Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

You'd Be UNHAPPY if Everyone Did What You Wanted (Unintended Consequences/Arguing with Reality)

September 06, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
You'd Be UNHAPPY if Everyone Did What You Wanted (Unintended Consequences/Arguing with Reality)
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Speaker 1:

Hello, lovely people, there are four days left to grab my coaching deal where, if you sign up and pay in full within again the next four days, you will get 18 weeks of coaching instead of the usual 12. Now is the perfect time. If you've been procrastinating for a little while, now is the time to sign up. There's a link in the description, click, that I've talked about before on episodes of this podcast that we can often get mad when other people aren't necessarily doing something that we want right. Maybe somebody rejects us, or maybe we're in traffic and we think you know, this guy cut me off. Maybe we're at a restaurant. We think the waiter should be quicker. The waiter is too slow. You know. Maybe somebody we're attracted to. They turn us down and we think they should just give me a chance. Like if they just gave me a chance, they'd see that I could, like, rock their world and give them a great time. Maybe you know something like your partner not putting the dishes away. You know they shouldn't be so messy. Maybe you're in the cinema and people are sort of talking behind you and you think they should shut up. People are trying to watch this movie. You know, we often in life wish that others would do what we want. Sometimes we even take that to the extreme and say that other people should do what we want and that what we want is correct and right and moral and good. And you know they're being a bad person by not doing what we want. And so I've talked in the past on past episodes, that if everybody did exactly what you wanted all of the time, like if your opinion was given to, if your opinion played out, if what you thought was correct played out every single time, one of two things would happen. One of two things would need to happen. Either everybody would have to do what you want, but they'd be miserable about it, since they'd just have to shut up and go along with your plans, even if they didn't wanna do that. Or they would do what you want, but they'd just somehow magically be happy about it, which means they literally wouldn't have free will or the ability to make their own decisions. So think about how lonely that would be. Imagine that you're surrounded by a bunch of people that don't have free will. They're essentially just puppets, like you'd be the only one in the entire world with free will. That would be incredibly lonely. Or in the first you know case where everybody does what you want but they're miserable about it. It's like so now you're surrounded by everybody who kind of hates you because you just get what you want all the time and they never get what they want. So either of those outcomes don't sound fantastic. So when you actually think about it, when we sit there and we argue with reality or we get frustrated that other people aren't doing what we want, it's like no, you actually don't want everyone to do what you want all the time. That would be either incredibly lonely because you're surrounded by puppets who have no free will, or you'd be incredibly lonely because you're surrounded by a whole bunch of people that fucking hate you because you always get what you want, regardless of what they want. Both of those options don't sound great. So we actually live in the kindest universe. We live in a universe where people are allowed to say no to you, where people can disappoint you, where people can let you down, where your expectations can sometimes not be met. We live in a beautiful plane of existence because of those things. So I've talked about that on previous podcasts. But here's another thought that I had recently If other people did what you wanted, like exactly what you wanted all the time. How do you know that's what you actually want? So there's this term in economics and it's used in plenty of other fields as well called unintended consequences, which is where you think something is a good idea but then when you actually put it into place or you actually go down that path, things that, like consequences, you never could have predicted happen, like you had no idea what was gonna happen. You hadn't. You thought you knew what was gonna happen. But when you actually implement your idea, weird stuff starts happening and often things end up worse than if you just did nothing at all. There are a couple of really good examples of this that I can talk about. Government intervention in just in general comes to mind here. There are so many times throughout human history when governments intervened and they were trying to do their best, but maybe they had some policy or they had some idea. They implemented it thinking it was going to go in one direction, but then something that they never could have predicted happens and they go holy shit. This is actually worse than if we'd done nothing. Socialism is probably the biggest example of that and the extreme version of it, communism. But socialism and communism are very tightly linked. They're basically the same thing. So many countries have explored socialism. And then, when you actually implement it, holy shit, all of this weird stuff starts happening. It sounds like a nice little utopian idea on the surface. It comes from the idea of, like we should give equal to everybody so everybody's happy. That sounds like a nice little idea. That sounds like a beautiful idea. That sounds nice and sweet. And then you think about, like how do we actually do that? Well, not everybody wants to have everything equal, like I and he don't. I want the hard work that I put in to pay off. I don't want someone else who doesn't put in any work to get the benefits of the effort that I put in. Like that doesn't. I don't want that. And so what happens when you implement something like socialism, which again sounds like a really beautiful idea on the surface and I even believe that it comes from a good place, I genuinely believe that the majority of people that want socialism they're actually just very sweet and they want everyone to be happy. But the idea when implemented, what happens? One of the unintended consequences that happened is what happens is the very first thing that I Andy, you know someone that puts in a lot of effort and there are lots of people like me. You know the people who put in the main effort of production in a society, the people who are doing stuff, the people that take action. The first thing that those people will do is they will say well, wait, wait, wait, I'm working my ass off. And then not only do I get all the benefit, do I not get all the benefits of working my ass off, because now you're taking 90% of my pay and you're just giving it to other people. Well, like they're getting rewarded when they did nothing, so now they're gonna continue to do nothing, or less than me. At least they're gonna do very little. Fuck it. Like why should I do a lot? Like why the hell should I do a lot? Like I'm not even getting the rewards of it. Maybe I should just put in no effort, like them. And there's a really good book on this called Atlas Shrugged by Arn Rand. Really good book that basically explores the idea of socialism and communism and shows you what happens with like real life examples. It's basically like a story. It's got lots of characters. The book is amazingly written. It's one of the best books that I've ever read in my entire life and everybody I recommend this book to goes holy shit. I wasn't expecting this like epic storyline and these amazing characters, like it's not so much a book about economics even though it is about that but it's more a book about like characters and all of this other shit. But one of the things that happens in there is yeah, like after a couple of years, all the people who are the hardest workers they go fuck this. I'm putting in all this effort and you're just taking like 90% of my reward and giving it to people that sit around doing nothing. You know what I'm gonna leave, like why would I stay? And we already see that in countries that have high taxes my country is one of them and my country is nowhere near one of the highest tax countries, but my