Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

The Approaches that Scare You the Most

August 30, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
The Approaches that Scare You the Most
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

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Speaker 1:

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Speaker 2:

Hello everyone. It's Cameron. I'm Andy's assistant coach in his coaching program. Today we're gonna be talking about the situations with approaching women and asking them out, the specific situations that scare you the most. I'm a guy who used to have terrible approach anxiety. Actually, one of the biggest reasons I ever went to get help from Andy in the first place was I wanted to be a guy that was able to, when he saw a woman he found attractive, to actually be able to go up to them, approach them, tell me likes them and then ask them out. That's a guy that I always wanted to be.

Speaker 2:

I know there's plenty of guys out there who want the same thing but have this horrible, got wrenching anxiety that prevents them. And in my own experience I got over it by, you know, just straight up having Andy throw me at these situations and tell me you just going to protect girl. He showed me how to do it a few times. Then I went and did it. I got all these Exposure therapy memory bank moments, if we can call it like that. Like every day I was approaching a new girl, trying to ramp up the numbers. Eventually I had so much exposure therapy to realize that the anxiety was bigger in my head than actually, like it wasn't as scary as I thought it was, and nowadays I still have the anxiety, I think. I think a lot of guys still have the anxiety in their core, but they're able to approach women because they have the experience and because they had that exposure. And I think a lot of guys out there who watch any content are maybe in the beginning stages of just figuring out how to get over their own anxiety approach.

Speaker 2:

Anxiety and he has a lot of content on this is like a multi headed Beast. It can be in different forms for every different person. And today I want to talk about something very specific for guys who are just starting out with this stuff. Guys who have maybe done a couple of approaches or just thinking about going out and doing their first few approaches and they're hitting certain hurdles around the scariest situations in which they can approach. Maybe they've been able to approach in very specific situations, like they know all. There's a girl on her own, no one's around. I can go and do that when they see other situations. For example, people are around who could over here. Maybe the girl is with someone who looks like their family member or their friends. Maybe they are this other surrounding environmental concerns that make it seem even more terrifying to go and do that approach. A good example of that Situational like environmental thing that makes it harder to approach the gym. I know I always never wanted to approach in the gym. It felt a bit different, it felt a bit weird to go and do that. It felt like I was Destroying the sanctity of the gym where I work out and where these people women, women have come to work out without being bothered, stuff like that.

Speaker 2:

I also had a few situations like in train stations. I was a big one and he actually loves approaching in train stations. He found that to be one of the best places to go. I was terrified by that. The other one was like escalators. I was terrified by that. For some reason I think both of the train station in the escalators it's like it's a situation where the woman you're approaching is like static and can't like get away from you really quickly and you feel like a lot better about approaching women who have like they're able to just walk off if they aren't happy with the interaction or it goes badly, that all you can just walk off really quickly. That makes it like safer from your perspective. That's why I think I had that issue. I think Andy, on the other hand, was like oh, they're in a train station, they'll actually be more likely to talk to me, which makes, you know, more logical sense when you ignore your anxiety in that issue. I'll get deeper into some more examples in a second.

Speaker 2:

I think, now that I've set the stage, I want to mention One of the overriding concepts. Andy has one of the overriding concepts that I teach, which is feel the fear and do it anyway. And Andy has another thing which is run towards fear. Both of these are sort of they're suggesting that the fear itself is not a bad thing. The fear itself is just there and it's something you have to accept and contend with. And to some degree, we think it's a good thing to run towards the things that make you feel fear, especially with a lot of the stuff in self-improvement, like making content and putting out on the internet, for example. I was very fucking afraid of doing this, you know, afraid of putting my face out there, afraid of talking about getting laid on the internet. That is something that you know. I feel fear, but it's something that I can do to add value to the world. It's something that I can do to increase my personal reach. It's something that Andy did to build this YouTube, build his business. It's something that needs to be done. It just comes with a certain amount of fear, and it's not a bad thing. In fact, we were trying to encourage ourselves to run towards that fear.

