Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Why You're STUCK - The Juice (Payoff) is Stopping You from Growing (It's Serving a Purpose)

September 10, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Why You're STUCK - The Juice (Payoff) is Stopping You from Growing (It's Serving a Purpose)
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

The "excuses" and "limiting beliefs" you have are GETTING you something - they're SERVING A PURPOSE. That's why you hang on to them.
Here's what to do instead.

Also, today's the LAST DAY to grab my coaching deal - pay in full and get 18 weeks instead of the usual 12!


▬ Start Here! ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
😊 Here's EVERYTHING I learned going from depressed & suicidal to living a life of abundance & joy. It's all yours for only $1:

▬ COACHING ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
🏆 OUR COACHING PROGRAM (book a FREE call with Andy to discuss if you're a good fit for the program) -

🤵 $200 one-time call with Andy (limited to just 1 per person):

▬ YouTube ▬▬▬▬▬
▶️ My YouTube (with additional content not released on here):

Speaker 1:

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, today is the last day absolute last day to grab my coaching deal that we have on at the moment. So if you sign up and pay in full, you will get 18 weeks instead of the usual 12. I will leave a link in the description below to that. So in life and with our goals, we often beat ourselves up for our emotions and we will say things like you know why the hell did I get so angry just then? Or maybe we're stuck in life and we'll say you know why the hell can't I talk to women? Or why can't I lose weight? Or why do I always drink too much on the weekends and why can I never say no to people? You know, we often feel a little bit stuck. Maybe we're trying to achieve a goal and we just feel like we can't. We're stuck where we currently are. Maybe we feel like we're in a rut. And there's this really good quote that I want to read from one of my favorite books. The book is called Letting Go by David Hawkins and I very much recommend this book, and the quote goes people often ask why can't I get beyond to this? I feel stuck. That stuckness is just because each of the levels that you're currently at, have a payoff related to ingrain attitudes which arise out of our animal nature, and if there were no payoffs, no one would stay there To evolve. You only need to know one thing what is holding you back is the juice, or the payoff and the satisfaction that you get from being where you currently are. As the common saying goes, let's juice it for all we can, but if you're willing to let go of the payoffs that the ego gets by being where it currently is, the barrier dissolves. And so, to sort of expand upon that and explain that a little bit, what is basically saying is we often are at a point and we feel completely stuck. You know, why can't I lose weight? Why can't I do this? Why can't I evolve past this point? It's because where you are right now, it's getting you something, it's giving you something, it's the juice. There is a payoff for you being where you are right now. You're not stuck where you are because you're stupid, or because you're a fuck up, or because you're bad or wrong, or you're a stupid person, or because you don't really want your goals. No, it's because where you currently are, you're getting something. And so a really good example of this is let's say we have somebody who is very overweight. Maybe some of you listening want to lose weight but you just feel like you can't. No matter what I try, I just can't lose weight. No, what the actual truth is is you are currently getting something from being overweight. Maybe it's a comfort to you and that might sound ironic, but being overweight can be a comfort because it's your label, it's your identity. There is some safety in that. It can be quite scary to throw away our labels or our identities and go in search of a new one. If you're from the person who loses weight, that may be scary. You might have to give up a lot of the things that you're currently getting. Right now you're also getting the ability to eat whatever the fuck you want. You might have to give that up, like there may be a price or a sacrifice that is paid and now you pay that so that you can get something even greater and even more wonderful. But where you are right now and the choices that you are making in life is because you're getting something out of those things. If you're a guy who wants to go and have an amazing sex life and maybe do some of the things that I've done. You know, have some threesomes, have an amazing girlfriend, all of that kind of stuff. Understand that where you are right now, there is a payoff to you not going outside and talking to women. Going outside and talking to women at the start can be scary. Putting yourself on Tinder can be scary, and so you're currently getting something by not doing those things. Where you are right now, the payoff is I don't have to get rejected, I don't have to go and put myself out there, I don't have to work on my appearance. I get to just come home and play my video games and look at porn and drink my alcohol and eat my food. That's comforting. So you're getting something right now. And if you look at everybody who seems to be stuck in life, in whatever goal or metric that you, you know, that they care about or that you want to analyze, they're where they are because it serves a purpose. Even the people