country you pay 52% is the max tax that you can pay. I right now I'm paying about 35% More than that. By the time I add in the fact that I am paying 10% fee on everything I purchase and when you actually add the tax up. And Caleb Jones, who's one of my favorite people, has done the actual mathematics on this in America and he worked it all out and said holy shit, when you add all of the different taxes that you actually pay, you're actually paying something like 75, 85% tax in America and Australia would be slightly higher than that, but other countries even more than that. There are countries where, when you work it all out, you're paying about 90% tax. You know Sweden and I don't know if Sweden, but some of those Scandinavian countries where the tax rate is already like 70%, and then you're paying extra tax on top of that. And so what happens then? The people who are the most productive, the people who put in the most work and earn the most money, they leave. That is the first thing. I have a plan that I'm working towards, that I've been working towards for a number of years that in 2026, I will be leaving this country. It might not be exactly in 2026, but that's the goal that I have right now. Might be a little later, might be a little earlier, we'll see. But I do not plan to be an Australian citizen for the rest of my life when the taxes this insanely high, like no, like no. I'm not okay with you taking such a high amount of my money when I'm putting in all this effort. I want to choose what I do with my money. I Would like to choose who I give that money to, and so I would rather keep more of that money and Then say, okay, I can give it to my homeless friend Adam. Okay, I can give this to a children's hospital. Okay, I can give this to, you know, cancer survivors or cancer research. I don't want the money to just go to the government, because I don't like the way that that's spent. That's, it's my money, and so that's what happens. People leave these countries and they go to countries like, you know, dubai. I know Dubai is not a country. They go. They go to Dubai, the city. They go to Singapore. They go to certain states in America, but you're still paying a lot of tax in America. They leave, they become the digital nomad, right? They go and follow YouTube channels that talk about how to Protect your wealth and how to leave and how to go to other countries, and they leave, and so that's what happens, and so that's just one example of an unintended consequence is like, if you implement something like socialism, you know, just as one example, you think that what will happen is that it will be this beautiful utopia and everyone will be happy and all of that, but no, what happens is all of the people who are the backbone of your society, because they're the hardest workers or part of the backbone they're not the only part of the backbone, but they, they leave, they fuck off, they go. This is insane, fuck this. And then all of the people that love freedom and love and Non-aggression and libertarianism, all the hippies, all the people that just want everyone to do whatever they want to do, they leave Because they're like well, this is insane. Like the only way that you're implementing this socialism thing is with force. Like if everybody doesn't, if not everybody wants to do something which not everybody wants socialism the only way that you can have a socialist society is if you either kick out the people who are non-socialists which is what happens throughout human history like every time socialism has tried to be in place has been implemented, they kick. They first kick out, they run it off. They get rid of all the people who are against it, but then not everyone will leave. Some of them will resist, so you have to kill them, which is what socialism has always, you know, done and then anyone that does stay has to either pretend that they go along with it, which is you know. So now your society is left with mostly people who are either so passive that they will put out with something that they don't want, or Liars and a really good and you know, fair enough, they're doing their best, but but they're able to lie and pretend that they're okay with the socialism. So now your, your Civilization or your country, is full of liars and passive people, and all of the free-loving Hippy libertarians have left. All of the people who work really hard have left, and what are you left with? And that's why every socialist country crumbles. That's one of the reasons why socialism crumbles, and so that again is is a really good example, a really obvious, painfully obvious Example. That's happened multiple times throughout human history, but let's just try socialism again and see how it goes. And so, yeah, like that's, that's an unintended consequence. Nobody who implements socialism expects that to happen, even though it's like painfully obvious that that's what's gonna happen. But they don't do it for that. They do it because they want everyone to be happy. Another really good example of this is something like the government Interventions during the lockdowns right 2020 Up until like 2022, depending on your country. You know they forced lockdowns, they emotionally blackmailed in in some countries, basically forced people to get vaccines. In my country we couldn't go anywhere unless we had the vaccine. So you know it's as close to forced as you can get and at the time, governments thought that they were doing the right thing. I, as early as April 2020 Literally when they were just starting to talk about lockdowns I was very against lockdowns and forced interventions. I made a post about it on the good-looking loser forums back when that forum existed. I did a couple of podcasts about it. But you know, I know now they were just trying to do their best. And If you do a little bit of googling on consequences of lockdowns and you can also Google COVID vaccine deaths if you're interested, you don't have to look this stuff up like your life. You don't need to. You know this shit. But if you're interested, you can look that stuff up and you'll see that there's definitely a case to be made that Things weren't made better through government intervention, especially on a mental health level. You know, did being locked inside your home, unable to see your friends, being Perpetually scared for two years? Did that make you feel better? Like was that good for your mental health and you could sit there and argue what's more important, like safety or mental health or whatever. Fine, you know, make that debate yourself. But there is a case to be made that there were a lot of unintended, unintended consequences from doing that and there were quite a few countries that admitted, and quite a few states South Dakota in America was one but there were quite a few states and countries that after a few months reversed the decision and said we fucked up. Like literally, we think we fucked up. We've really, really, really had some unintended consequences here. So that's just another example of unintended consequences. Here's another really good one, a really obvious one Cain toads in Australia. And if you have no idea about cane toads in Australia, which I'm assuming most of you won't, holy shit, since the day I was born, my entire life Maybe not my entire life, but since I was old enough to know what was going on, no, probably my entire life. I'll just say that even when I was a kid, we used to talk about how there's a particular toad which is a type of like frog, called the cane toad, and how much they devastate the local flora and fauna in this country. So I will read a Wikipedia a little bit from Wikipedia because really interesting. So, following the apparent success of the cane toad in eating the beetles that were threatening the sugar cane sugar cane plantations of Puerto Rico and the fruitful introductions into Hawaii and the Philippines, a strong push was made for the cane toad to also be released in Australia to get rid of the pests that were ravaging the cane to the cane fields. All right, so basically there was this toad that they had introduced to other countries to get rid of some beetles and stuff like that and they thought fuck it, that went well, let's do it in Australia. So as a result, 102 toads were collected from Hawaii and they were brought to Australia. In Queensland, which is the state that I live in in Australia, the scientists released