Speaker 2:

And approaching is exactly the same. Approaching is one of those things that you know in your mind is something that you wanna do, something you wanna be able to do, something that'll make you feel more like a man and, on top of that, something that will increase your options with women. You won't be stuck with just the apps. You won't be stuck with just your social circle. You won't be stuck with just getting incredibly drunk on a Friday night and somehow ending up on a one night stand but you don't exactly know how it happened. Instead of just going through the normal avenues, you can go through this crazy open world of day game and night game, cold approach, where you're completely sober and you have more control, and you have more control over who you talk to, whereas on the apps you're a bit restricted. Social circle you're a bit restricted. Drunken night game is just a mess.

Speaker 2:

I mentioned those because it's like that's like a society, mainstream, normal ways of how guys meet girls and how guys approach women, and day game is kind of like the weird version of that. Day game is like the one that takes like a lot of balls and it's kind of like a little bit more interesting and then like more sober night game, more planned night game as well. It's a little bit more, takes more balls. It takes you being a guy that gets over his approach, anxiety, feel the fear, do it anyway Because you want to do it. If you don't want to do any of this, fine. We're not trying to make people do what they won't want to do. We're trying to talk to the guys who know they want to do this and are having anxiety come up, fear come up as the hurdle, as the wall that's getting in the way. So, yes, very much for people who actually want to do it. This way, you can have a great sex life with just online dating. You know, and the and I working on our businesses, we mostly focus on online just because it's way more, it's way more streamlined, it's way more efficient.

Speaker 2:

But I think it's valuable for every guy in their twenties to have a stint where they go through learning how to approach. So I think, being able to approach any girl you want, being able to approach when you see a girl that like, really gets your blood going, really like, oh my God, I'm attracted to that woman. Being able to go up to her and make your feelings known, ask her out on a date Incredible life skill, incredible gift you can give to yourself Definitely worth chasing headfirst into that fear and conquering this approach anxiety. Back to these specific situations that I want to talk more about. So you've got a few approaches you've been able to approach would be girls sitting alone, girls walking alone, girls sat in like a food court, like I was able to do. These were, like, not easy, but they are approaches that I was comfortable doing.

Speaker 2:

When I was with Andy, I was very honest with him that like there are approaches that I'm just not comfortable doing. And the first one of these was girls in a crowd with a lot of people around them, and he immediately went up and approached the girl and was like, watch everyone around me as I do this. Are they paying attention? And then he went up and he approached this woman, tapped her on the shoulder, said hey, I thought you were cute, had a little bit of a chat with her and was like, took her Instagram, came back and he asked me yo, did anyone look? Did anyone pay attention? And I've been watching the crowd, absolutely not. No one gave a shit that this guy had gone up, tapped this girl on the shoulder and had a small conversation with her.

Speaker 2:

Essentially, when this happens in a crowd, everyone thinks you kind of know each other. Everyone just sees two people having a conversation. They don't know what's going down, but you and your head, me and my head anyway, my approach anxiety was like everyone is watching, everyone's going to over here. This is going to go really badly. Someone's going to call the police, you know what I mean. Or someone's going to get involved, or someone's going to break it up and like, nah, it doesn't happen.

Speaker 2:

Like, especially if you're polite. That's what the main overriding thing of like all of Andy and me is like approaching is it's very polite, it's very like, respectful of the girl. It's not like anything super aggressive. That like, especially if you're a newbie, I think it's good to start with. Like polite, nice, nice guys. The wrong word here was it basic games, what our old mentor, chris, used to say, like basic guy game, can you go up just tell a girl respectfully that you like her and you want to go out with her on a date? And just to add, if someone does over here, it still isn't the end of the world. People don't tend to have like the balls to like if they see something happening and they don't like it in that way, even if it's like super respectful. Very few people have like actually are actually going to get into Vina or whatever, and most people just see it and kind of walk on. We used to actually see like approaching happening in a lot of the areas that we he took me out into, like we would see other people approaching. So it wasn't just something that like no, it happens. You know girls do get approached. A lot of them are able to handle it pretty well.

