Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Should You Change for Women? (Approaching)

August 04, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Should You Change for Women? (Approaching)
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Are you putting too much pressure on yourself when dating? This episode, I unpack the art of engaging with different personalities to ease that pressure. From the bratty to the party types, understanding how to calibrate your words and behavior to match their personalities is crucial. But remember, when someone likes you, they're too caught up in their feelings to notice your imperfections.

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Speaker 1:

Ladies and gentlemen, andy, here I went from depressed and suicidal to living a life of abundance and joy. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too. Let's get straight into it. Every couple of weeks or so I send out an email newsletter And, by the way, if you're not signed up to my email list, there is a link in the description or the show notes of this episode So you can sign up there. I don't spam. I send relatively useful stuff. I try and put as much value in as I can, and one of the questions that I ask people when they first sign up for the newsletter is you know, tell me some stuff that you're struggling with. Like, i actually want you to reply to this email. Like, tell me what's bothering you, what you're not good at, like what you maybe need a little bit of help with, and if I like your email, i will do a podcast. This is one of those podcasts. I had a question and a guy said he asked a couple of questions, but here's the main one that I wanna get into today. It's about dating And he said he only tips on maintaining interaction with different types of women, and he means character type. He doesn't mean like physical body type. He means different personalities. So I don't wanna generalize, but basically I noticed that there are several types of girls that I meet online And they all need a bit of a different approach slash game, especially at the very beginning. By types what I mean is some of them are bratty, or they're party types, or they're submissive, or they might be nerdy, et cetera. Sometimes when I meet a girl online, i will have a problem figuring out what type of girl she is At the very beginning. It's difficult for me to calibrate words and behavior while interacting with her. I mostly have problems with very attractive bratty girls who don't give me a lot to work with. Mostly they're not very responsive over text or the amount of words is super limited. I had countless situations when I matched with very attractive women but then I blew it by writing something boring or not matching her vibe. Obviously, i've been watching your content for a while now. There are some great videos where you mentioned this briefly, but maybe you could elaborate on this topic a little. Thanks for everything, take care and best regards from Berlin, and I won't say his name. Hey, greetings from fucking Berlin. So I have so much to say on this. Oh my God, i feel like we can just go deep into the weeds on this one. So I want to kind of pick apart some different things that were said here, and so the first thing that I will start with is yes, like every woman is different, every woman is her own unique, beautiful being. But I think you just put an insane amount of pressure on yourself if you have this expectation that you have to know what to say with every single woman And that you even say here I matched with some attractive women and then I would blow it by writing something boring or not matching her vibe. No, you didn't blow anything. The nature of this process especially if we're talking about Tinder and you are because you're talking about online dating. So if we're talking about online dating, the nature of this thing dating sex is that the vast majority of people that you match with or that you don't match with, they won't like you. You just want to be a good match, or maybe you're not what they're looking for, or maybe they're just not in a state where they actually want to meet someone. And you didn't do anything wrong. The only thing that you did wrong and it's not wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, but the only thing that I would say is how many women are you talking to? The only thing you didn't do is then go and talk to a hundred more women Anytime I see some guy hyper focusing on like what I did wrong. Oh my god, i blew it, i said the wrong thing. My immediate answer is like no, dude, you're just not talking to enough women. If you were talking to a thousand women a week, you wouldn't really give a shit about the ones that you blow or don't blow. You wouldn't care. If you fuck anything up, they wouldn't even be fucking up. you would just be talking to a thousand women and some of them would say yes and sleep with you. So anytime I see a guy hyper analyzing Any little thing that he said, oh my god, i didn't say the right thing. I didn't do the right thing. No, you're just not playing the numbers game again. Not every woman is going to like you and for any women listening, not every guy is going to like you. And so we talked to a lot of people, we meet a lot of people and we find the ones that do like us. When a woman or a person really likes you, like, really likes you. You don't have to be perfect. There is no like blowing it or fucking it up. You can be a little awkward, you can be incredibly nervous, you can maybe not be perfect and because they really like you, they don't even fucking notice. They're too busy liking you, they're too busy making it easy for you. They find it funny, if anything, when you're a little bit awkward. They find it adorable, they find it cute, they find it endearing. They like you more because of it. Think about, maybe, some of the girls that you've liked. You don't need them to be perfect. You're not sitting there going. I better, she better not blow it. Know you like her and everything she says is wonderful. And so