Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Resisting the Urge to SETTLE in Sex/Dating/Love

September 03, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Resisting the Urge to SETTLE in Sex/Dating/Love
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Cam shares his thoughts on why most people (including his past self) settle in relationships/dating.

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Speaker 2:

Hello everybody, this is Cameron. I am Andy's assistant coach, coming back at you with another video, and today we're going to be talk about settling. Why men and women do this, why we might all be afraid of this happening, why I myself did this and sparked a fear of falling back into such a situation. Yes, I'm gonna delve into a story from the earliest days of my relationship and dating life. I do wanna start by defining exactly what I mean by settling, and it's a very to me anyway has a very particular definition versus what other people might suggest could be seen as settling. I view this as being in a relationship or any kind of dating situation with someone that you are not Attracted to in terms of personality or physically or whatever. Whatever combination of those things is important to you and you persist with it anyway, for reasons will get into later. What I don't really mean our situations where you're dating someone but you feel like the relationship is lacking in some way, or you feel like there's something missing in terms of a click. But there is something that could be built there. There is potential there. It's not really about your attraction to them. Andy has so many videos as an entire playlist about how to build great relationships, how to build something between you and somebody else, and I would suggest going watching that if you're in something where it feels like there's attraction but there's like a lack of something and it's not me, it's me not fully enjoying it. So, yeah, great relationship to be built. Andy goes into great detail in communication, honesty, getting girls on your team as and guys on your team, you know, building something special together. But today we're talking more about being Stuck. They never really stuck at your decision in a relationship with someone that you are no longer attracted to, or never really were that attracted to. But you went into the thing anyway. The biggest story I have in my own experience is my first proper long term relationship and it followed my first real, my first full relationship, because my first relationship the first girl ever had sex with anything with Was more of a long distance thing and in terms of face to face time we only really had a few weeks. So I don't really count that as my first relationship. My first real relationship was actually the third girl ever had sex with and it was about a year long this relationship, and I realized I was not attracted to her after about two months. So you can see there that I very much settled into something where I realized fairly early on that I wasn't that attracted to the girl and yet it went for 12 months, as opposed to the two that it took me to realize what I realized. I had a bit of video marketing material like a year ago that I was playing around with where I was discussing the pitfalls Of dating that the modern man needs to avoid and one of those was settling and it very much comes from my experience in this relationship where you know you feel like you're giving your time and your energy and it obviously your sexual energy as well to someone that you don't really want to be around. It's very draining, it's very, it's very. It makes, it triggers all your insecurities as well. I guess like we'll talk about that in a second with the reasons, I guess why I stuck in that relationship and I think the reasons why guys do settle like being complacent and feeling complacency. The reality is they're truly doingмерикan men. So when I sought to talk to you about that, when Dominique printed my bio Medium a little bit longer and because we don't know what to do with it but her I studied just how I really was about and you're aware of it isn't very fun, you know. Being around someone when you don't really want to sleep with them as well and putting yourself through those motions that is incredibly draining. That just. I just Will never, I will never do that again. I will never put myself in a situation where someone is expecting Like sex from me and expecting also emotional intimacy from me and I am giving it to them and it feels like a chore. I never, ever want to be in that situation again. It's not something I want anyone to really be going through. I'm not one of those people who has any kind of like. We should plan society this way and we should do like I guess it's more conservative, like religious elements who want to essentially keep people in relationships or whatever like that. But I have too much empathy for people who feel stuck In relationships, who feel stuck in those situations. I just like I can't Bring myself to ever want to force people to go through that. And I wasn't even like when I was married or had a child or anything. I just I know I was. I guess I was gonna say I was young and silly and inexperienced and didn't know that I could just, you know, walk away from the whole thing. I would be okay. I didn't know that I could let that person down and they would be okay. There was very much a I didn't want to break their heart kind of thing. I wanted to make them happy and in trying to please them I was, you know, not looking after my own needs and what I wanted, and I think that's