that seem like they're in absolute misery Like here's one that comes up a lot There'll be a guy or a girl and maybe you have a friend like this I think lots of us do, and I used to be this person, by the way, who their dating life is just a mess, right, and they keep dating one person after another who's just maybe not good for them. And girls do this, guys do this, both genders do this, and so they just keep ending up with people who aren't a good match for them. And you might say why the fuck do you keep doing this to yourself? Like these people are objectively, on paper, so unbelievably obviously not a good match for you. Like they literally, these people will literally tell you immediate, they're honest. It's not like they're even lying to you. They literally, right from the beginning, will say look, I'm not a good match for you. Or maybe they say, maybe you're looking for a relationship and they say, nah, I don't want a relationship, I just only want sex. And so they're literally telling you that they're not going to be a good match for you, and yet you'll get with them anyway. And again, I used to be this person. I ended up with a lot of women that had a whole lot of drama and were sort of abusive and were at one point you know, one in particular had a lot of mental issues, and I kept getting with these women and you might say why the fuck are you doing this Like? This isn't benefiting you, but yes, it was benefiting me. And the only way that I broke out of the cycle of like why do I keep ending up with girls who want a good match for me? Was by sitting there and saying, fuck, why do I keep doing this Like? Why do I keep ending up with quote crazy girls? What am I like, like, why am I doing this? I'm not stupid. I'm not an irrational person. I'm very intelligent. There must be a reason I'm doing this, and I just went looking for the reason. I was like why am I like? Why am I doing this? And I spent about two weeks like analyzing the shit out of all of the past girls that I'd been with and like why there seemed to be a pattern of, you know, abuse or unhappiness or mental issues, you know, a complete lack of peace, and what I came to was like holy shit, the reason that I'm doing this is so then I can run to my friends and be like oh my God, guys, my, my life is so crazy. Oh my God, like there's so much drama in my life. I can't believe it. You know, why do I keep ending up with these crazy girls? Ah ha ha. And I was doing that so I could get one attention. Two validation. Three, sympathy you know people going oh my God, that's so. I'm so sorry, andy. Like, why do all these crazy girls keep ending up in your life, bro? Oh my God, that's awful. And four, I was chasing drama. It's like gossip and I didn't know that I was doing this. But when I looked back at the last couple of years and analyzed, it's like holy shit, I'm like a little kid who's just like, like a little high schooler who's like desperate for gossip. And I'm just running to my friends and being like, oh my God, you'll never believe this crazy girl that I stuck my penis in. Oh my God, like it was literally drama. And so when I was able to identify that those were the reasons why I kept inviting these particular type of people into my life, I was able to go okay, holy shit, first of all, do I want to keep getting those things? And the answer I came to was like no, I think I'm done with the drama, I don't think I need validation from my friends, I don't think I need sympathy from my friends. And then, second of all, I could say okay, even if I want validation, even if I want approval. Can I just get approval from different in different ways? Can I give that approval to myself, or can I ask my friends for can I get approval from them doing something that maybe doesn't hurt me? Like this is Like, could I maybe do something worthy of respect so they give me approval in that way? And so, in other words, you can kind of say why am I stuck where I am right now? Or why do I have these particular patterns of behavior that I keep repeating, even though I say I don't want to repeat them, but I just keep doing it. What is it getting me Like? What juice am I currently getting out of this? Like, imagine you're squeezing a lemon, you're trying to get all the juice out. Like, like, what is that fucking juice that I'm trying to squeeze out? And then you can say to yourself is, first of all, do I even want to keep getting this thing or can I let it go, which is what this book is for? So, again, the book is called Letting Go by David Hawkins. So can I let go of this or can I get this in a healthier way, a way that's a little more efficient, a way that's easier, like a more efficient strategy or tool that I could use instead. And you can apply this to literally everything. Let's say you're sitting there and you're just a very angry person, like, and you think, why do I have such anger management issues? You know I've worked with a few people with anger management issues one in particular in my coaching program and I've noticed that and I mean we do this with lots of things but I've noticed that people who have a very short fuse, like they get angry very quickly, they beat themselves up over it and, ironically, they get angry about the fact that they're angry. But we all do that kind of thing. But like they almost don't understand, they're like, what the fuck is wrong with me? Like, why do I keep getting angry? And I'll get them to go through this exercise that I'm talking about here, where I'll say no, the anger