there are women out there that feel the same way about you. The mistake that you've been making is looking at the women that don't feel like that, the women that aren't super into you, and then you're going oh shit, i've blown it. For instance, you talk here about like bratty girls And how there's quite a few bratty girls who don't give you a lot to work with. Mostly they're not very responsive over text or the amount of words is super limited. Why the fuck would you keep talking to that person. That sounds like a shit conversation, but you're there spending time beating yourself up or putting pressure on yourself and saying, fuck man, i have to know the perfect thing to say to this woman. What perfect thing is there to say to a woman who literally won't fucking reply to you properly, like what perfect thing are you going to say to a woman who's just giving you a couple of words back? that isn't a conversation. How can you have a conversation with someone that doesn't want to have a conversation with you? And so there's a really good philosophy here called fuck yes or no, and it doesn't come from me, although I had the same idea, but It comes from Mark Manson, and his idea is we want to go out there and find the women or the men you know. Whichever way you swing, we want to find the people that are a fuck yes when it comes to hanging out with us, the people that are enthusiastic and the people that we feel fuck yes towards as well, and if someone isn't a fuck yes, as in, if they're not super enthusiastic to talk to you, that's a no. Like there is no, maybe They're either fuck yes or they can leave, or I will leave and I'll go find the people who are a fuck. Yes, and life is just so much more simple when you find the people who are a fuck. Yes, because all the time that you've been spending on these bratty girls who maybe don't reply to you, or the attractive women that if you just say one little thing she doesn't like, she fucking leaves, all the time that you're spending on those women Is time that you could be spending talking to the women that are really into you, going to the gym and improving yourself, losing weight dressing better, working on being more confident, working on your self esteem, working on yourself love. The time you're spending with the women that aren't super into you is time that you're wasting and it's not completely wasted because you're still learning something right. You still talking to women, you still being social is not a complete waste of time, but It's time that you could be spending finding the people that are very enthusiastic and who are a fuck. Yes, i didn't article on my website Time wasters red flags to look out for, and so you can just go to kill your in a loser dot com and just search for the word time wasters. And in this article, the very first thing that I put at the top of the list. That for me is a red flag or like I don't bother talking to this person is when a woman gives me short answers, low effort responses, like she just writes a couple of words or she doesn't really like try, you know, she's not really putting in much fucking effort and like I just I've gone through so many tens of thousands of those conversations back in the early days of me doing this stuff and they just Never fucking work out. If she can't even be bothered replying and writing a fucking sentence, then what the fuck is the date gonna be like? what happens if I do get her phone number? it's probably gonna be a nightmare. Or I'm telling you from experience, from having done this tens of thousands of times. It is an a fucking nightmare trying to then get them on a date. And if you do ever gonna date, she's on a phone the entire time. She's not interested because she doesn't want to be there. And I'm telling you, 99% of the time you don't even go on a fucking date. Like literally why would that person gonna date with you? if they're putting in this little effort into a conversation And conversations over text a pretty fucking easy right if they literally can't even be bothered writing a fucking sentence to you? Do you really think they're gonna put in the effort on a date talking to you face to face? that's more effort If she's already not putting an effort into texting. What do you think it's gonna be like when you get on a date? what do you think and I'm telling you this from experience what do you think the sex is gonna be like? Is gonna be like. And so even if you got the thing that you want here, which is if I figure out exactly how to talk to a bratty woman or it's not even bratty dude, it's just a woman that's not into you or not into the conversation, or can't be bothered or is lazy, whatever you want to call it, doesn't really matter. But if you're putting all this effort into someone who's not really giving you anything back, what do you think the sex is gonna be like? And I'm telling you, i've had sex with quite a few of these women because I used to try and do what you would, what you're doing. I used to try and make them like me. I used to try and Get a conversation going. I used to try and say the perfect thing. I used to try and do anything I could to get them on a fucking day, even if it hurt myself esteem in doing so, and then I would end up having sex. And, by the way, again, 99.9% of them will never have sex with you. If they can't be bothered fucking typing a message on their phone, they literally can't be bothered having sex with you. But anytime I would have sex, it would be the worst fucking sex of my goddamn life because if they couldn't be bothered texting And they couldn't be bothered having a conversation, why the fuck would they be bothered having sex? why would they put in effort? why would they be kinky and passionate and fun and sexy and present and intimate and all of those things? why would they be? They've already shown me that they're not into putting an effort. In other words, you can look at the text conversation that these girls are having with you almost like it's a resume, and if they're not saying much in conversation or if you're feeling