Speaker 2:

I want to talk again about the stairs and train stations Like I hear guys talk about, just like situations where I don't know like it's quieter it's another thing with the overhearing thing Like if you end up in a situation where you're in an area it's very quiet, it's like an enclosed space. That's what the train station felt like for me. Like I can't approach girls here. It's an enclosed space, everyone's around, everyone's static. So Andy made me do like a bunch of approaches in a train station. He also made me approach on a university campus, which I found was to be a little bit awkward too, I guess. Like in my mind it was like, oh, these guys being creepy on a university campus, you don't go to the university. That was another one. Where else did we go? The big one is like groups. A lot of people are very afraid to approach groups and again, you just have to do it Like.

Speaker 2:

I think the overarching thing I'm going to say here, based on what Andy was doing when he was coaching me, is that, like, if you spot these areas that really scare you, those are the approaches you have to go and do. Those are the approaches that it'll be in your best interest to get exposure for the ones that absolutely scare you the most. That's the main issue message of this entire video. You know, I want you to run towards your fear. I want you to recognize how great it would be to be able to approach. Both of these things come together and you going after the approach Situations that scare you the absolute most. So, after all these situational approaches, I realized these weren't the approaches that terrified me the most. I'm gonna finish this video talking about me getting over the ones that really scare me.

Speaker 2:

Those are warm social circle approaches, yeah, the ones where you tell girls that you already kind of know that you're into them. The ones where you tell girls that have been introduced to you by a friend, that have social connections to you, that you're into them. This was one of the areas I wanted carry over. I wanted the cold approach day game, night game called approach to make me ballsy enough To be able to go after the girls in my social circle. I mean lost my voice there. I'm nervous, I feel about this.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, so like social circle, like you know, admitting to girls, I have like like long-term feelings for admitting to girls. I feel like the main one was less girls I had long-term feelings for because you know I was I was alright at getting to that stage where it's like I realized in my early 20s it was just easier to like actually tell girls I had things for them. But the one that got me the most is when a friend invites other girls like a party or brings girls on a night out and they're really hot and I feel like there's a bit of a connection, and Then I don't make a move because I'm worried about the social ramifications or I'm worried about Maybe my friends into them, or I'm worried about making the night all about me and this chick. I've always felt super awkward and super held back when it comes to these situations and so I wanted the ballsy-ness of being a guy that approached to carry over into those situations, and this was the best thing I got.

Speaker 2:

Once I went back after my first couple of weeks Getting coaching with Andy, I went back to my social scene in Sydney. I'm not Australian, but I did live in Sydney and I was able now to actually do these warm approaches. I was able now to, almost at a drop of a hat, make out, try and get bring girls back who I had met through friends, and that was what I really wanted to unlock. That was the situation I was most scared of, and the problem with that one is like I can't. You can't crunch numbers with that so much so you have to just always take the situation when it arises, and that's really about being able to just the general concept of running towards fear. So if you always see these situations arise, like you just meet a girl through your friend and like, oh shit, this is one of those situations you have to go for it. You can't practice that one, I can't. I can't go to like I can go to a mall and find a bunch of girls on an escalator and like, practice that over and over again. I can't practice this one, this arises when it arises. I could build a much more active social life and then maybe get more shots, but I can't manufacture those shots as much like a manufacturer and find the other situations. So this one was very much taking the philosophy, taking the carryover from all the exposure of the cold approach and just being able to just go for it when I saw that opportunity. Yeah, that's the one I was, that's what I was most proud of. Those were the approaches I was always most proud of, the ones I'd always been shit scared to go for.

Speaker 2:

And, yeah, I'm very grateful to Andy for you know, giving me all the help he did with my God awful approach anxiety. Although, if you go rack and read his logs, I recommend you go read. He's got an article called how to beat your approach, how I beat my approach anxiety and he goes through. He did in a whole program that was laid out by another content creator. He then took a massive break and then he came back to it and then he eventually will started doing approaching and getting laid from approach as well. It's a hugely interesting part of his history and I recommend everyone go and be aware of it If you're interested in doing something very similar, because Andy has not only done this himself, he's also coached plenty of guys on how to get over their approach anxiety and if you're looking for that sort of direct help lovely segue we have a coaching program.

Speaker 2:

There'll be information down below. We'll love to help guys break down this approach anxiety, approach even in the scariest situations and even approach the girls that they really like in their social circles, like I was able to do. Hope you guys have a lovely day. Peace out till next time.

Speaker 1:

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