Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

How to Stop Sending Butthurt Texts

August 25, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
How to Stop Sending Butthurt Texts
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Ever sent a text in a moment of anger or rejection and instantly regretted it? We've all been there. Let's tackle this issue head-on, discussing how to manage expectations, handle anger, and navigate the rocky path of communication.

Coaching (currently 18 weeks instead of the usual 12, when you pay in full): https://kyil-extra.com/coaching-sfw

▬ Start Here! ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
😊 Here's EVERYTHING I learned going from depressed & suicidal to living a life of abundance & joy. It's all yours for only $1: https://playtowinmindset.com

▬ COACHING ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
🏆 OUR COACHING PROGRAM (book a FREE call with Andy to discuss if you're a good fit for the program) - https://kyil-extra.com/coaching

🤵 1-on-1 coaching call with Andy ($200 - limited to 1 per person): https://kyil-extra.com/calls

▬ YouTube ▬▬▬▬▬
▶️ My YouTube (with additional content not released on here): https://youtube.com/c/killyourinnerloser

Speaker 1:

Have you ever sent butthurt or angry texts to the opposite sex? And here I went from depressed and suicidal to living a life of abundance and joy. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too. So I had a client who found himself sending way too many butthurt and by that I mean like angry or bitter or resentful texts to women that he was dating, or even women that he'd just gone on a date with, or women that hadn't even gone on a date with him. And hey look, that's completely normal.

Speaker 1:

I went through a period myself where I was quite bitter when it came to the opposite sex and I sent plenty of like I won't say rude texts, but they definitely had a tinge of bitterness in them. You know, like I was having a bad day or I'd gotten sick of feeling rejected all the time, and I've talked about rejection a million times. Everybody else can reject you. You reject yourself and then you blame the other person. Or you feel rejected and then you blame the other person. But you know, I felt very rejected and I just wanted to like lash out at someone. So I'd send a little butthurt text, and I think that's a lot more common than you know maybe people talk about. But anyway, this coaching client of mine he rightly identified that that's been sort of holding him back from what he wants, which ultimately this guy in the coaching program, what he wanted was to connect with women, to meet some women, to have a good time, to have some amazing sex, to make some memories, to go on road trips with them and ultimately what he wanted was to build something with a woman or multiple women. But it's not necessarily a super helpful or productive thing to be doing, to be sending butthurt and angry texts, because it sort of pushes the other person away, doesn't it? And it pushes the opposite gender away. It isn't necessarily attractive and it doesn't get you the thing that you want, which is I want to be close to other people and I want people to do and say whatever they want to do. And I want to be able to accept that without anger and butthurtness. Because reinforcing butthurt texts or reinforcing the anger that comes when you send a butthurt text, you're just training yourself or you're telling yourself that you need other people to do what you want. Otherwise you're going to be butthurt or angry and that's a recipe for unhappiness If you go around hoping, praying, expecting, needing other people to do what you want them to do. Well, people are going to do whatever the fuck people want to do, and that doesn't always line up with what you want.

Speaker 1:

People regularly, probably a hundred times a day, do something that I might not necessarily want them to do. It's not that I don't want them to do it although sometimes it is that but they're doing something that maybe I don't agree with or something that's different to me, or maybe they don't give me the thing that I ask for or the thing that I want. Like I would like every person outside to give me a hundred dollars. I would love that. I would like every attractive woman outside to sleep with me and my girlfriend and have a threesome with us. I would love that. I would love every person outside to smile at me. I feel really good when everybody smiles at me, but they don't Like.

Speaker 1:

People have their own shit to do. They don't exist literally just as dancing little puppets for me and my entertainment. People have their own agendas. People have their own preferences. They're not all walking around trying to please us, are they? And so when you send angry or butt hurt texts to the opposite gender or to anyone in general. This applies not just with dating. This applies with lashing out at your boss or being passive, aggressive at work, or being a little bit blunt or curt or not necessarily nice to someone family members, friends, whatever it might be. We're sort of reinforcing that idea that, you know, I wish this person would just do what I want and, like I said, that's a fast track to unhappiness, because people aren't always going to do what we want.

Speaker 1:

And one of my favorite philosophies comes from Buddhism, which is the philosophy of non-attachment, and part of that means not necessarily having expectations of what other people are going to do. You might want other people to do something hey, that's beautiful, but don't expect that they will. There's a really good Buddhist saying that I love, that I've carried around with me for years, which is eventually everybody lets you down. That sounds nihilistic or depressing if you just look at it on the surface, but if you actually explore that and think about it and go, eventually everybody lets you down. Yeah, all right, I'll see you later. Bye, yeah, I guess they will.