the toad into the cane fields in August 1935. However, the cane toad was completely unsuccessful in reducing the gray cane beetles that it was meant to get rid of. Cane toads have since, so it didn't even work. Cane toads have, and you could say the same about COVID and all of that, but that's a separate discussion. Cain toads have since spread throughout the entire country and have marked have a marked effect on the population of other flora and fauna. Some effects include the depletion of native species that die from eating the cane toads because they're poisonous. The poisoning of pets and humans Yep, plenty of pets have died from them. Depletion of native fauna that are preyed on by these cane toads and reduced prey population for native Insectivores such as skinks. So basically and this is a really downplaying Like cane toads are considered the biggest pest that my country has ever and probably will ever face, unless we do something Silly like this again. Or I should say, the governments at the time do something silly like this again. So that's a really good example of an unintended consequence. It's like let's reduce, let's introduce this cane to to get rid of a problem. Holy shit, we made everything worse and there are Wikipedia articles dedicated to all of the different animals that have been introduced to lots of different countries and how it's just like completely fucking wrecked things and Nobody predicted that. They didn't print. Okay, people might have predicted it, but the people who implemented those things didn't predict it. They honestly thought like, yeah, we're doing a good thing and there's unintended Consequences. And, by the way, none of this is about saying those people are bad or stupid or they should have known. No, we're just talking about the actual consequences, the thing that happens. So those are three or four examples of some unintended consequences. And so, getting back to the original idea here of, like you know, when we get annoyed at other people not doing what we want you know that person talking in the movie cinema, or a woman rejecting us, or a boyfriend not doing what we want, you know housemate being messy how do we know that if they actually did do what we wanted, that we would actually be happy with that? Like, stop and think for a little bit and this might be a little hypothetical, that, you know, might be a little challenging to go into, because a lot of the time we say no, like objectively, it is true that my roommate shouldn't make the kitchen messy. But just go with me on this one, just to have a little bit of a play in an experiment with this idea Like what if there were unintended consequences that you couldn't have predicted? Like what if your life and their life ended up worse if they just blindly did whatever you thought you wanted them to do? And if you want to really explore this, you can kind of play around a little bit and go okay, can I just like play a hypothetical out here? What a five. Can I come up with five reasons Like five Unintended consequences that might happen and you don't know that they'll happen. But like are there five things that might happen that that I wouldn't want if they just blindly did whatever I wanted? So you know, pick the example of like I want this woman to go out with me. You know I hit on her, I was nice to her. Like I put an effort into myself of improvement of my appearance, like I wanted her to just say yes to me. Can you come up with five reasons why it would actually be a bad thing if she said yes to you? And Like you might have to come up with some hypotheticals. Like you might have to invent some things, get creative with this. This is just a fun little game that we're playing. But you know, one of them might be. Well, what if, like she's a really bad match for me and that's why she said no? You know what if she picked up on something in my personality? Or she knows something about herself and she just predicted that we probably wouldn't be a good match? And what if she was correct on that? And so what if she goes out with me and I have a really bad time, and she does too. Like what if she literally just saved me from having a bad experience with her and then I don't think there's any bad Experiences in this life like it's all a learning experience, experience and all of that. But whatever, stick with me on this. You know what if you were gonna have this day that was just miserable and not great? You know what if some other unintended consequence came out? What if? Okay, what about this? What if she said yes to you but, and so you then went home, you texted her, you went out on a date with her, you had like a decent time. But what if the very next woman that you would have hit on Would have been just the most amazing human being that you would ever meet in your entire life and you missed out on that woman Because this woman here said yes to you and so you went home and didn't bother continuing talking to women for that day. Like what if you missed out on something even better? That might happen. How the fuck could you know? And that's the point when we sit there and say this person should put the dishes away or this, you know, waiter should be quicker. What if there was an unintended consequence that could happen. That would happen if they did do exactly what you wanted. Or what if there was a consequence or something beautiful that you missed out on because they did exactly what you wanted to? You can't possibly know. And yet we sit there and we act as if we do know. We act as if we have all the pieces of the puzzle. We literally act as if we're like God or something, as if we're like completely Like we completely know everything that's going to happen in the universe and all of the different timelines and how it's all going to play out. No, life is so, I won't say random. It feels random to us, but life is just this long series of like cause and effect and you can't possibly know all of the variables that are in play at any one point in time. You just don't. We're not familiar Sorry, we're not aware of everything that everyone is doing and everything that everyone is thinking and how it's all going to play out. And, like I said, we sit there and we act as if we do know. We act as if we do know this person should shut up in the cinema. We act as if we do know and even as I'm saying this podcast. I'm sure you know there's a part of your ego that jumps up and go no, andy, it is bad that they shouldn't talk in the cinema. What if them talking in the cinema Allows you to feel so frustrated with them talking in the cinema that you go up to them afterwards and you yell at them and you say Fucking, shut your mouth, you fucking asshole. It's like why are you talking in the cinema? And then, let's say, one of them says I'm really sorry, it's just that like I haven't caught up with my friend here for the last like 10 years and like I know it was rude of us to talk. I'm sorry, that was really rude. I'm just really excited to see them again. I'm sorry about that. And then what if you calm down a little bit and you go oh fuck, no, that's really nice that. No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. And then what if you become best fucking friends with those people? Like, literally, what if you become best friends with them from now? And that might seem like a stretch, but think about how you've made friends with almost everyone that you've been friends with a lot of the time, most of the time, it feels completely fucking random, like serendipity. Think about the people that you get into relationships with or some of the jobs that you might get, like a lot of this shit is just so random, arbitrary, random chance, and so them talking in the cinema might be the best thing that ever happens to you in your entire life. When I look back at all of the things that have happened in my life me going to prison, that was the best bloody thing that ever happened. Are you kidding me? That was amazing. That was six months of me just going. Holy shit. I got some karma to make up for Right. I want to make up for my karma. I want to do some good in the world. That's why this website exists. It's why this podcast exists. It's why everything that I've built is here is because I went to prison. But I could literally sit there and be like they shouldn't sentence me to prison. You know I did something bad, yes, but I have a tone for it. I've already