is getting you something. Like you're angry for a reason. You're not angry because you're stupid or you're a bad person, or you have a short fuse or something. Those are just the symptoms, but the anger is getting you something. Maybe the anger means that you take action. You know, anger is your way of taking action. Maybe your anger is a defense mechanism. If you just get angry and irrationally, it's not irrational, but if you just get like really emotional and angry, that kind of stops anyone from ever using you or walking over you. And maybe you were, you know, used as a kid or something in the way that you've defended. Against that in the future, like as an adult, is you become very angry, so now nobody can hurt you anymore because you angry is. Anger is a defense. So there's all these different tools or there's all these different things that the anger, or whatever it is that we're talking about, might be getting you, and it really is worth just sort of exploring that a little bit and saying what am I trying to get out of this? Like, what payoff is this giving me? What is the point of this? And this applies to everything, even when you're stuck, not being able to achieve a goal, like a really good one, a really obvious one. And I love the psychology of this and I've spent so many years delving into the psychology of this, because it's fascinating to me is people who are, you know, in cells. And when I use that word, that's a loaded word and I don't mean it in a loaded way, I mean it in quite literally the like, literal, autistic way of the person who is involuntarily celibate, but particularly the people that are part of what is known as the in-cell community. So it's almost like a label or an identity, right? And so they say I am an in-cell. I'm talking about those people in particular and you might say, like, why the hell would they call themselves an in-cell and why can't they get laid? And a lot of in-cells will say that same thing to themselves. You know, they want to get laid, they want to have a girlfriend, they want these things very badly, but they just don't seem to be able to make it happen. And they will project it out onto other people Because, like you know, that makes sense, we're talking about dating and other people do have some part in that. Like they can say yes to you or they can say no to you, and in-cells will, you know, sort of make. It's not a mistake, it makes sense why they do it. But they'll sort of say like, oh, it's just because women don't like me, women don't like some character trait I have, or my height or whatever. You know that and that seems like a logical answer, right? Maybe other people don't like me, but it almost is never that. It might be that to some extent, not everybody in the world is going to like you, but there are 4 billion people on the planet of the opposite gender to you. I do not believe 4 billion people don't like you. What is usually the case is that being an in-cell is getting you something and until you are ready to humble yourself enough to let go of that label, you may remain a virgin. You may remain a virgin and that might sound like a really strange, interesting statement, but remember at this point I've worked with God. I don't know like 30 or 40 people who are virgins, right, and I've helped them lose it. And it's usually an identity and an attachment to that identity. Like being an in-cell literally becomes who you are being a virgin, becomes who you are being the guy who just no woman will ever like becomes who you are and you literally wrap yourself up in that and there is protection in that. It means that you don't have to humble yourself enough to say, maybe I need to put in some work with self-improvement like a lot of work. Maybe I need to learn some social skills, of learning how to talk to people. Maybe I need to lose some weight. Maybe I need to let go of the fact that I haven't had sex up until this point and just be okay with that, and let go of all of the stories that I've told about that of like it's not fair and women mean to me and women don't give guys a chance and I'm a piece of shit and I'm a loser. Like you might have to let go of a lot of that and that can be painful, and so it's sort of a weird protection. You keep the label of in-cell. You keep the story of I can't lose my virginity and no woman would like me, because it's protective. It is protective and there's also comfort in being around other people who are going through the same thing, and so that's where in-cell communities come from. It's like a collective group to sort of protect each other and it's. I think that's a beautiful thing. I think maybe the next step is hey, we found this beautiful community of other people going through the same thing as us and we've made a safe place where we can all feel secure together. Okay, great, now it's time to fucking leave and actually take some action and I guess you can stay in the community. But like the next step is like taking some action. It's not staying in the community for the rest of your life or again staying in the community, but take some action. And so that's a really interesting psychological one, or psychological phenomenon where a lot of guys who are virgins are very attached to that label. And again, I've worked with like 30 guys that were virgins. Might be more than that, might be slightly less than that, but it's around that many and it would surprise a lot of you, I think, and any of you who are virgins right now listening. It might surprise a lot