Speaker 1:

Okay, then, if it does happen, like if somebody does something that I don't want them to do, or if I had an expectation and somebody doesn't match up to that expectation or doesn't live up to that expectation. Well, that's just normal. Like everybody at some point doesn't live up to my expectation of them. Everybody at some point in their life is gonna say something like if I spend enough time with them, they will eventually say something that I don't agree with or that I will do something that I didn't necessarily want them to do. Because, first of all, they don't know everything that you want them to do. Second of all, they have their own preferences and likes and dislikes. So even if they did know what you wanted, they might still choose not to do that.

Speaker 1:

And third of all, half the time we don't know what we want. You know what I mean. Like how many times have you gotten annoyed at someone? And then afterwards, if you actually think about it, you're like wow, I didn't actually even know that. I didn't. Like when this person does that thing, like you got annoyed at the same time that they did the Like that was your first time ever getting annoyed at that behavior. And so we don't even know what we want.

Speaker 1:

How the hell is anybody else gonna know what the fuck we want, especially if we don't even communicate it or we don't know ourselves, and so, eventually, everybody. If you spend enough time with them, they're gonna disappoint you. They're going to not line up with your expectations, they're going to let you down, so to speak. And so, embracing that, there's freedom in that. And a quote that on the surface level sounds depressing. You know, everybody eventually lets you down. That sounds depressing. No, that's freeing, that's beautiful, because you can then essentially say man, I'll just give the world permission to suck. And it's not that the rest of the world sucks, but that's one of my favorite philosophies give yourself permission to suck. I can give the world permission to suck and maybe not always line up with my expectations, and I don't want them to line up with my expectations. I want them to do whatever the fuck they want to do, because you wouldn't like it if other people forced you or demanded that you line up with their expectations. You would say, no, fuck off. Like I'm my own person, I don't exist just to do what you want me to do. And so, in the same way, it's not really peaceful for us to expect that everybody else is going to do whatever we want them to do.

Speaker 1:

So that's a bit of a side tangent there, but that's my views around butthurt texts and angry texts is, if we get angry or frustrated when someone doesn't do what we want them to do, or they don't behave the way we want them to behave or they don't speak in the manner that we demand or want them to speak in, if you get butthurt and it's okay to have the feelings of butthurt it's okay to have the anger come up, that's beautiful. Your emotions are trying to tell you something. The anger is telling you that there's a little bit of work to do there. Right, there's some letting go to do there, there's some stoicism to build, there's some peace and maybe some not expecting other people to do what you want them to do, like there's some work there to be done, and so that's beautiful.

Speaker 1:

But I'm talking about what I'm saying is don't then send about hurt texts as best you can. If you send one from time to time, that's okay. Fine, I wasn't perfect either at the start with all this shit. The mission is improvement, you know, progress, not perfection. But it's okay to have the feelings of man I'm so annoyed like why didn't this girl or this guy do what I wanted? It's okay to feel that butthurt feeling, but what I like to do, and this was the eventual answer that I gave this coaching kind of mind, because this kind of mind was sending quite a few of these texts and he would see a girl, maybe they would date, maybe they would sleep together, and then at some point he would feel anger come up because she didn't do something that he wanted her to do or you know, whatever reason. He would feel the anger. And then he would send a butthurt text or a passive, aggressive text or a slightly annoyed text or a very just like a blunt text, and nothing rude, nothing over the top, nothing like deeply angry. But you can tell it's coming from a place of, like frustration or butthurt. It's definitely not coming from a place of peace or stoicism or being okay or love or any of that sort of stuff.

Speaker 1:

And what we found was, because I worked with this guy for quite a long time in coaching, he started finding that lots of girls would see him for a little bit and then they would just leave and they wouldn't. You know, most of the time they wouldn't say look, it's because your butt hurt or because you're angry, although plenty of times they did. They were specifically. They would specifically say I just thought your text was, like I don't know, really demanding and like I feel like you kind of overreacted and I don't know. I just didn't feel comfortable and so, hey, I'd like to kind of not see each other anymore. I feel like maybe you have like a short fuse or something. And so he asked me or he asked the coaching group what do I do here? Like I don't want to send these texts, and when I read what I wrote the next day I almost always regret it.

Speaker 1:

And so this advice I'm going to give absolutely applies. If you're someone that might have maybe like anger issues or something like that, maybe you have a short fuse and you're always like blowing up. What I said to him is what if you just put a pause in between writing the message and actually sending it? So I said you know you can type out this angry, emotional text if you want to, but just don't send it, and anybody else listening? Like I said, you can do the same thing. So if you're someone that has a short fuse, write down on a piece of paper or type it out in your phone everything that you want to say to the other person, but then don't say it to them yet and what you do is you put a pause in there. And so you know, in his case I said write these messages out, that's fine, but you're not allowed to send them until the next day or even like a couple of hours later. Like you're literally telling yourself I'm not allowed to hit send. I can write whatever the hell I want, but I cannot send it to the person.