made up for it over the last year since I was first, you know, arrested like they shouldn't send me to prison. It's like how do I fucking know, how do I know that prison isn't the best thing for me, I can't possibly know. And again, when we sit there and we argue with reality or wish that other people would do what we want, we just don't have all of the information, we don't have all of the pieces of the puzzle, we really don't, and yet we act like we do. And so you can use this line of thinking, this little mental exercise, this fun game that we're playing here of like you know what could happen, what positive thing could happen if they didn't do what I wanted. Here's another one that you can think about. You can think and I do this a lot Whenever I'm feeling myself get frustrated or annoyed at somebody or what they're doing, I say to myself this is a really good opportunity for me to practice my stoicism. This is a great opportunity for me to practice my peace and just being kind to others and letting other people do what they want. This is a really good chance for me to practice meditating. Let me just do some deep breathing right now. Hey, you know what? I'm actually glad that they're doing the behavior that they're doing right now, because they're giving me a really good chance to like, literally practice being peaceful and the way that you become a more peaceful human being or a more stoic human being is by practicing it. It is a practice that you put in daily or as often as you possibly can, ideally like fucking a thousand times a day if you can. And so you know what this person is actually my teacher, like they're literally teaching me to be more peaceful and you can get to a point, and I've done this before. I did this with one of my friends. One of the things that used to drive me mad was like people eating loudly. That used to drive me insane. Like the noises that people make with their mouth when they're eating used to drive me fucking mental. And one of my friends was like I swear to God, he was like making out with this steak one time. My friend is a carnivore and actually I have a few friends who are carnivores, which means they eat only meat, or mostly, almost entirely meat and he was, I swear to God, making out with this fucking pork chop or this steak or whatever. It was Like literally making out with it and like slurping on it. And I'm not going to make the sounds in the microphone right now because I don't like ASMR and I'm sure a lot of you will feel the same and you'll probably die inside if I start making the sounds that he was making. But it literally sounded like he was, because he was trying to suck the juice out and trying to suck the marrow out of the bone and it was like slurping sounds and it literally sounded like he was making out with it. And because he's a carnivore, he eats a lot of meat. So he did this like six times, with like six steaks or pork chops in a row, and it went on for like 20 minutes and, oh my God, was that a test of my patience and I wanted to just yell at him and be like dude, shut the fuck up, what are you doing? You psychopaths, stop making up with that steak. But I thought to myself. I was like no, what if, like, I actually want him to make this sound? Can I come up with five reasons why I want him to do this? The very first one that came to my mind was like okay, well, this is a very good practice of my stoicism. You know I'm over here, captain, like stoicism, doing all these podcasts and YouTube videos and articles, saying like hey guys, let's be more loving and peaceful, let's let's try and be kind to each other. Let's be more stoic, let's take responsibility for things and not get annoyed at the external world. You know, I want to be the man that practices what he preaches. There's no point me saying on YouTube videos and podcasts like, hey, let's be stoic. And if I then can't even just do it myself and not that you need to be perfect, but like you know what I mean. And so I thought, okay, there's reason number one I'm freaking grateful that he's making out with this steak. And, oh my God, guys and girls, he literally was like making out with this steak. I swear to God, like it was like a romance or something with this steak. And that was the first reason. This is a really good test, almost, or an opportunity for practice for my stoicism. And so I'm now looking at my friend going like bro, thank. Like I'm literally thinking bro, thank you, like fucking thank you for testing me Like I'm captain stoicism, apparently, but like now I actually get to show that I am, I get to show myself. The second thing I thought was like no, I want my fucking friends to be happy. Literally, that's one of the things that is most important to me as a human being like me, andy. So one of the things I hold dear is I want my friends, I want most people, I want everyone. But not everyone wants to be happy, but I want as many people around me as possible to be as happy as they possibly can and I want to do everything I can to facilitate that. And so me sitting here and being happy and grateful towards my friend and loving my friend Well, that would be being a nice friend. He's enjoying this damn steak, so much so that he's like literally making love to it now with his mouth, like that's beautiful, I like that. And so I went through these five. You know, I think I came up with five or so, but even the first two were more than enough. But I came up with a couple more reasons. And then I'm just looking at my friend and once I made sure I waited till he finished Actually, no, it's not true. Halfway through him eating, I was like bro, I'm really grateful for you, and he's like I'm grateful for you too, man. And then he went back to like making out with the fucking steak, but at the end of it, you know, once he'd cleaned up and finished, and you know, I made sure he had time to actually enjoy himself. At the end of it I was like dude, I want to tell you what just happened, man. And like we talked about it, he's like bro, that sounds really like a spiritual journey. You just went on. That's incredible, man. And I was like, fuck you, man, that was like some wild shit. Yeah, I went from like he shouldn't be eating the steak like that to like no, you know what. I actually want him to eat the steak like that. I want him to be noisier if that's what he wants to do, because that's what he wants to do. And I want him to be happy. And he's giving me a beautiful opportunity to show myself that I don't always get what I want. And in fact, no, that's not true, I do get what I want, because what I want is for everybody to get what they fucking want, for everybody to be happy and get along and do the things that make them happy. And obviously, if somebody steps over something, that's a real firm boundary for you. Hey, that's okay. You can just say, hey, listen, I have this boundary. I'm really not okay with that. You know, I'm either going to leave or I'm going to ask you to stop, or I'm going to do something about her, you know whatever, but in this situation it's not a hardcore boundary, but yet my brain was telling me that it was a boundary. At the start I was like he shouldn't be eating the steak like that. He's hurting me, he's making me feel disgusted. He's doing this to me. And how many times do we tell that story? Right, like you walk up to someone, you're like, hey, you're cute, do you want to go on a date with me? And they say, oh, that's so sweet. No, thank you, I have a boyfriend, thank you. And then you're like how can she do this to me? She's rejecting me. It's like she didn't do anything. She stated a preference, she did something for her, she stated what she wanted. How is that not a loving act for herself? Literally like holding firm on her boundaries. That's an act of self love. That's beautiful, that's her building. Her self esteem has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. And yet we tell these stories of this person is doing it to me. Why are people doing this to me? My boss is a dick to me? No, they're not. And so you can use this thinking to help. Just like free yourself just a little bit. You don't have to like completely free yourself, but you can kind of like free yourself a little bit from that voice inside you that wants to control other people. Or maybe you're even acting that out and you find yourself controlling other people, telling them what they should