of you to sort of, if you could see how attached people are to the label of virgin, like very attached, to the point where that is the thing that I work on. It's not just like I'll go outside and talk to 10 women and have sex. For some guys it is that, sure, but for maybe like 75% of guys, maybe 80%, it's more like I'm going to have to get you to gently let go of that label of virgin and I have to sort of walk them through this process, like I'm talking about with this podcast, where I go what is virgin? The label of virgin, what is you calling yourself a virgin? What is that getting you right now, it's obviously getting you something or you wouldn't be doing it. You wouldn't be this stuck and attached to the idea of being a virgin, something you say you don't want, but you clearly there is a part of you that does want it, at least a little bit. Otherwise you wouldn't be so stuck on it. You would go and lose your virginity this month and every person that I've worked with that does eventually let go of their label of virginity. Yeah, they lose their virginity within a couple of weeks or days. It doesn't really take that long, it really doesn't. And so we're often, like, attached to this label because it's getting us something. You know, I've had so many of these labels. I've had the label of loser, which I gave myself that label, and I gave myself that label and hung on to it for so many years and it held me back a lot and it made my progress a lot slower. But it was through analyzing it and questioning it and inquiring into it and going inside myself and saying, why do I call myself a loser? Like I'm not doing that because I'm an asshole to myself. Like why do I think I'm a loser? And it's because it protected me. It meant that I didn't have to try. It meant that I could look at the people who were cool, who'd earned the right to be called cool. I could look at the people who had amazing bodies, who had built their amazing body in the gym through years and years and years of effort, or the people who had put in effort to get good at socializing, or the people who had put in effort to make a lot of money. I could look at them and say, yeah, they were just lucky, or they're rich because of blah, blah, blah, and I could make up a reason. And then it meant I didn't have to try and so it was protective. It actually protected me me calling myself a loser. It was very protective. It was like a cocoon that I wrapped myself up in so that I didn't have to go and practice socializing and risk rejection, so that I didn't have to go to the gym for years and years and years and put in all of this effort and, more to the point, like consistency in patience, so the word loser or the label loser, or being stuck and feeling like man I can't achieve anything. That was because it was getting me something. It was getting me a juice, right, there was a payoff, and so this whole podcast is me sort of saying to a lot of you, if you feel stuck in something or maybe you're making some progress in some area, but like you feel like man, it's just I don't know why, but like I seem to be going a lot slower than I know what I'm capable of Ask yourself, like, what am I currently getting by staying where I am right now, like, is it comfort? And a lot of the time it's just comfort and safety. It's like it's very comforting, you know, staying at home and not going outside and talking to women. It's very comforting being fat and being able to eat whatever food you want. That is incredibly comforting. It's very comforting being lazy and I don't usually use the word lazy, but if you've been calling yourself lazy, if you've been feeling lazy and you go fuck, why can't I do more? Why do I always just lay around in bed in the morning? Why can I never get enough done? Why do I never do the things I want to do? And I'm always just watching video games or playing video games or watching YouTube. Like, why do I procrastinate? God, that must be like the most common question people ask me why do I procrastinate? Well, you answer that question for me or for yourself. Why do you procrastinate? What is it getting you? It's obviously getting you something. Maybe it gets you comfort. Maybe it means that you get to avoid rejection. Maybe it means that you don't have to try. Maybe it means safety, because you can be like an identity. You can be the person who's lazy and you get to just protect yourself with that word I'm lazy, that identity, I'm lazy. So therefore I don't have to go out and try. I'm just a procrastinator. So therefore I can keep procrastinating and I get to avoid this thing that scares me. I'm just not, you know, I'm just not a fucking hardworking person. How many people wrap themselves up in an identity when it comes to things like I have ADHD? Do you know how many people have said to me, how many coaching clients have said I have ADHD? And my reply is always the same Cool, so do I. But whenever you ever heard me say that, because why the fuck would I wrap myself up in that identity? It's just limiting. Same with other things, like I've had several people say you know, I'm on the spectrum, I have autism and I'm like I probably do too. So what Like why is that a reason to not work on your goals or other things that people do? I'm short, so what Do you know? How many coaching clients have come onto my channel? You know Ed is like five foot six. I've had guys on there that actually I think Ed's five foot four. I've had guys on there that are five foot four. I've had a guy that was like five