for a lot of people that's gonna be a big one. I just hope I'm conveying a sense of, like the emotions that I felt during this the most, the way I felt During my settling relationship which, looking back, was one of the bigger mistakes I made. I also there's also some, like you know, less Like high end emotional stuff where I, like, I think I gave up some of a good year of my life. I gave up an opportunity where I was living in a great metropolitan city for dating and instead of being out there learning to date, being single, I instead, you know, was giving my energy to someone I wasn't that attracted to. It feels, looking back, like a big waste of time, and I didn't. I just did a video with Andy where I talk about you know, time wasted isn't a bad thing, you know, looking back on these events, you try not to look back on them with too much, too much sadness, but also not too much being hard on yourself for the decisions you made. Try and look at the positives and I can reframe this experience I had with positives to like. You know, I got to be honest, I got a lot of sexual experience with this girl, like. I learned how to have sex, probably mostly from this one girl. I had all of the good relationship management skills that I have from this girl. I had Just basic understanding of like how a relationship works, all that stuff, how two people can you know, function together, living with someone else for a little bit as well, I learned those skills. I think there is a lot of positives that came out of it, but the overall feeling while I was in it it kind of fuels me to not end up in that situation again. That itself is a positive like a learning experience. Like that was a learning experience for me. So I want to delve in more into like as the theory and analysis of what settling is and why. So I had a bunch of reasons I put down on my phone for why do guys settle, or what a girl settle. You know, the big ones I got were fear of being alone, laziness, the social benefits of being in a relationship and not wanting to hurt another person those like my big four, we're gonna say. Fear of being alone is a big one. Whenever I hear people talk about settling into relationships that aren't super psyched about, I think they feel like they would rather be alone than not be in that sorry, they would rather not be alone than not be in a relationship with someone. So they will happily take someone they can get, someone that they know will stick with them, versus someone that they know they may be super attracted to or make them happier. I can empathize with people who have this. I personally am no longer in a situation where I would feel this way. I feel like it makes me feel more like a man, to be honest, to say to myself no, I'm not going to settle, I'm going to go out there and find someone that like is into me, that I'm really attracted to. Or Also, I would rather be alone and single, then go back to that situation again, be in a situation where I'm with someone who makes me like, basically, it brings up my insecurities. It brings up. You know, is this, like this is kind of the best I can do, you know, I mean that kind of thing and it's not like, objectively, the other person is terrible is just there, not for you. And this idea that you want able to go out and get what you want because you know you want, maybe on attractive enough or maybe you haven't got, I guess, the balls as a man to go out there and find what you want, or you haven't got the commitment to you know, taking this seriously and going out and getting that will talk about this in terms of, like, the things you have to do to solve this problem, but the main one is obviously no self improvement and actually going to find the girls, talking to girls and becoming more attractive. So those are the things you have to do and If, like you know, if you stick with someone Because you're afraid, it's because you haven't really put enough time into those things. Potentially, you know, like, if you go and put time into those things, you will find more girls who excite you. You will find more girls who meet more of the boxes than the girl that you are potentially settling for. Attached to this is laziness, which is the other one I put down complacency and laziness, like it's just easier to be In a relationship and like I think it was I wasn't good looking loser who said this. It was someone famous. Like most people live lives Of comfortable misery, something like that, and that pretty much sums it up. Like you want to be comfortable, you don't want to go out there and, you know, take a risk Leaving the person in the first place is a risk you just want to be comfortable, you just want to watch TV with someone and you know, netflix your life away. It's like Okay, that's fine. Probably not the audience that is watching this video that feels like that. You know, I mean probably the audience that comes to Andy and comes to myself and would want to go into our coaching group and stuff like that Probably aren't gonna accept oh, I'm just lazy, as an excuse, you know. Next one down with social benefits of being in a relationship. This is interesting one because, like, even if you don't Fully like the person you're with in, like an exciting romantic sort of way, there are benefits, you know, to being in a relationship. There are benefits like there's more social proof that you get from having a girlfriend. I guess you know you always have something to go out and do you bring someone to like groups with your friends to go out? You probably go out more when you have our relationship with somebody, or that's actually