do. I've been very controlling in the past. I'll be very clear on that. In the first couple of years of my relationship with Imogen Because she was so submissive and she sought me out as an older man who's more dominant I was very controlling and I didn't intend to be and it was what? No, that's not true. I did intend to be because that's what she wanted at the start. She wanted me to be controlling, and there was a big part of me that wanted to as well, because if she just did everything I said and was a good girl, then the relationship would be nice and smooth and perfect, right. And so for the first couple of years, yeah, and that was kind of our dynamic it was like you're a good girl and you just do what I want, and then I pat you on the head like a good little doggy and I'm exaggerating to some extent here. But one of the things that I really really, really wanted for her was for her to be able to say no when she didn't want to do something. And that was something she really struggled with because her entire life she's just done what she's told. She comes from Asian. Her father's side of the family they're Chinese and so she's half Chinese and she's used to just shutting the fuck up and doing what she's told. You know, she was even going to university even though she had no interest in university and she was studying engineering even though she fucking hated it and thought it was the most nerdy, boring shit that she could ever possibly partake in. But she did it because I have to just shut up and do what I'm told. And so one of the things I wanted for her was firmer boundaries and I helped her with that a lot. You know she did counseling. I mentored her a ton. I gave her like 20 different books on this, we got her a couple of coaches and you know all that sort of stuff and we slowly worked on it and we literally role played her saying no. That was a big thing that we did Like literally, because she really struggled to say no. We role played. I was like, okay, do you want a glass of water and you have to say no to me. You don't have to be like, let's, let's role play. You saying no to me and she was like no. And then we just like practice that like five or 10 times a day, like we literally practice her building her assertiveness and her boundaries. And along with that was I had to let go of some of my controlling behaviors, because we'd formed the first two years of our relationship with me telling her what to do all the time, because that's what she wanted at the start and that's what she thought she wanted for her entire life. But it wasn't what she really wanted. When I actually asked her, you know, even in the early days, what do you want? She's like I don't know. Sometimes I have these dreams of like just being able to say what I want. But that's too scary and I could never do that and I was like so do you actually like being controlled? Do you like other people telling you what to do? She's like sometimes yes, because it means I don't have to think, but like lots of the time, no, I don't. I feel weak, I wish I could. Just I don't know. I wish I could have a balance, and so it's been like a five and a half year project and these days, like you guys and girls have seen her on camera and if you're not familiar, I have a YouTube channel with tons more content. Imogen is on there a ton, I know. Imogen, you know, basically never comes on this podcast, on Spotify or wherever you're listening to this to, but on my YouTube channel she's on there quite often. If you watch the video she's so unbelievably confident and assertive now, like she really is, she has very little trouble saying what she wants. But that was a big process that I went through. I let go of my controlling behaviors. So I know we went off on a little side tangent there, but you know I had to go through this process too. So it's okay if you have controlling behaviors. It's okay if you often wish other people would do what you want. It's okay if sometimes you throw a fucking tantrum because someone doesn't want to date you or your boss just says like hey, you know, would you mind staying late today? And you throw a fucking tantrum or somebody slightly cuts in front of you in traffic and you act as if they're like the next Hitler or something, or somebody has a slightly different political opinion than you Like. That's okay. It's okay. I was there too, I still am there, sometimes too, and the mission isn't perfection, it's progress. We're just trying to be a little bit more free, a little bit less controlling, a little bit more peaceful, a little bit more, I guess, libertarian. And libertarian basically just means let everybody else do whatever they want, as long as nobody's getting hurt, and so you can use these little tricks and techniques that I give and I'll be giving plenty more over the next however long I do this for, probably the next like 50 years until I die. But you know, we can work towards not pressuring other people to do stuff that they're not super comfortable doing. You know you ask yourself that question how do I actually know that it would be a good thing if they just did whatever I wanted them to do? Sorry, it kind of gets boring. That's another thing I wanted to say. Like I've dated quite a few people in the past that were just super submissive. You know, I'm someone that's like very dominant, although these days are more like a I'm like a hippie dominant. I Ask the person nonstop not nonstop, but I asked him plenty of times like, do you want me to dominate you what? What do you want me to do? Like Set the rules and all of that, and then I dominate under those conditions. So I'm like a very like hippie libertarian, loving Dom. But in the past I dated quite a few people that were very submissive and would just do like whatever the hell I wanted. Like they had zero boundaries, like litter. I could do crazy wild shit to them and at first that seemed like the dream to me, because it's almost like I had this little play thing. I had a partner that would just do whatever I want and would never say no. And like how many of you men and women out there listening have thought the same thing? Like man, I would love my partner to just actually listen to me and do what I ask. And it starts out like that, which sounds nice enough, like I just want my partner to listen to me and do what I ask. How many women out there listening have gone through that shit? Which is I wish my man would just listen to me and do what I ask. Like I'm asking for simple things like can you put the trash out, can you mow the lawn? Like you know, I'm just asking for what I want. But then you know, if you play this out, like I said with this podcast today, if you play it out and they actually did everything you asked, all the time You'd lose respect for them and half the time you have unintended consequences and you wouldn't actually want them to do everything that they wanted, that you wanted so, and so in these relationships that I had with these very submissive women, I just found that, like after a few months I kind of lost a ton of respect for them because they just do like anything I wanted, and it's almost like I test the limits of that and be like okay, well, surely she won't just do this if I tell her to, and it's like they would. And then I would say did you even enjoy that? Maybe? Like, well, you know you asked me to, so I guess I had to and I was like but do you even have your own personality? Like, do you even have your own boundaries? Is there even anybody there inside your head? Like, do you have your own goals or missions or wants or desires or preferences? Like, without that ever being a no, if you just say yes to like literally everything, and everything seems to, and it's not just saying yes to everything, because I try and say yes to lots of things. But if you say yes to like everything and everything you're saying yes to like, there doesn't seem to be a difference in what you're saying yes to. It's not like. Sometimes you're like yes, and then other times you're like, oh my god, fuck, yes, like. All your yeses just sound the same. They just sound like people pleasing, like it sounds, it seems like, or it feels like you're just existing Literally to do whatever the hell I want, and that gets boring. That's the main reason, or one of the main reasons why you know there's that meme that women don't like nice guys. Women do like nice guys, but they don't like