Speaker 1:

And so what he found is he would wait a couple of hours and then he would come to the coaching group and make this big long post saying holy fuck you guys. This is amazing. Like this pausing thing is life changing. Look at the text that I wrote. And then I read it all a couple of hours later. And I was so emotional when I first wrote it, but a couple of hours later I was like man, I don't feel like this anymore. The anger has sort of dissipated. I've been able to let it go and just be okay with it and sit with it and not suppress it. Not tell myself that the anger is bad or wrong or any of that, but I've just allowed myself to be angry. But I haven't dumped that on somebody else, I haven't thrown that anger in somebody else's face and several hours later, man, the anger's gone. Guys, I don't want to send this message now.

Speaker 1:

I actually ended up just sending her a nice message saying hey, you know what? Thank you for telling me that you want to cancel on tonight's plans. Yeah, I would love to see you tomorrow, because that was the thing. A lot of the messages, and how many of you can relate to this. I know that I can God, I can.

Speaker 1:

You know me in the early days, like I said, I used to be very passive, aggressive and sometimes butt hurt and all of that. So what this guy was finding is that lots of the time, the things that he was reacting to was a woman, like literally saying hey, look, I'm so sorry. You know, I was really excited to see you tonight, but I've just had a really big day at work. Do you mind if we just see each other tomorrow? I'm free at like 6pm or I can move things around whatever you want Like I'll happily see you tomorrow. Yeah, I hope that's okay. Again, I'm sorry for flaking. And so what he was then doing was obviously sending these sort of frustrated or, you know, passive, aggressive or sometimes even just not aggressive, but like annoyed text messages to her and the girls would then go like, well, okay, this is an overreaction, okay, I'm sorry, I don't think I want to see you at all. And so these were girls that literally were already seeing him and literally just said is it okay if we see each other tomorrow? And so lots of these women that were already in his life and he was already seeing stopped seeing him because of the frustration, because of the butt hurtness and, like I said, I can relate to this because this was me for many years.

Speaker 1:

I, at the start of my improving my sex and my dating life, you know, during my getting laid phase, I very much was in this sort of like frustrated mindset where if someone didn't give me what I want sorry, if someone didn't give me what I wanted, I'd get annoyed. I'd be like God damn it. Like all these women are like stopping me from having an amazing sex life. Like God damn it. If more of them would just say yes, I'd be happier.

Speaker 1:

Like you know, I went through that period and, yeah, there were lots of women that wanted to see me and some women that I was already seeing, and they would just ask to reschedule and they'd be like, hey, I'm real sorry, can I see you tomorrow? And then I would do the classic thing that I'm sure a lot of you have heard before you're like my time is too valuable. You know you missed out bitch. Like I never said bitch, but like you know you missed out woman like I'm super important and you know no one flakes on me. Good luck, I hope you go and find you know someone that will put up with your like tardiness and your flakiness and it's like from her point of view it's like well, what the fuck? I just literally said can I see you tomorrow? Like holy shit. And so you know, in my case and in this coaching clients case, there are a lot of women that were already seeing us and because we were like emotional and we texted back it from an emotional state, it was like completely off-putting.

Speaker 1:

And now I'll add the caveat and be very clear here. I'm not saying that you have to just let somebody flake on you a thousand times and just, you know, put up with it. At the end of the day, you guys and girls can do whatever you want and if you want to send angry or frustrated or passive, aggressive texts, I'm a big advocate of you guys and girls doing whatever the hell you want. But remember, as a reminder, this was a client who had said to us many, many, many times I don't like how I feel when I send these texts, I don't like how it feels in the moment. I don't like that I have this combative mindset with the women that I'm dating and sleeping with. I don't feel nice, treating them like the enemy, and I regret it afterwards and I'm never happy with myself afterwards. And so with those conditions and you know I was the same I never really liked it when I sent a butthurt text I was always kind of annoyed at myself afterwards In those conditions, putting a pause in there and saying, okay, I can write this message, I just won't send it.

Speaker 1:

I'm not allowed to send it until I've thought about it. For you know, in this guy's case I said just wait till the next day, right, how about you just say you have to give yourself at least a good night's sleep and you can send whatever the hell you want tomorrow? But then we'll know that you actually want to send it. And, like I said, 95% of the time he would go, I don't actually want to send that message. What the fuck. Like I was really angry at this woman.