not true. If you're single and being aggressive about, you know, finding girls, you will be out a lot, but typically for someone who single and spend all their time alone, maybe they'll be out less than someone who is in one of these relationships. So that was an interesting one because that was big for me, like having a girlfriend at last to like show to all my friends and my parents etc. Like that. That was actually kind of a big deal For me just to be able to say, hey, I've got a girlfriend, now come and meet her. And the last one was not wanting to hurt another person, which, yeah. The problem with this one is, the longer you let this go on for To potentially an inevitable end and I think in a lot of situations where people aren't that keen on their partner they do it will eventually end like they can only put up with that for so long and the more you drag this out, the worse it's gonna be. I don't really have anything good to say about this other than, obviously, if you feel this way, you're like, obviously an empathetic person, you do actually care for the other person that you're with. But it's a bad reason in my mind and I don't necessarily like using the word bad, like I trying to see the positives in this, but now it's like, if you drag it out, it was like in my situation it was like two months versus twelve months. You know, I could have ended it two months. It probably would have been easier for the other person to get over. As it was. I don't think it was very easy for them to get over that situation. So it's one of those things where the quicker you cut things off and I know some people are a little bit more brutal about this than others and people, guys who are like out there grinding right now called approach and online, know that. You know some girls are very brutal and don't give a lot of option, and maybe guys are the same way to girls, you know. But cut it off early. Better one quick stab to the heart than twenty all over the body. You know, I mean quick, early. When you figure out you're not really into them anymore. When you figure the chemistry is not really there, just ended there as early as you can, so you don't drag the situation out. My whole story and my analysis of the situation informed me a long time ago that my preference over the settling relationships Is to be single and dating. I would rather much rather be single and being a relationship. I'm not super into the person. I think if you ask most people they would agree. It's just that there are people who forget this and, like you know, they get affected more by the reasons that we talked about. But I do feel like I have read that the community I'm talking to probably agrees with me. I really wanted to talk about this because I think the fear of settling for someone now that I've had this experience and I know, I guess, how much I just like this idea the fear of this happening to me in the future is what drives a lot of myself improvement when it came to dating and relationships. I did not want to be someone that settled like this. I did not want to be someone who ended up with someone I wasn't attracted to and a lot of that drove my. You know me seeking higher quality girls, me seeking the girls being able to get the girls I always wanted. That's what drove a lot of this and that's also how you get out Of being stuck in these situations. It is with self improvement, is with being able to talk to more girls. So you wanna kill your approach anxiety. Improve your looks, improve your way you talk to girls, go on a fuck ton of dates. You know what you're doing. This gives you options and gives you abundance, and that's what we're looking for. We're looking for the ability to have options and said, you get there with self improvement and you get to realize your options by going out and playing the numbers game. I don't really need to spend a lot of time explaining how to avoid this because the whole channel realistically, with the exception of the relationship stuff I talked about, the rest of the channel is all about, you know, improving yourself and then going out and finding these girls. And once you built yourself up and once you've gone out and spoken to a shit ton of girls on a shit ton of dates, hooked up with a bunch of girls maybe you've dated a few girls simultaneously, like me at the thing on monogamous, live the lifestyle at that point you'll be in a situation where you find girls to build long term relationships build something special with. Like Andy and Amy, like myself and one of the girls I'm seeing now. You can build something special Without the feeling that you're settling, without the feeling that you're gonna have to be stuck in something where you're not feeling it with that girl. Or if you're a girl, same thing, same, but with a guy, obviously to those of my views on settling for someone that's not attracted to. It's one of those fears I have. That's more of a fuel. It's not something I want to run towards. It's very much making me run away from it, towards, you know, better options, a better life, better dating life. Specifically, I hope you guys enjoyed this video. As always, andy and I offer a group coaching program, which you can find information down below. You also offers two hundred dollar calls and the fucking change my life. I've mentioned enough time to this point. If you want to have your life change to and this time me and Andy will tag team you super, fucking hard, will I full tower you to your success. Alright, if you're interested, check information down below.

Speaker 1:

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