Nice guys. And when I say nice guys, we mean the kind of guy that would just go along with anything and do whatever, and he doesn't have his own personality. This is a big reason why Women don't like nice guys. Again, they like guys who are nice, but they don't like nice guys. I hope that's clear there. And most men don't like nice girls either. They like them at the start, but after a while you get bored of it because it's like the person has no personality. It's like they're just gonna do whatever the fuck you want, and you're never gonna know if they actually want to do something or they're just doing it because they think you want to do it and they're worried that you're gonna leave. If they don't do it, if they don't go along with it, the scared off at this person will leave me and they won't like me. That is the biggest reason why women don't like nice guys because there's no fucking personality there. The lights are on but nobody's home. How the hell can she ever know that you're actually doing something you want to do because you would just do anything. And so then she's worried that like well, first of all, that's not sexy, it's boring. But then, second of all, what if I ask him to do something? Or what if he even just thinks I want him to do something and he voluntarily does it first, before I even asked? But what if it's something that I really didn't want him to do? And what if it's something that hurts him? What if he hurts himself? For me, I don't want that, and that's exactly what I had in the relationships with these women that would just do whatever I wanted. Some of them did get hurt. Imaging was like that at the start. There's a few things that Imogen did, that she didn't want to, but she did them anyway and she really hurt herself and it took years for her to get through that and to counsel, like go to counselors and therapy and work through that shit, because it's like I really wasn't okay with this but I just thought that I had to do it because, like I don't know, I just thought I had to do it. And so you actually don't want your partner to do everything that you want them to do, because some of those things might hurt them. The same thing with other people, you know, like I said before, in the example of the movie, let's say, two people are talking behind you. You yell at them shut the fuck up. And then afterwards you find out that they, you know, have only haven't seen each other for 10 years, or what if it's a more extreme example than that? What if you turn around and say to them shut the fuck up? And then afterwards you know, you talk to them outside the cinema and they're like I'm really sorry, like I only have one week to live and I thought I wanted to go and watch a movie with my friend and then halfway through the movie I realized like I'm kind of half enjoying the movie but I'd rather just talk to you and I know it was rude of me to talk to my friend but like in the cinema, but I'm gonna die in a week. Man, you're gonna feel like fucking asshole and you can be that holy shit. Oh my god, I wish I'd shut my mouth. Oh my fuck, I wish you guys had to. You know what? Fuck the movie. I'm pretty sure if you told everyone in the cinema, everyone would have been like holy shit, like you got a. Fuck this movie. Let's all I don't know go out for ice cream together and just talk and be best friends and fucking. You guys can talk to each other as much as you god damn want. You're dying in a week, like. You know what I mean. And so often we don't want the other people to do what we want, we just think we do. So yeah, all of this stuff has sort of helped me a hell of a lot. Whenever I find myself annoyed at other people are wishing they would behave a little differently, I just sort of sit back and ask myself do I even know what would be good for me? Do I even know what would be good for them. What if, right now, what they're doing is perfect for me? Like, what if this is literally what they're supposed to be doing? In other words, I stop arguing with reality. I stopped thinking that I know better than the universe, or, if you're religious, I know better than God, you know. I stop thinking that I know how things should be run and I just relax and let things be as they are by run. Katie, who's one of my favorite authors, has this really good quote that she says and she says that to people a lot because she does like, essentially like therapy, with people counseling therapy and a lot of the time when they're sitting there saying, you know, my partner should listen to me more. You know, this person shouldn't cut me off in traffic. They're sitting there arguing with reality and she would just interject. She'll let them talk and then she'll say, well, who needs God when we have your opinion? And every single time the person will crack the fuck up, and I love that line so much because we do. We literally sit there and go do you know what God? If you're not religious, do you know what universe? You're doing a bad job. Like you're doing a bad job. I literally could do a better job. How could you do a better job? You don't have a bird's eye view of all the variables. You don't know everything that's going on. You don't know how your like. One little thing you do here will have a ripple effect or be like a domino. You know effect Like ripples on a pond. You don't know how that will affect some other decision on the other side of the world. And so you will get in there and you will intervene. And again, this is what governments do. This is what it's kind of the purpose of government, isn't it? And governments are doing their best to be clear, but they're getting in there and trying to just change things and they don't. They can't possibly know how that will affect something. And again, they're doing the best job that they possibly can. But if we sit there and say, hey, let me be a little fucking dictator, a little Totalitarian, who's gonna say how things should be? Like a moving around porn pieces on the chessboard or something it's like? You don't have any idea what effect that is gonna have. And so I like to step back in, and this comes from Byron Katie as well. She says there's three types of business. You know when people say, like, mind your own business. You know, there's my business, there's your business, and then there's God's business, or the universe is business, and so if I'm worrying about your business or God's business, that's a really good sign that I need to take a step back, or step back into myself and come back home to myself and say, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me just handle my business, let me mind my own business. I'm sitting there saying how you should live your life. I don't know what your life is like. How do I know if you doing that thing that I said you should do? What if that would hurt you? What if you're, like, on the brink of suicide or something and me telling you, like you really should be more clean in the kitchen, you're being a bad person for not cleaning the dishes. What if that sends you over the edge and you fucking kill yourself that day? I'm not saying that we should walk around like terrified that someone's gonna kill themselves from one decision that we set, one thing that we said. Obviously, that wouldn't be your fault, obviously, but like you know what I mean, how do we know that it's best for that person? I don't. The only thing that I know Is what is best for me, and so let me just manage that. Let me focus on myself, and that's why I focus so much on stoicism, which is really just you concentrating on yourself and Living the best life you can and changing the things that you can change in yourself or in your circumstances, but not worrying about what the external world is doing. You know, if it's other people, that's their business. If it's society at large, that's society's business. And yes, there are things you can do to influence society, of course. But like if you're sitting there stressing about and saying society should be different, it's like no, if you think society should be different, you change something in yourself and your own life starts more. Start, humble, start with what you can control, rather than saying other people should change, other people should do this. Start with yourself and what you can change. Me coming back home to that realization has helped me so much. You know I can't control other people. People are gonna