like you have to be fucking perfect in the conversation otherwise you know they will leave, that means her resume isn't that exciting. Why the fuck would you hire that person, like literally, if they have a shitty resume, which that's what this kind of is. If her conversation skills are kind of not what you're looking for, that means her resume just isn't what you're looking for. Why would you hire her? why would you want to go on a date with her? And so all of this is leading to my main point, which is your very first question, you know, was like You know, there are different girls that I meet online and they all need a different approach or a different style of game. Know they don't? Why are you changing? why don't you just be you? And then you find the girls that like you. The problem here is, or the bit that you're struggling with, is, you're trying to do a different thing with every single girl And you're trying to predict what would work with them. How the fuck can you know what will work with someone before you've gotten to know them? You can't know. And you're basically asking me the question of, like man, is there some way I can just look at her pictures and know exactly what her personality type is? No, how the fuck could you ever know that? Like I've met so many girls that are just you know the examples you used. Like you meet some party girls. I've met so many party girls that are so unbelievably shy and submissive when it comes to dating. I've met so many nerdy girls. God, i dated so many Asian bookworms like nerdy, really nerdy. Like Chinese and Vietnamese girls who were super fucking nerdy, who were virgins, who were not confident, and like you'd think, oh okay, she's nerdy, i should talk to her about nerdy shit. No, i just literally do what I do with the party girls. I'm like yo, hey, i'm looking for BDSM, here's me, do you want that? And you'd think, like fuck. But like you can't just say BDSM shit to a nerdy girl, yes, you can. Yes, you can Try it and see, not all of them will be into it, obviously, just like not every party girl will be into BDSM or whatever it is that you're looking for. Not every submissive girl will, not every dominant girl will, but lots of them will, and so I've just found it so much nicer to go through life just being me. And, by the way, if you're not happy with who you are, you can improve yourself, like that's what self-improvement is for. You can make yourself into an amazing product, and that's kind of what this dating thing is for men and for women. We're trying to make ourselves into the best product that we possibly can And then you just put your product in front of as many people as you possibly can and some of them will buy your product. But what you're doing here in this conversation and lots of people do this, but what you're doing in this question is you're saying how do I constantly change the product for every single person And it's like bro, then that's not a product. People will just say that you're fake. People will just say, like you don't even why. You're just trying to be whatever you think I want you to be. That's fake, that's not an actual human being And that isn't very attractive, especially not for a man. Women want a man who's his own fucking man. And if you don't know who you are, that's okay. Like I said, you self-improve, you learn who you are, you're becoming who you are, but don't change yourself for every single woman. That's just fake. She's gonna see right through that and i think that's sort of what has been happening here. You're trying to hard, basically you're trying to hard to have the perfect thing to say. You're putting too much pressure on yourself that you should know exactly what to say, that you should be perfect with the conversation, that you should somehow know what she wants and what her character type is before you've even fucking met her. How the hell could you know if you asked me hey, andy, can you think of the perfect thing to say to like Each woman know? i fucking can't. I don't know what she will like and what she won't like. So what i do is i say what i like, i say what i want, i talk about who i am and i just ask her some questions. I do the same shit with every woman like here's what i want, his who i am, do you like this? If she says yes, i like this, i'm like fucking awesome, them were a match, let's go on a date. If she says no, i don't like that. I really didn't like what you said, and lots of women do say that. By the way, look at what i'm doing. I'm literally talking about btsm. I literally say to women hi, i mean an open relationship with my girlfriend. We like to sleep with girls together in threesomes and do btsm with them. Would you like to try that? do you know how many girls go like no fucking way. No, i don't want to try btsm. No, i don't want to fuck you when your girlfriend. Do you know how many people are not into that? the majority of people are not into that. Cool, awesome, great. We've saved each other time. We want to be a good match. Now you can leave, i can leave, and we can go and find the matches that were looking for the people that are compatible with us. But what you're trying to do here Is your trying to say is there a way that i can be compatible with every woman? no, is there a way that you can be compatible with most women? no, we're not looking for most women. We're not trying to win every woman. We're just trying to find the women that want to be with us. We're not trying to score with every single woman we talk to. We're just finding the women that want to score with us. And so, rather than looking at this and saying, how can i figure out what kind of character type she is, who gives a fuck what type of character she is? i mean, i love what type of character she is. I think you know that makes them more interesting. You know each person is different. Every woman is unique, every man is unique. All of that. I find that stuff beautiful, of course, but who gives a fuck what they are, talk about what you are and then figure out if you like them and they like