Speaker 1:

She didn't do anything. She literally just told me I'm sorry, I'm tired, can I see you tomorrow? It's not like she fucking stepped on my I don't know favorite shoes or something and got mud all over them. It's not like she slapped me across the face. It's not like she told me she never wants to see my ugly face ever again. Like she didn't do anything. She literally just said I like you, is it okay if I see you tomorrow? And so what we found is you know him and his own life and me and my own life and plenty of other clients. I've given this trick to you know, this trick of like taking a pause before you send the damn thing. Plenty of us have found that like you, just don't want to send that message afterwards, so you have less regret because I don't know about you guys and girls.

Speaker 1:

But I really didn't like the feeling or I don't like the feeling of doing something and then afterwards going. That didn't feel like me, that felt like my emotions, like the scared, you know, almost childish part of me that reacted and lashed out. That doesn't feel like me, or at least it doesn't feel like my true self. It doesn't feel like my whole self. And it's not to say that the emotional needy you know, almost like childlike part of you is bad or wrong. I'm certainly not saying that it is a part of you. I've said a million times your emotions are there to serve a purpose. They're trying to teach you something. You know you get angry for a reason, you lash out for a reason, and then it's up to us to investigate what that reason is and to process it and all of that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1:

But I certainly don't want the emotional needy part of me to be running the show. I'm quite happy for the emotional needy part of myself to be there and I love that part of myself and I say this all the time it's serving a purpose. I certainly don't want to let it sit in the driver's seat and be like, okay, emotional needy, teenager part of myself, you get to run the show. You're in control of the messages that we send to other people. You're in control of how we speak and the words we use and the emotion and the vibe that we're giving off when we do it. It's like fuck, no, I wouldn't hand a child or a teenager the keys to my car Funny side note, I don't actually drive ever, but whatever, I wouldn't hand them the keys to my car and be like you're in control. And yet we often do that with emotions or with emotional states, especially when it comes to interacting with other people, we go fuck it. I'm going to let the emotional part of me take over. And we're not doing that on purpose. It's because we don't have any tools to deal with it, and so this is one of the tools. You know.

Speaker 1:

A slightly healthier tool is the idea of, just like I said, putting in a pause. That's a great tool. It helps so much I will put in a pause and I'll just think about this for one hour or five hours or whatever amount of time you want to do. But I personally found and my client, multiple clients have found that if you just wait till the next day, that seems to work the best.

Speaker 1:

And if you're worried about, like, leaving the person on red or something, you know they've sent you a message, you've read it, and then you're worried like, oh fuck, but what if they say I haven't replied? First of all, that's okay, like nothing bad happens if you don't reply. God, most of my messages I don't reply to people until, like God, sometimes like a week later, and I will leave them on red and then I'll just reply later. Nothing bad happens. But if you're really worried about that, or if you, if you want to be the kind of person that gets back to people quickly, if that's something that's important to you, you can just say, hey, I'll reply to this, like tomorrow. Well, hey, got a little bit on, I'll reply to this tomorrow. Hey, thanks for the message. I'll get back to you tomorrow. Like, don't stress, I'll go back to you tomorrow. So then people go okay, cool, like that's cool, so whatever you want to do. But I just have found this technique a game changer for myself.

Speaker 1:

I still do this sometimes to this day and I'm not perfect with this, but there are lots of times like someone will leave a YouTube comment or something and it's like maybe a very negative comment or like whatever it might be you know what I mean and it's like whatever you saw, like that's cool. Think of something that I want to say and I never wanna say anything mean or horrible, but like I might wanna like set the record straight or something like that. Right, like if somebody disagrees with me. I wanna be like, oh no, no, like let me explain what I meant. But I will often just go like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait an hour or two and then whatever I wanna send, like once I've actually had a little bit of time to think about this, then I can send it, and I mean most of the time, god honestly, like ten of, even five minutes later I'm like I actually I don't even care, I can't even be bothered replying, like I literally don't care, like I'm too busy, I've got too many, so I'm too busy. But like I have other priorities, I don't really need to reply to youtube comments, like that's just not what I want to do with my time. I've replied to some, but I don't need to reply to all of them. So most of the time I don't even want to fucking reply. So I'm still doing that to this day, like that idea of putting in a pause.

Speaker 1:

I do the same anytime I have a question that one of you guys or girls ask me, especially like on youtube in the comments, sometimes I'll get a question. That's like a great question, but it's definitely like complicated, like I get these questions all the time and people will email me these questions to, which is like a full, unlike fucking in depth, like life story question, where someone will like lay out their life story and I appreciate it but like I'll be honest, I don't read it. Like I don't have time to read. Like someone's life story right, I don't, I have time, I don't want to read someone's life story, but they'll write like their entire life story, like you know, 20 paragraphs, and then they'll be like so, with all of those circumstances, like what do you think I should do? Like what's your advice for me?