do what people are gonna do. All I can do is focus on my actions, my thoughts, the energy that I'm putting out into the world, whether that's a kind energy, loving energy, or if I'm having a day where I'm feeling a little grumpy and I'm not being nice to people. I'll clean that up first. Let me clean that up first. You know, if I'm not happy with someone else, I can take a deep breath and calm down. If I have a problem with someone else, if I think I have a problem with someone else, no, no, that's when I know, okay, there's some thinking to be doing here, there's some stoicism. This supposed problem that I have with someone else is a really good opportunity for me to practice my stoicism, or practice my patients, or practice my boundaries. Sometimes you might have a grievance or a problem with somebody else and yet you genuinely don't want to just sit there and let them keep doing that thing. So then, practice your boundaries, say, hey, listen, I'm gonna leave. You know, keep doing your thing, do whatever you want. I'm not telling you what to do, but I am going to change my circumstances by leaving. Or I am going to change my circumstances by asking you if you would mind not doing that thing anymore. And if you agree and you say, sure, I'd love to not do this thing anymore, then great, hey, we solve that problem together. Or if you say, well, actually, I am gonna keep doing this thing. Beautiful, I tried, I did my best to try and maybe you could try again or you could go try with someone else so you could leave. There's a million different options. You know not pass it when I stuck, but when and that's kind of a big point when you sit there and try and control other people, you feel stuck, you feel passive because, at the heart of it, you can't control other people. You can influence them, you can persuade them, you can sometimes intimidate them, you can sometimes deceive them and lie to them and manipulate them, but you can't 100% control them. You're not in control of the outcome, not 100% and people have tried throughout human history to force their will and impart their will on other people, and it often just doesn't work. Sometimes it works temporarily, but you can't control everybody. You can control some people, but not everybody, and so sooner or later you're going to meet the person that you can't control, and there's lots of those people. Lots of those people. If someone really doesn't want to do something, they just want, although, do it, but they'll half ass it or they'll sabotage it behind your back or they'll leave as soon as they possibly are able to. It's not a great winning strategy, which is why people like psychopaths and sociopaths, who literally live their lives like not their entire life, but like a big MO for them, is manipulating other people. They do it with tact, they do it carefully, they build alliances, they build allegiances, they build friends. They can be some of the most loving, kind people. Because that's a good fucking strategy. It literally works better than trying to just be an asshole who steamrolls over the top of everybody. It's why you don't know who's a psychopath. There's a really good book called the sociopath next door and it talks about the fact that like there's probably a sociopath living on your street, probably several. You would never know because there's some of the nicest kind as people. Because that is a really good strategy. Just not controlling other people actually gets you what you want more effectively than if you walk around trying to just impart your will on people. Feel the domineering asshole. People will run away from that. They don't like that. But if you're just the kind, amicable, easy to get along person who asked for what they want and I'll be very clear you have boundaries, you have desires you can be very assertive. I'm very assertive, I very clearly ask for what I want. But then if you say no, hey, that's beautiful, or maybe I'll try again in a different way, that's good to. But if you ultimately decide to say no, and it's a very firm no, even if it's not a firm no, cool, great, awesome, goodbye, I'll go and find someone else. So, realizing that, focusing on your own actions or leaving or associating with different people instead of the person that you're trying to control, or, you know, embracing stoicism and seeing any of these challenging situations as an opportunity to practice your stoicism, or just sometimes even relaxing and looking at the person and going, hey, what are five things I can be grateful for? This person or this situation? You know these people talking in the cinema was five reasons I can be grateful for this. You don't have to do that. Like, none of this is me telling you what you have to do, but I have just found in my life when I let people do what they want and, to be clear, that doesn't mean that they do whatever they want to me I have boundaries. I'm probably one of the most stubborn, strongest boundary people that you will ever meet. And another really good example of this is Byron Katie, who, if you read all her books and watch her interviews, she's got countless interviews and therapy sessions with people on YouTube and she has her own Spotify podcast that she does every couple of days. She is one of the sweetest, most loving, most non controlling people in the entire world that I have ever ever heard. She's so unbelievably hippie and libertarian and loving and all of that, and yet she has a set of maybe the most firm boundaries that I have ever known in my entire life. She is just a woman of integrity. You are never going to get her to do something that she doesn't want to do, and those two things go together. And I think often there's this idea that you can't be a hippie, loving, libertarian, nice guy. You can't be a nice person. You know and have firm boundaries. It's one or the other. That's what most people think. You know. They think if you're a nice guy, that's weakness. When I say nice guy, I mean like, if you're a nice person, if you're just kind, if you're a kind guy or a kind woman, most people see that as or some people worry that that might become weakness and they're like I can't do that. Like what? If it's weakness, it's like. No, weakness would be letting people do whatever they want to you when you don't want to go along with it. That would be weakness. And so you can be the most loving, kind, gentle, generous, hippy, libertarian, free spirited human being on the planet and then have some of the most firm boundaries. I am that person, right? I try to be that person. I try to be as loving and kind and open minded and non judgmental as I possibly can with all of you, with my clients, with my girlfriend, with my family, with women that you know image and I sleep with, together and date. I try and be just this loving energy that you can come to and feel safe. And yet if you ask me to do something I don't want to do, I'm gonna say, hey, I love that you asked me that. That's awesome, but no, thank you. You are never gonna get me to do something I didn't I don't want to do. In 2020 up until 2022 was a really good example of that. I risked fines. I got abused countless times. I can't tell you how many times I got abused. People wanted to get in fights with me. I got countless like hate messages and people telling me that I deserve to die and all of this kind of stuff people saying that to my face Because I wasn't okay with being forced to take a vaccine or being forced to wear a mask I never wear a mask for all of that shit and I was the most stubborn person on that that you could ever imagine. We had the police arrest us at one point, like I just. But I was just like, hey look, I understand, but I'm not gonna do this thing, like no. And probably the funniest example of that is we were leaving the state that we were in because the state just became like literally like a dystopian hell hole, at least from my perspective. You literally had to have permission papers, like you had to carry around papers with you saying that you were allowed to be outside. We were only allowed to go outside for one hour a day. You were only allowed to see one friend a week and you had to nominate that friend. There was literally a website where you had to nominate which friend or family member you were gonna see and you were not allowed to see any other family members except for that person For like months at a time, and you're only