you. Again, you've been being a chameleon, like a snake or something. You just constantly trying to change your colors and change who you are with every single woman. There's no you Like. You're not being you. You're just trying to be whatever you think they want and that's not appealing It. Also, i'm telling you from experience, because i did this stuff for several years. I was exactly like this. I was trying to think of the perfect thing to say to every woman and i'm trying to change my conversation. I was trying to change myself constantly. Every fucking conversation. It just gets tiring, brother. It's why you wrote this post, all this question, right like you're just tired. It's tiring, it sucks, not knowing what to say to every single woman. It hurts, it feels like fuck man, i'm never gonna get it. And this is what people push when they push like game, when they like you gotta get good at game, it's like bro, there is no get good at game. It's just talk to a lot of women and then you'll get decent. In other words, i'll phrase it like this game isn't a magic fix, like there's no fucking game in the world. There's no conversation skills in the world that mean you can connect with every single human being on the planet. You'll obviously get better Talking to more people, you'll obviously get to a point where more women like you than they did before, but there's no fucking way of figuring out, like, what character type is each woman and what is the perfect thing to say to her. And again, to really drill it into you, if you're saying what you want, plenty of women across the board, all types of different character types, will like you. Like, i have slept with the widest range of people. Again, i have slept with so many something like fifty asian women who were virgins or it only ever slept with one guy, like literally just fucking virgins. I mean, i slept with so many women that have never even kissed. I was their first fucking kiss and you know what i said to them on tinder or in person let's fucking try btsm. And they were like, oh my god. Like well, okay, i really want to try that, but i'm a virgin, so we have to go slow, is that okay? and yeah, we go really slow. We take fucking Three or five or eight dates or whatever and we take a time, but I slept with the most nerdy chinese and vietnamese virgins that you could ever fucking imagine. I have slept with braddy girls. I have slept with party girls. I have slept with girls covered in tattoos. I slept with personal trainers. I slept with cool girls. I slept with uncool girls. I slept with submissive girls, dominant girls, every girl in between, and with all of them i just use the same like template. I just talked about what i wanted and figured out if they wanted that too and if they didn't want that amazing, if they did want that awesome. You can go on to my website going to kill you in the loser dot com and search the stories page. You can just search for the word stories and i've listed like a bunch of my sex stories. I think is like 50 or so stories in there that i've written over the last couple years, so many of them just search for the word asian. In fact, as i talk to you right now, i'm gonna do this out of curiosity. I'm curious how many times the word asian shows up. Okay, just searched. actually, a better search term is search for the word virgin. I've written nine fucking stories about virgins that i've slept with And you'll see some of them are just like the most sweet, shy little asian girls who are just so unbelievably fucking shy and i just talked about btsm shit. Like, understand that the thing that you're going for whether that's casual sex or relationship, whatever is that you might be looking for. Right now you're putting women into categories and saying, okay, shy girls won't like that. Nerdy girls, i need to do this. You know, braddy girls, i have to do this. Party girls, i have to do this. No, dude, you can just do the thing that you want to do, whatever that might be, and girls across the board like that. So, in summary, take a lot of this pressure off yourself that you're putting on yourself, man, to figure out what each type of girl is. It's like, bro, that's impossible. Again, dude, so many nerdy, shy asian girls have said, oh, my god, i've always fantasized about btsm, but everybody else looked at me and said i was nerdy and they all treated me like the nerdy girl. And you're the first person who treated me like i might be someone who likes btsm, thank you. Right now, you're doing the very thing that so many girls have complained to me about. You know, guys, just look at me and they just assume that i'm a certain type of way God, the girl, the image and i sleeping with right now. We've been, you know, dating this girl for like nine months. She's the most shy. She's not shy, she's the most like sweet, gentle, small. She's like tiny and petite, she's really short, she's really thin, like sweet, innocent girl ever. And so many of her colleagues and friends have told her like you're really innocent, you're really sweet. And she says to us like God, they don't even know, like i literally come over here and you guys time up and you make me call you daddy and you fuck my mouth and you know we have these crazy wild threesomes. But they just look at me and think that i'm innocent and shy and like naive and shit. And so you're basically pigeonholing these women and saying she's nerdy, so i have to talk to her. A certain way. It's like no, bro, what if she wants? what if she's a nerdy girl who wants you to treat her like a fucking adult? What is? she's a party girl who wants you to see her as more than just a party girl. What if she's a bratty girl who wants you to see her as more than just a brat? but you're there pigeonholing them. You basically objectifying them and i don't mean that in a mean way, my friend, i, but that's kind of a funny way of looking at it. You're objectifying them. You basically saying she's just this small thing. Imagine if we said to you like i can imagine if i said all, you're the guy from Berlin, okay, you