foot three. I've had plenty guys that are five foot six. Like what does it matter? Like what is your height matter? Or people say I'm not white, cool. How many people have come on my channel and they're not white and they've done all this crazy shit Like these are just sort of like an understand you're not stupid or wrong or bad. When you have these limiting beliefs, all these fears, all these excuses, they're getting you something. They're protective. Somebody saying I'm short and therefore I can't do what you've done and it's not fair. Like you're tall, you're white, it's easy for you. That's very protective, that that keeps you nice and safe. It means you don't have to go out and have a woman say, no, thank you, I'm not interested. It means that you don't have to face those lonely days and lonely nights that I had to face. It means you don't have to walk around Outside for four or five hours, like I have done hundreds of times, trying to talk to a woman but not being able to and then hating yourself and beating yourself up and feeling like a loser and all of that you know. It means that you don't have to put yourself out there and do the things that scare you, and so that's getting you something. And once you identify what it is getting you and again it's usually comfort or safety or something like that means you don't have to go and get rejected. You can then ask yourself the question okay, do I want to keep getting this payoff? Do I want to keep Limiting myself and keeping myself small just out of protection or just safety or something? And if you do want to, great. At least now you're doing it consciously and you can do it without guilt. You can choose to do it. But what happens a lot of the time is you say no, I think I want to give up that comfort, I think I'm ready to let go of that comfort a little bit. And again, this book really helps it's called letting go by David Hawkins and you can say, yeah, I'm ready to give this up. I think I want to face a little bit of possible rejection. I want to face some of those insecurities. I want to face my fears. Or you can say, no, I still want the comfort, but is there a way I can get it in a healthier way? Maybe? Like, let's say, you want comfort instead of me using food or YouTube or porn or whatever it is that you're trying to sort of give up? What if I get comfort from other people who will motivate me and push me with my goals? That could be a support group, that could be a bunch of friends, it could be accountability partners, it could be my fucking coaching program. But what if it could be my YouTube comments? You jump on there and everyone's really fucking nice and great, hey. But whatever it is that you're trying to get, can I find that in a healthier way? Can I get that validation from myself or from people that will push me and lift me up, rather than, you know, something that might be holding me back? So Figure out what it is that you want. You're not an irrational, stupid person who's just stuck for no reason because I'm lazy and I'm a piece of shit. You know You're not unable to have sex because you're a fucking loser and no one will ever talk to you and everyone hates you. Know it's usually not that it's usually coming from you and that's not to blame you or anything like that, but it's usually because currently, right now, you're getting something out of being stuck where you are right now. We don't get stuck because we're stupid or bad or lazy or not good enough or undeserving. We're stuck because it's serving a fucking purpose and so we're just saying do I want to keep Serving that purpose or do I want to use something else to serve that purpose, or do I want to give it up entirely? I hope this was helpful. As I said, today is the last day of the coaching deal that I have, so you get 18 weeks if you sign up and pay in full. I mentioned this many, many, many times. I'm currently on a big mission to pay off. I have a massive tax debt. It's about a hundred grand. Actually, it's down to about 90 grand now and I'm super excited to pay this off. I really want to get this fucking thing paid off, guys. So that's a big reason why I've been pushing the coaching with this deal and doing more content where I mentioned it and stuff and I have many times in the past I've had this conversation with the image and like a thousand times I have a sort of like a weird Hang up when it comes to like mentioning the coaching or like really going hard and talking about it a lot. I've often had this idea in my head where I'm like I want to be like the artist who never promotes his work and he just does it for the art and, you know, doesn't worry about making money and stuff like that. It's like, yes, I definitely do want that and I'm working towards that and I would get there at some point as I slowly build up passive income and things like that and outsource my coaching. Eventually I plan on doing that, but for now it's like money would help me pay the bills. So I have a weird sort of relationship with that stuff. I do feel weird when I mention coaching, but I try and do it in an organic way that's helpful for you guys and girls. I try and give value in every podcast, obviously like I'm trying to genuinely change your fucking life. And then at the end I'm like and by the way, if you'd like more of this, you can sign up for the coaching program. So I think I do a decent balance with that, but it definitely is something that I'm working on. Like I want to mention coaching more. I want to be more I don't know what you