Speaker 1:

And my gut reaction of what I want to reply, I want to reply like dude or you know, if it's a woman, do that, hit me up for coaching. Like what the fuck? Like I can answer this like 20 paragraph. Like I you can expect me to write a 20 looking reply to your 20 paragraph youtube comment when I get like multiple of these a day, like that's unreasonable, I'm not gonna reply like there's too much there and even if I read all that like I then have to go away and think about it for an hour. So what I want to reply in the moment is like dude, just take me out for a coaching call like I can't answer this like this too much that's what I want to reply with. But often I will go away and I'll just leave it for five minutes or 10 minutes and I'll just sort of like not say anything at all and then usually I'll come back and the answer that I give is a lot more peaceful.

Speaker 1:

And it's not that the first answer was not going to be peaceful. It still sounds pretty nice and it's coming from a reasonably, you know, calm, peaceful, stoic place. But the answer that I eventually give when I put a pause in there is so much more loving like I will write something much more loving. I'll be like hey, I think it's absolutely beautiful that you wrote all this, that you trust me enough and you trust this community enough to pour your heart and soul out, like to pour your story out. I think that's absolutely fucking beautiful. Thank you for showing that.

Speaker 1:

I can't answer this in a youtube comment just because it's like I can't look. How can I help you in a youtube comment? But if you would like, we can jump on a coaching call. You can sign up for the coaching program. If not, keep being this honest and this vulnerable. This is beautiful, like I appreciate you writing this. Keep watching, keep improving yourself, take things one day to time and go get it.

Speaker 1:

So you see how that second answer is like it's not that it's better, it's just coming from more. Please, for loving place. I'm actually Embracing or feeling love towards that other person. Instead of my first knee jerk reaction, which isn't but hurt, but it is a knee jerk emotional reaction of like dude, I can't help you, just like, hit me up for coaching. Like. That's what I want to say. I want to say like a quick, easy, slightly emotional, quick. Like just hit me up for coaching this too much, but if I pause and wait a little bit, what comes out is something that feels a little bit more Me, it feels a little bit more andy. And so If you guys and girls want to try this, try this idea of like pausing During that time.

Speaker 1:

What I found is and my client found this to, my clients find this to is, if you do something to keep busy, like I wouldn't say just pause and sit there ruminating on it, that's what sometimes people do. They will sit there and pause for two hours and just get themselves more and more emotional. And I like, how could this person text this to me. How could this person say this? Why the fuck did this person reject me? And you just get more and more upset the more you sit there. That's not what I'm saying to do. I'm saying put a pause. You can sit there and feel the emotions, or you can meditate on the emotions or read a bit of stoicism, will listen to some nice chill music, or my favorite thing to do and this is what helped this particular coaching client was to like, keep busy and go do something fun.

Speaker 1:

So we basically said, like, look when you're feeling but hurt and angry at these women, it's because you're seeing it as a rejection. I mean, all she really said was, like can I just see you tomorrow? But you're taking that as a rejection and so you're feeling rejected, and so the thing that you're actually wanting is you're wanting validation, you're wanting acceptance and you're wanting love and maybe you wanted, like, intimacy. And so what if you go and give those things to yourself, like you're basically saying that this woman or this person should be giving me those things, it's like no, motherfucker, that's your job. If you want to feel love, you gotta fucking start with yourself. You gotta love yourself. If you want to feel validated. You're the one that just felt rejected. You're the one that rejected yourself. She just said I don't want to see you tonight. Can I see you tomorrow? And then you rejected yourself and you rejected her.

Speaker 1:

If you're wanting to feel intimacy, if you're wanting to feel like you want to have a relationship, like you want to have a bit of fun, why don't you go off and do something fun, like go for a walk, hang out with your buddies, go to the gym, watch a couple of funny YouTube videos, listen to one of my like motivational podcasts, hang out with friends, like I said, you know, go for a fucking. Go sit in a park and just watch people and smile. Write a list of 10 things that you're grateful for. My favorite thing to do if you're feeling up to this is when you feel rejected by somebody, you're annoyed at something someone did. Write a list of five reasons why what they did is actually a good thing. And that can take a little bit of courage, because often we tell the story of this person rejected me. How could they fucking do this to me? Like they're an asshole, they're a bitch. What's wrong with them? But if you're feeling brave and courageous, get the pen out, get a piece of paper out and write five reasons why it's a good thing that they said no, okay.