must drink a lot of beers and go clubbing every night. You'd be like, bro, not everybody from Berlin just goes fucking clubbing all the time. It's like, yeah, but bro, that's kind of what you're doing. When you look at a girl who's nerdy and say she's a certain way, you don't know her yet. And that's kind of the point that i'm getting to. It's impossible to really know someone And to know what they might respond to, to know what they might like, to know who they are. It's really impossible to do those things, unless you've talked to them a little bit right, and you're putting all this pressure on yourself that you have to be good at talking and you have to know exactly what she will be into. You don't even know her. Another thing you can do here is you could just ask them. You asked this question, you asked me like any, how can i read their mind. It's like like how can i figure out how to talk to them? why don't you just ask them Like literally just say what stuff are you into, what do you like to talk about, how do you like to be talked to? Like, tell me about you, tell me what kind of person you are, tell me what kind of conversations you like having the best. Like, what are your favorite fucking types of conversations? you literally just copy paste that to every single woman And they were like okay, here's who I am. Now I'm gonna tell you who I am and what I like responding to. Bro, you could literally just fucking message so many women And say what do you like to talk about? and then you would have your answer. Because again, i can't mind read, i can't tell you what each individual woman is going to like. I can't look at her pictures and go she's nerdy. Okay, she probably wants to talk about books. No, she might be nerdy and wish that there would be a man who was confident enough or strong enough to just talk about what he wants to fucking talk about. She's been dying for that. She's sick of people treating her like she's a fucking nerd And for the first time ever, she wants to talk about something that isn't nerdy. And so each individual, each woman isn't is exactly that. They're an individual. Talk to them like that, ask them what they're into, if you, if you want to. But what I would really recommend is you just talk about what you want to fucking talk about and find the women that like that. Find the women that like what you like is right now. Yeah, you're just kind of being a chameleon, you're. You're trying to change with every single woman, and then there is no you. That's pretty much everything I wanted to say, but I will add good job putting yourself out there, amazing job doing online dating. Really fucking happy man that you're doing this shit, but Try to be a little bit more you and don't worry so much if some women don't like you. Definitely, bro, don't like. feel like you Screwed up with a woman if she doesn't want to talk to you anymore, like you didn't blow anything. You know I match with some attractive women, but then I blew it by writing something boring. No, you didn't. She just wasn't that into you. And so this to answers that improve yourself so that you're more attractive and more interesting and more women will find you interesting And talk to more women. That's the main thing here. Anytime a guy I say it again anytime a guy comes to me and says, man, i blew it with this girl, or man, sometimes I fuck it up with certain types of women. It's like, bro, you're just not talking to enough women. I know you're not because you wouldn't be telling me that If you were talking to a thousand women a week, you be like, bro, i want like five days this week and you know, nine hundred and eighty of the women that I talk to didn't like me and I was boring. But twenty of them like me and so I went on like five or ten days and we had fun and I had sex with two of them. It was amazing. And so it's. It's two things here. It's improving yourself. Obviously it sounds like you're already doing that And it's just talking to more women and taking this pressure off yourself to be perfect with every individual woman. If you feel like you don't have enough matches online, go out and talk to some women in person. Go to bars, like you're in fucking Berlin. I'm sure there's a million really hot, attractive women outside. Go talk to more women, but try and get that number up. Whatever number of women that you're currently talking to. If you're talking to like ten women a week, try and do ten times that amount. Once you can do ten times that amount, then try and double it again, and double it again and just keep increasing that until you get to a point where you're getting results. The reason you're not getting results right now is not so much because you said the wrong fucking thing, like you're supposed to just always know the perfect thing to say. No, dude, say something that's pretty good And say that to a thousand women and some of them will think what you said is amazing. Some of them will think what you said is boring, cool, but lots of them will think what you said is fucking amazing. I hope this was helpful, my man. I hope this was helpful to everybody else listening. Like I said, there's a link in the description. You can sign up for my email newsletter, like this guy has, if you want to. On top of that, i'm also offering coaching. There are two ways you can get coaching from me either the two hundred dollar coaching calls where we sit down for a little bit. Go over all the stuff that you're looking for. I only offer those one per person, so you can't do multiple of those. If you want more access to me and my assistant coach, cam, and the other coaches in my program and the other guys in the program, i have a 12 week hardcore, amazing ass kicking coaching program. There is details and links to that in the description. We'll jump on a call. Talk about if coaching is good for you, let's fucking do it. Ladies and gentlemen, as always, love you all. Very much. Appreciate your. Go out there and crush your goals. I'm destroyed wordt.

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