meet new friends when I move to a new city? How do I date anyone? How do I start new hobbies and join new hobby groups? How do I fucking ask a random person for directions when I'm lost? How do I go overseas and travel Like? I can't do any of that without meeting people that I don't know, in other words, strangers. So we have to sort of unlearn this and again, not to shit on parents. I completely understand why parents drill that into us, but man, it's just one more thing that is programmed into us that we have to unlearn as an adult. So yeah, i fucking love when you get that beautiful feedback from a woman or from another person where they say, hey, you really made my day by doing this. It just gives you that evidence that, oh, like, what I'm doing here is, in hitting on women, it's not anything to be ashamed of. I think a lot of guys have a lot of shame around it but, like no, some of the women are going to tell you you made my day, this was beautiful, thank you for doing this, like, i'm really glad you did this, and you go oh damn, this wasn't a zero sum game. It wasn't me getting something from the woman, it was me adding to her life and her adding to mine. This can be this beautiful reciprocal relationship. Even a casual sexual relationship can be this, and I push you, guys and girls, to make it this. It can be this beautiful game where you both or this beautiful dynamic where you both benefit, you both get something. It's fucking, you're adding to each other's lives. He goes on to say you know her telling me, that made my day. Yeah, look, he hit on her. And what happened? They both said this made my day. If he didn't hit on her, that wouldn't have happened. This is why I say and I said this in a podcast, i had a podcast about exactly this If you don't hit on a woman, you're depriving her of something. You're depriving her of making her day. You're depriving her of a nice conversation. You're depriving her of a compliment. You're depriving of her of feeling good about herself. You're depriving her of the opportunity to meet you and you're depriving yourself of that same opportunity to meet her. What if she's the most amazing, wonderful woman that you've ever met in your entire life and you didn't ever fucking get to meet her because you didn't hit on her? What if you can give her so much value and add so much to her life. Make her feel amazing about herself, mentor her, guide her, push her, grow with her. Inspire her by your own self-improvement to have these deep, meaningful conversations with her, have a wild, amazing sex life with her. What if all of that could have happened and you deprived yourself and her of that because you were too afraid to hit on her? and fear is fine. But don't lie to yourself and say, oh, i'd probably be bothering her if I hit on her. I'd probably just be annoying to her. She probably just think I'm a creep. No, don't fucking lie to yourself with that, because you don't know. And I do know because I've hit on a ridiculous amount of women at this point and had a ridiculous amount of sex I think like fucking who knows 300 women or something. At this point I don't count anymore 90% of those 95, it's more now It's like 98% of the people that I sleep with or date. Tell me you added a lot to my life and I tell them you added a lot to my life And I would be depriving them and myself of that opportunity if I didn't at least say hi and see if they're interested and see if I'm interested. So I love that he found this. I love that this woman that he was with had a great time too. He said I was grinning ear to ear after I left and everybody who replied to that just said, like man, fucking awesome, good job, champ. Like fuck you. Everyone's like super fucking happy in these replies in the coaching group. I'm super happy for him. Guys and girls, if you do feel Like that pressure to go and talk to a woman, fucking act on it like you really are taking something away, you're depriving yourself and her of a beautiful opportunity to have a beautiful, meaningful interaction or some intimacy or even something more. Who fucking knows? that's the point. Keep an open mind. It might develop into something amazing. When I look at everything that I've built with image in my girlfriend over the last five years, imagine if I just hadn't fucking talk to her and hadn't had sex with her. Imagine if I go like no, you know, she probably just would be bothered by me. Like no, you know, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't have everything that I have right now. She wouldn't have everything that she has right now. Imagine if we miss that just because I was too scared of bothering her. I was too scared that I was too creepy, where I was worried what other people or she might think No, fuck, that I wouldn't have everything I have. So that's why we're doing this in the first place. Ladies and gentlemen, this isn't just about sex. This isn't just about hitting on. Some woman know. This is about the deeper, beautiful stuff that comes after You do that. A first initial approach to get out there get approaching. If you would like to join the coaching program and have me be as passionate about you and your story as I am with this guy, if you would like me and my assistant coach, cam and all the other guys in the group to be your biggest cheerleader, imagine how much shit you could achieve with me as your biggest cheerleader. Join the coaching program. I will leave a link in the description below to that. I've said this many times the coaching program is going up in price with every new person that signs up. At the moment, as of the day of this recording, it's $9000, but go and check the website. It might be more than that by the time you look. Act now, jump in there. We got payment plan so you don't miss out on the current price. You can lock that in, but we would love to have you and more than that, i would love to see you guys and girls going out there and talking to the opposite gender and talking to your own gender and just talking to other human beings. Right, like Other people are ridiculously nice. They really are. One of the guys in my coaching group recently said he's worried that if he talks to a lot of people in public, some of them won't be nice to him. And I said, bro, like The vast majority of human beings, are so unbelievably lovely, put yourself out there, go and talk to other people. The world is your oyster, the world is your playground, it's your world where I'll just living in it.

Overcoming Fear of Approaching Women
Authenticity in Dating and Social Situations
Honesty and Asking for Numbers
The Power of Overcoming Fear