Speaker 1:

Well, it's a good thing because it means that I now get a chance to spend a bit of time by myself tonight focusing on myself, which is kind of what I wanted anyway. I wanted a bit of intimacy, I wanted a bit of validation. I can just give those things to myself. Maybe a second reason it's a good thing is hey, at least I get an early night tonight. I was going to see them and stay up all night having sex, but at least I get to have an early night tomorrow I'll probably actually feel really good because I'm not tired. Maybe a third reason is because, hey, you know what? Maybe this woman said no to me, but she said yes to herself. She didn't want to come over and see me and have sex because she's fucking tired, and so she was able to enforce her own healthy boundaries. That's kind of beautiful. Like lots of us struggle with our boundaries. If she's able to enforce her's, fucking hell, that's courageous. I like that, that's nice.

Speaker 1:

And so you can just write this list of five reasons why it's a good thing that this person did or said, whatever it is they did or said. And so I would get this client of mine and he really liked to do this and got a lot of benefit from this to just go do some other shit and have some fun. I mean, sometimes he would even go out and say, okay, like look, this woman didn't want to see me, that's fine, maybe I'll go talk to some other girls in a bar and I'll show myself that there's more fish in the sea, there's other human beings out there. I can go talk to more women and if you're a woman listening, you can do the same thing. Go talk to another couple of guys and show yourself you don't have to fucking sleep with them, but show yourself that there's other human beings out there. Go talk to your damn friends. Go talk to yourself, go do anything.

Speaker 1:

Go spend some time listening to a podcast, read a book, but do something other than sitting around ruminating and just getting more and more emotional Again. The emotions are wonderful, they're trying to tell you something, but what I'm saying is don't sit there and like, make the emotions. It's not that it's like don't sit there and continue telling stories about how this is shit and this isn't fair and how could this person fuck me over and all of this kind of stuff. So, yeah, I still, to this day, like I said, we'll take a pause before I send a text or write a YouTube reply or whatever it might be, if I think that I'm responding from a knee jerk reaction place and, like I said, I very rarely feel angry or emotional now, but I definitely feel that feeling of I just want to like quickly react to this.

Speaker 1:

And so when I feel that, like I said, I will put that pause in and think, no, hey, what kind of person am I? Or like, who is Andy and who do I want to be? And what if I just be that person right now? And if I want to be the type of person who sits there and thinks for five minutes before he sends something, then what if I just try that right now? And so, again, all of this stuff is not we're not aiming for perfection. You're not aiming to just like be the king or the queen of like perfect. You know, stoic, beautiful, loving text messages, but it's about and again, only do this if you want to. For me, it's about being more of the person that I want to be, and the person that I, andy, personally want to be is someone who sends nice, loving texts and I'm not always perfect. Like I said, progress, not perfection.

Speaker 1:

But whether it's to my friends, my family, you guys and girls, people that I've replied to in emails, my you know Cam, my business partner, and people like that, I like to stick that pause in, especially in a relationship. This is something that's been a game changer in a relationship like in my relationship with my girlfriend, imogen. You know we've been together for five and a half years at this point and the pause trick is a fucking God tier trick, like just pausing for five fucking minutes. And what we do is and we say this all the time we say, hey, just give me like five minutes to think about this. And then, you know, because we've built that habit, we've done that enough times, the other person knows exactly what that means and we can be like sure, that's cool, like go think about it, that's fine.

Speaker 1:

Or we sometimes say, hey, I just need a little bit of time to myself. I love you, I'll come back in like five or 10 minutes, yeah, that's fine. Or sometimes we'll say, look, I think I just want to go home for today and chill and be by myself. I will message you later or I'll see you tomorrow, or I'll see you the next day or whatever, and we've gotten really good at doing that. We know exactly what that means. You know because we've been together for like five and a half fucking years, but we were not perfect with this stuff at the start.

Speaker 1:

Like the first couple of times we said, hey, I just need five minutes to pause, the other person will be like wait, why are you rejecting me? Like why can't you answer me now? Why do you need to go away? Like am I really that scary that you have to go away for five minutes and think by yourself, like can't you just like come on? Like why can't we just talk about it now? Like it took us a little bit to be okay with giving the other person that space. You know, giving space is something that took us a lot of practice. We were both not very good at that. We weren't. So again, progress, not perfection. You don't need to be perfect with this stuff.

Speaker 1:

If you'd like more help with this, obviously I have coaching and I'm really excited about this. I've mentioned this a few times recently, but for the next, I think it'll be for the next two weeks now by the time you guys listen to this. For the next two weeks, I have an amazing coaching deal, so 18 weeks if you pay in full within the next two weeks. So sign up in the next two weeks, pay in full and you will get 18 weeks of coaching instead of the usual 12 and obviously still lifetime access to our private discord group, which has all of the other coaching clients. So guys in there and girls in there we have a couple of girls in there now, which is really cool. So any women listening of coaching is something that you are interested in. You're absolutely welcome to sign up. I will be clear that it is mostly men that are in the group, so you know, be okay with that, but all of the guys in the group are really fucking loving and all of that kind of stuff. Everyone's really nice.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, if coaching is something that you have been sort of thinking about, which I get a lot like, you guys have no idea how many people email me. It's really always adorable when they do. They're like dude, I really want to sign up for coaching, but I just I can't and I always have the same thought where I'm like, why are you telling me? Like, why are you telling me that you can't sign up for coaching? I know why they're telling me. You tell me because you know you feel this weird sense of like, almost guilt, like I've had that people have emailed me, that which is like oddly humbling and also nice, but at the same time like very unusual or very interesting.