would call it more. Okay with mentioning it more, because I do just have like a general hang up. It's just like an discomfort and I've been doing this shit for like four years at this point, and so this is my. There's a period in my life where I'm like no, come on, like mention the coaching will run towards it. If it scares, you do it more. So, yeah, if you would like to sign up for the coaching, like I said, there's a link in the description 18 weeks. If you sign up, today is the last day. It's got to be now or fucking never Sign up. You don't have to pay right now, but, like, if you fill out the application form right now, when you pay in full, I will give you the 18 weeks. You can take a payment plan, but then you'll get the 12 weeks, just like normal. So if you want to 18 weeks, you got to pay in full and I'm super grateful to everyone that's already already signed up. I'm super grateful for all of you listening, even if you never sign up for the coaching. If you sign up for the coaching, I'll be extra grateful, obviously, and I will pour my heart and soul into changing your life. One thing my coaching clients definitely say is like holy shit, andy, you absolutely care about me and I really do, because it's like these people helped me pay my bills. So of course, I'm going to pour literally hours a day into coaching every single person. So If you would like to be a part of that, if you would like my undying love and gratitude and you like to feel what it's like to have these podcasts that I do, where I pour my heart and soul into them, but imagine what it would be like and what it would feel like and how helpful it would be to you and how would turbocharge your success if you got a podcast for you and I'm literally talking to you by name, because I do several of these a day for the people in the coaching program, like they might ask some question in the group and I'd be like let me record a 45 minute fucking answer to your short question. So if you want to feel what that's like if these videos or these podcasts are helpful to you and you want to know what the hell would it be like to have 18 weeks of him doing that for me every single day and everybody else changing my life and coaching me as well, and then I get to stay in the discord group for the rest of my life and work with all these people forever. We would love to have you in the coaching program. It's really hard for me to get this across, but like it's not hard, I think I do a decent job. But like I am yet to have someone sign up and not say holy fuck, this was like really amazing, like holy shit, and I wish that there was a way that I could just like snap my fingers and give you all like a little glimpse into it, because I think I know genuinely if you could see what the coaching was like and how it would change your life, you would go Jesus, fucking Christ, I need to get 10 grand together, no matter what. Like literally you would go out on the street and be like I need money. Hello, help someone, please give me money. I have to be in this fucking program. You would go to your bank and you'd be like I'm taking out a fucking bank. Like I don't give a fuck, like you have to give me money, you would rack it up on the credit card and I've had so many coaching clients do that and they're like holy shit, I'm so glad. And I always say, like you're saving 10 grand now, if you, you know, if you don't want to sign up for the coaching program, that's fine. But if you're thinking of signing up for the coaching program and you haven't, it's like where are your priorities at? You're basically saying let me save 10 grand instead of changing my fucking life. It's like that just to me seems wild priorities. And as someone who spent a lot of money on other coaching programs and other coaches and books and courses and all of that, every single time I'm like Jesus, fucking Christ, I'm so glad I paid this money, I am so fucking glad. So it's hard for me to get that across, but the program genuinely is. We have a good fucking program, like we really do. The people in there are fucking amazing. Cam is amazing, ed is amazing, taylor is amazing. Those are the other three coaches alongside me. Everybody in the program is amazing. It's just such a life changing beautiful tribe or community that we've built. I really want you all to be a part of it, like I. Really, there are times I wish I could just snap my fingers and give you all like a little insight into it, because I think if you could spend Half a day in there, you'd be like Jesus Christ. I need this, so I can't convince you anymore than that. If you haven't signed up at this point, what the fuck are you doing? Genuinely, genuinely, genuinely. We would change your life. As I've said a million times, the price is going up over time. The mission that I'm running towards is 20 grand For the coaching program and then we'll see. From now, probably put it up, you know, eventually it's absolutely worth every penny. It's worth more than that, and that is my Little coaching statement to you. So I love all of you very much. I hope this podcast was helpful. I hope my content in general is helpful. If you sign up for the coaching program, I would love you even more, but if not, I love you all the same, as always. Go out there and crush those goals. Thank you.

Understanding the Payoffs in Stagnation
Psychological Attachment to Labels and Behaviors
Exploring Procrastination and Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
Promotion and Testimonials for Coaching Program