allowed to go outside for one hour and you have to wear a mask the entire time, even while you're exercising, and you have to carry around permission slips like pieces of paper. This is literally what happened in hitlers, nazi Germany. You literally, as a Jew, had to have permission slips that said you were allowed to be outside, and so we left that state. I wasn't really gonna be having any of that stuff we left. Part of the process of leaving was obviously going to the airport and everybody was wearing a mask obviously, and I wasn't, and that was a very uncomfortable experience, let's just say like that. And we're on the plane and I've told by this point, like countless people in an image, and told countless people you know, yep, no masks. Like here's the reason, his all the paperwork, we've researched all the shit to say that we're legally allowed to do this. You know we weren't breaking any laws and fuck the laws of that point anyway. But you know laws don't equal morality. I've never been a half brain that thinks that that was very judgmental of me, wasn't it? I've never thought that laws equal morality or ethics anyway Surround the plane and we're about to leave but they wouldn't take off and they kept asking me questions of like where's your mask? And I was like I have an exemption. Here's the paperwork, is the law that says I'm allowed to have this exemption, blah, blah, blah. And we just sitting on the time at flight 1520 minutes and eventually one of the flight attendants and they were all very sweet, I'll be very clear, they were very nice, they were very nice and they asked several times like well, are you sure? Like are you sure you can you not just put a mask on? And I was like no, I'm not going to. Like I was nice to, but I was like you know, no, we're not going to be putting this mask on, it's not going to happen. And eventually they said we're just confused with what to do because nobody has ever left this airport. And this was, like you know, six months into all the lockdowns and shit, nobody has left this airport without a mask. And this was a city of five and a half million people. And I was like wait, you're kidding me, you're telling me that no one's ever had an exemption Like medical exemption, a mental health exemption which was what mine was, you know, a religious exempt. Like no one's, not a single passenger on any airline in this entire airport. This is an international airport with, like you know, like 50, a hundred, I don't know how many flights, 200 flights leaving a day, a big airport, five and a half million people. Nobody's ever had an exemption and they're like no, you're the first, so would you mind, just like? I'm so sorry to ask this, but is there any way you could just put the mask on? I'm holding up a plane at this point for like 25 minutes. I have what feels like the entire plane wanting me to just shut the fuck up and do what I'm told. But inside me there is a strong voice that says I'm not okay with this. This isn't okay. And if there was somebody else on this plane or somebody else in society that was not okay with something, I wouldn't just want them to do it, I wouldn't want to force them. I wouldn't want some woman in Saudi Arabia to just wear a burqa just because, like, shut the fuck up and do what you're told. I wouldn't want somebody's genitals to be mutilated as a baby just because, like, well, that's religious, that's what everybody else does, it's. It carries the same sort of logic as this. Imagine there was a group of men that were like hey, that woman over there is really hot. And they ask her out and do you want to have sex with all of us? And she says no, and they go. Well, there's 50 of us and you're making us very uncomfortable by not letting us have sex with you. We all want to have sex with you. You're actually like the minority right now. You should have sex with us and she just has to kind of go along with that and, I guess, get raped, because everybody else wants that experience and so it has that same sort of energy. That's why I fight for the little guy. That's why I've you know, since I was in high school I've talked about this on my YouTube channel I had a friend who was bullied to the point of suicide. He attempted suicide and everybody hated him and I was his only friend because I wasn't okay with one guy getting bullied. I just I wasn't okay with that and I've always been like that. Probably that experience was the formative reason why I have that and so, anyway, all of that context. So I was just very, you know, nice, but I was like no, I'm sorry, but I can't do that, like I wouldn't, I would love to, like I almost wish there was a part of me that could just do what I'm told, like all of you can, and I don't. Okay, at the time I did have animosity towards everybody else, but I don't anymore. I've evolved a lot in the years since then. But you know, I was like I'm sorry, I know I'm not going to be able to do that. So it was about another five minutes and then finally we're cleared for takeoff and they're like okay, we just took off and everything was fine. And it was fine and we moved to this city and basically half the people here don't wear any fucking masks and I was like so what was all the bullshit there? And the city was like almost as big as well. So it wasn't even any logical reason, just people are less scared in this city. And so I was like, well, all that fucking who, half or nothing. But that's a really good example of my stubbornness. It's not even stubbornness. I laugh as if it's stubbornness. No, it's integrity. It's a little voice inside of me that says, no, I'm not okay with doing something just because it makes you more comfortable or it makes you less scared, if I really am not okay with it, in the same way that I wouldn't want to manipulate you and make you do something you didn't want to do just so that I could be a little more comfortable or so I could feel a little more safe, or even if I thought it would protect my life a little bit more. That isn't worth it for me. It just isn't. And so that's why my podcast and everything I do you will hear me say all the time. I even said it in this podcast. If you go back in about five or 10 minutes, you'll hear me say it I'm not telling you what to do. I never tell you what to do. I did okay, to be very clear, I did in the start of my blog. I used words like should, and I was very persuasive and all of that. But I haven't done that for years because I don't like the idea of forcing other people to do what I want. I'm not always perfect with that and I wouldn't expect any of you to be perfect with that, but I just find myself. I like myself a lot more when I let people be whoever they wanna be Again, as long as they're not like literally punching me in the face or something. But if they are, I can leave. And all of this comes towards a realization of that I've had over the last I don't know five years. I can't stop people from being themselves, and even if I could what I really want to I would do that. I would do that If this podcast has resonated with you and you would like more help with any of your goals or any of this stuff. Like I said, you have four days left to sign up for my coaching deal, where you get 18 weeks instead of the usual 12 if you pay in full, again only in the next four days. Link is in the description below. We would love to have you in the group, whatever your goals might be male, female, sex and relationships, money, dating, friendship, business, whatever it might be losing weight, peace and love and happiness, whatever your goals are, whoever you are, it's a very welcoming group. We would love to have you. Click that link in the description below if you're interested. As always, ladies and gentlemen, go out there and crush those goals, and I hope this podcast helped. I really do. This is a topic that I'm very passionate about. I love the idea of everybody loving each other and obviously that's a beautiful idea to work towards and we don't have to be perfect with that. I'm not, but I just find that I am so much happier when people do what they want instead of what I think I want them to do.

Wanting Control
Consequences of Socialism and Government Interventions
Gratitude and Purpose in Challenging Situations
Letting Go, Embracing Freedom
Understanding Personal Control and Stoicism
Boundaries and Personal Integrity
Embracing Individuality and Promoting Self-Expression