Speaker 1:

The first few times happen, but Some of you feel like guilt cuz you like you know, andy man, you've given away all this free content. You like helped me, you really change my life. And you tell me all the time, like no excuses, like, come on, like let's change a laugh. Come on, coaching will change a laugh. Come on, don't worry about money, offer payment plans, bubble bar.

Speaker 1:

And some of you feel like guilty cuz you like, damn, do you like you've given me all this stuff and I wanna sign up for coaching. But, like you know, I've got this hurdle or this problem or this challenge and so, obviously, like I'm here to help you work through those challenges. Like, if that's money, I have payment plans, obviously, and I took out I'm someone that's taken out a lot of like bank loans and stuff in the past, which is always been really fucking scary, but I've always been really glad I've done it. So that's an option. Like I've had plenty of clients that just take out bank loans or Put it on the credit card and stuff like that. But you know, I'm happy to work with you guys and girls and help you find out, figure out solutions, but at the end of the day, like if you don't wanna sign up for coaching, like don't feel guilty. I don't want you feel guilty about that. It's your life. You do whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 1:

But I think a lot of the time the guilt comes from, and I've had this a lot. So you guys and girls know that I push honesty and I try as best as I can not to push anyone to do something that they really don't want to do. And I'm not always perfect with that, cuz you know, sometimes like people don't have a lot of practice with enforcing their own boundaries and so I'm pretty good at knowing when someone's like Maybe scared to tell me no, especially when it comes to sex. You know, cuz I am quite you know, I'm like Covered in tattoos. I'm quite tall, I have a bold shaved head. I'm very into bd sm.

Speaker 1:

I have quite a confident demeanor, especially like in person, and so I understand that I can be intimidating, even though I'm like a teddy bear. People tell me all the time that I'm like a soft, nice little teddy bear. But I understand that it can be intimidating, especially if you're a girl and you're meeting my girlfriend image and I at the same time for bd, sm and threesomes and stuff like that. All of that can be intimidating. And I'm pretty good at knowing when a girl's like scared to say no but just like doesn't know how to say no. And so my favorite little quote is like I'm like you're allowed to say no. You know that you're allowed to say no.

Speaker 1:

So I kind of say the same to like coaching, like potential coaching clients, when I do those calls where you know someone comes on a call with me to see if they want to sign up for the coach, for me to get them to sign up for the coaching group, cuz most of the time by that point they already want to sign up. But Sometimes I can see that they're like has attention to shit, and so I'm like you know, you don't have to sign up if you don't want to. So I guess I'm saying all of that to you now like I want you to feel guilty. Now. A lot of the time what happens is the person will feel guilty about money, and that's why a lot of people email me and say, like I want to sign up for coaching, but I'm and like fuck, now's not the right time.

Speaker 1:

I will often reply back and say are you sending me this because you want me to push you into coaching? And I get a surprising amount of people that are like fuck man, like kind of yeah, and so I'm like man, like jump on a call with me and I can push you if you want to, will get on the call and I'll be like look, I'm gonna ask you again do you want me to push you to sign up for coaching? And I've had so many guys I think like five people have like looked me in the eyes I mean look me in the camera, I guess and said I do, I want you to push me. And so, my fuck man, I'm gonna fucking go hard on you right now like this, gonna go crazy, like if you just can send it to this this is essentially Like what I do with women during btsm if you can send to this. We're gonna do some wild, crazy, amazing, fucking kinky shit. Not that I'm doing kinky shit with my clients, but you know, I'm gonna fucking go hard on you right now. If you want me to push you, I will fucking push you. So that's always a really interesting experience and I think that's Might sound like a weird anecdote that I've just given you that, but that's kind of my mindset around sex as well.

Speaker 1:

A lot of you, when you go on dates and stuff like that, maybe get to the point where you say to a girl you know and this applies to women to, but we'll just talk from the mail point of view you say to a woman Do you want to come back to my place? I'm having fun, do you want to come back to my place? And she's kind of like on the fence and she's like Like I don't know and like in that moment my favorite thing to say is I'm like do you want me to help you make this decision right now? Well, like, do you want me to help you? Say yes. And, by the way, if you want to say no, say no. But like Is this a yes? But you're just scared to say yes. Like, do you want me to push you right now?

Speaker 1:

I've had so many women go like like kind of kind of my, what do you want me to do? You want me to push you? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to tell me what you're nervous about? Like I were on the same team, I can help you here and I've said this so many times like you and women and any women listening, you and men, but you and the people that you're on dates with almost always on the same team. If they're not, they'll tell you because they'll be like I have to go, I don't want to be here, goodbye. But they're almost always on your team. They want the same thing as you do, like 98% of the time.

Speaker 1:

And so just asking that question yeah, do you want the same thing that I want? But maybe you're just nervous right now. Such a fucking game changer, because then you can both help each other. Now you can both solve the problems. You know, like maybe she's a little bit nervous and she doesn't know if she's ready to go all the way tonight and she doesn't want to feel slutty and she doesn't want to give away her plausible deniability. Like she wants to reserve the right to say no. I change her mind at any point. She doesn't want to commit to something if she doesn't know that she's ready yet. And so you can understand all of that and be like, yeah, it's cool. Like what do you want to do? Do you want to just like go back and try some stuff? Do you want to make out a little bit like what do you want to? Do you get to like solve the problem together?

Speaker 1:

So I try and have the same philosophy with my coaching. I'm not perfect with that. I do push sometimes. I'll be honest. Sometimes I believe my own stories and I'm like Andy, like you got to build this coaching business, you need money. You got all this tax debt. You know I've talked about the tax debt that I have. Right now it's about $90,000 that we're paying off. I'll probably keep giving you guys updates as that comes down and I'll tell you like each threshold that I hit until I pay it all off. But yeah, sometimes I will believe my own stories and I'll be like you got to sign someone up and I will be a little bit pushy. I try not to be too pushy and you know the goal isn't perfection here with any of our things that we're doing. But I do my best. But, yeah, hope, all of this rambling I love rambling, I love talking to you guys and girls, but I hope some of this rambling was useful. Like I said, coaching right now 18 weeks for the price of 12. That's only if you sign up and paying full in the next two weeks. If you don't pay in full, like if you need to take a payment plan, then all of the usual coaching applies. So to be 12 weeks.

Speaker 1:

Discord group change your life. Kajabi we got all these different. Kajabi is just the platform that we use. That has all the different video courses and ebooks and all the good shit. You get me coaching you. You get cam coaching you. You get Taylor and Ed coaching you Coaching you. And on that note, my god, am I fucking impressed with Ed and Taylor as well. But lots of you will note Ed a lot more. Ed has just like changed fundamentally as a human being.

Speaker 1:

From the Ed that I met two years ago, you know, when I met him he was 31, a virgin. Really didn't think he was ever gonna lose it. Had severe erectile dysfunction to the point where, like he could get women in the bedroom and his dick just like didn't work. And he had been to so many different counselors and psychologists and therapists and like all this fucking shit, and I remember some of our earliest calls. He just had this like deep sense of like hopelessness and feeling of like I don't know if this is fixable. And I was very honest with him at the start. I was like, look, I don't know how we're gonna fix your erectile dysfunction and how we're gonna get you to a point where you're comfortable with women in the bedroom. But I know that every problem has a solution and as long as you're willing to not give up, I promise you I won't give up and all we're gonna do is just write out a big list of like a hundred different things that you can try and we're gonna try all of them and we're gonna just keep fucking trying until we get this.

Speaker 1:

And it took a while. It took like maybe six months or a year Before he had sex and he did lots of fooling around stuff before that, but until he was like at the point where he could comfortably have sex and his dick would work. And man, he has just come such a long way since then. Like I've lost count of how many women he's had amazing experiences with. I think it's getting towards like a hundred, like a hundred. He hasn't had sex with all of them because he's someone that's not Super desperate for sex, which is funny because he was the guy that was like very, you know, as a virgin at thirty one he was very focused on having sex. But he has a lot of like, I think probably half the women that he's been with. He just fools around and does other stuff and seems to have a great time anyway.

Speaker 1:

Long story short, adds an amazing fucking human being. I love him to bits and it's really nice having him as a coach in the group alongside me. So Link in the description to the coaching. As always, ladies and gentlemen, go out there, crush those goals and feel free to try the little pausing trick. Stick a little pause between what you want to send, what you actually want to send. You know what I mean, what you think in the moment you want to send, but what you actually want to send, if you pause and think about it and let yourself sort of process the emotions a little bit. First.

Letting Go of Expectations and Texts
Managing Anger and Butthurt Texts
The Power of Pausing Before Reacting
The Power of Pausing in Communication
Coping With Rejection and Seeking Self-Validation
Exploring Communication in Dating & Coaching
Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction