Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Feeling Like You Don't Belong in this Community?

September 26, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Feeling Like You Don't Belong in this Community?
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

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Speaker 1:

Hello ladies, hello gentlemen. I was originally going to do this as a members only podcast for my coaching group and, if you're not familiar, in my coaching program I have a whole bunch of videos and podcasts and books and ebooks and video courses and shit like that. There's just for people in my coaching program, but I thought that this also applied to just a lot of you listening. There's sort of a feeling that you can get and I've had this feeling a lot in the past. I definitely did when I first started working on my sex and dating life. You get this feeling sometimes where you feel like maybe you don't really belong, like maybe you're not cool enough or maybe everybody else in the community or the group that you're in is further along than you, maybe you're a complete beginner and they all kind of know what they're doing and you just feel completely lost. And this can apply to so many different things as well. If you take up a new sport, you often feel completely out of your depth If you're not an expert at that sport. Something like Brazilian jujitsu is a really good example. My girlfriend is a blue belt in BJJ Brazilian jujitsu and for the first year definitely for the first six months. She felt completely out of her depth and she felt like I don't know if I belong, I don't know if I can really do this, I don't know if I'm good enough for this, and I very much felt the same back in the day when I was working on my sex life. I was on a forum called the Good Looking Loser Forums and everybody there was super welcoming, but they were all really at least in my mind they were all really cool and they all had a lot of muscle and they had great bodies and I was just not that. And lots of them were super social and they would go out to bars and they were extroverted and they were all in their 20s and I was this guy who was nearing my 30th birthday and I had zero friends and I just ended a relationship with my girlfriend of like five years four years and I had basically nothing and I really didn't feel cool enough or good enough or young enough or interesting enough or muscular enough or attractive enough to be there. I felt like I didn't belong to be there and I felt like everybody else was further along than me. They were all doing amazing things and I was just so far behind that I should probably just leave and I shouldn't be there. And I was utterly convinced that at some point they were going to all get together and decide that I wasn't allowed to be in their club anymore. I was so convinced that this was the case that one day they would just delete my account or kick me off the forums or tell me that I wasn't good enough, or ask me to prove myself or something and say you know, you really aren't cool enough to be here. You have to prove that we should let you stay. I was so convinced that that was going to happen. There was a day where I couldn't log in because it turned out I was just typing my password in wrong I think I had hit the cap slot key or something and I tried logging in and I couldn't and it said you know wrong password or whatever. And I was like, oh my God, today's the day They've deleted my account because I'm not good enough to be here. So I really, really, really get that feeling of feeling like you're not good enough. And this entire podcast was, I guess, spawned because one of the guys in my coaching program right now has had this feeling, and I'm so glad that he was honest and he opened up to us about it. He's a very welcoming, encouraging group that we've built. But he opened up and he said you know, I just feel like everybody else here is like doing all these amazing things and you know they're going out and they're having threesomes or they're starting their business or they're losing all this weight, or they're opening up and they're being honest and you know they're moving across the country, they're making friends, they're doing all this crazy stuff and they're all doing these amazing things, but I'm just so far behind. I'm the person who's just trying to make some friends. I'm the person who just wants to be able to talk to one woman and spoiler, he's since talked to his very first woman, done his very first approach, and my God, were we happy and proud of him when he did that. But you know, at the time that he made this post to us, he felt like he hadn't really done very much and he felt so far behind and he was feeling things like even if I do make some progress, it's nothing compared to what all of you are doing basically every single day and it's going to take me like 12 weeks to do the things that you guys do every single day and Something that we say anytime someone feels like this, because this is a very common thing. A lot of you right now might be feeling like this with some of your goals. You know, I'm so far behind, I don't know if I'm ever gonna catch up. I don't know if I'm worthy, I don't know if I'm good enough. One thing we say a lot, and ed, who's one of my coaches in the program, says this all the time everybody lives life at their own pace, and he likes to say that. He's probably said that five hundred times at this point. He likes to say that to remind people like, look, don't compare yourself to other people. You can use other people as inspiration, and that's wonderful. They motivate us. They, you know, we look at them and we go man, I would love to be able to do what they're doing, or to be what they are, to have what they have. Man, that'd be so amazing. Yeah, use that, that's beautiful motivation. But don't look at them and go, okay, well, I'm not them, so therefore I'm not good enough, or they're further along, so therefore my progress right now is pathetic and it's nothing. No, realize that at some point, that person that you're comparing yourself to was at the stage that you're at. You know, I just told you a story that when I was on the good looking loser forums, it was about eight years ago at this point I didn't feel like I deserve to be that. I was utterly convinced they were gonna kick me off. I was utterly convinced I was not good enough. I was so shy and insecure and just a complete wreck. I really didn't think that I was ever gonna get my shit together. When I first started working on my sex and dating life, I wasn't really even working on my sex and dating life. All I wanted was for a couple of women to be nice to me. Literally, that was my goal, because the relationships that I'd been in until that point there was lots of kindness and, you know, the women were doing their best and so was I, but there was also some violence and there was some Abuse. There was some cheating from both sides and all of this. They want Clean, nice, loving relationships. We all did our best, but I was looking for something where people would just be nice to me and I could just be nice to them, and I didn't think that that was possible. That was my goal. When I started all of this, I was like I want a woman to just be nice to me and I can be nice to her. You know, I wanna not get angry, I want her to not get angry, I wanna not cheat. I want them to not cheat. I want everything to just be nice and we just nice to each other. That was my fucking goal. I didn't think that was possible. I really didn't think that was possible. And so if you're comparing yourself to me or to one of your friends or to anybody that you might see, realize that at some point they were probably in the position that you're at right now. And so if you're going to compare yourself to them, compare yourself to where they were when they were in your position, like when they were at the start of their journey, and then you'll see, oh shit, actually there's a lot of overlap there, a lot more like me and I'm a lot more like them. Then maybe I want to have first admitted and so reminding ourselves, that you know, everyone lives life at their own pace. We're all on this journey together to be better, and no matter where you are on that journey. It's not about being better or worse, or this guy has more than me, or this woman's better than me, or this woman's prettier than me, or that guy's got more muscle none of that kind of stuff. It's just how can I be one percent better than I am right now? How can I have one percent more? How can I be one percent more peaceful and loving? How can I have a little bit more sex, if that's what you're into? How can I have a little bit more money, if that's your current goal, whatever it might be? How can I just do one percent more? And if one percent more scares you, how can I just do zero point, one percent more, just a just a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, teensy little bit. And we're just slowly on that journey to improve a little bit at a time. We don't have to be as good as someone else. I almost never feel like I'm going to be as good as some of the people that I look up to. You know, at this stage, the people that I look up to people like alex homosie, dan henry, pat flin, mother Teresa by run Katie and david hawkins I don't think I'm going to match mother Teresa in terms of having an effect on the world and loving people. I don't expect to ever get anywhere near that level, and I could sit here and I have in the past. Compare my. I could compare myself to mother Teresa and go well, I'm never going to do as much as she did. So what's the point? I'm not good enough. You know, I'm not helping as many people. I'm just some bald guy on the internet is just Helping people have sex and make money and love themselves like that's nothing compared to her. She changed the world. Like I could sit there and compare myself. But I take a step back and I pause and I say, no, calm down, you don't need to be mother Teresa or alex homosie earning a hundred and twenty million dollars a year. I don't need to do that, thank you. All I want is to just be the best version of myself, and I have the rest of my life to work on that. So how can I just focus on what I'm going to focus on today, which is just being a tiny little bit better, taking one baby step, living in the moment, enjoying what I'm doing, enjoying the journey, not the destination? The destination is wonderful too, but the journey is 99.999% of it. You reach the goal, you reach the destination, and that's sort of a little moment in time, but the journey might take you 10 years to get there. So we want to really enjoy the journey, since it's most of it, and I just focus on living in the moment as best as I can and I'm not perfect with this, you know, you don't have to be perfect with this either but reminding myself that my mission is to just enjoy my life and try and be a little bit better, and that's it. And so I say this quite a lot. I really, really, really admire all of you who are listening, who are working on yourselves, who are, you know, battling some demons. If that's what you're currently going through learning to be more happy, learning to be more loving, learning to be more peaceful, losing weight, making money, having sex, having more intimate sex, building something with a partner, starting a family, whatever the hell it is that you're working on I respect all of it and I really admire all of you who are taking some action, and even if you're not ready to take action yet right now, that's okay too. At least you're here listening. This is you taking some action, listening to this to start working on believing. Okay, maybe I can take some action, maybe I can do this. Hey, that's beautiful too, and I want to make this really clear. I say this to my coaching clients all the time, but I'll say it to all of you as well I really don't care how long, how far along any of you are on the journey. Like I respected the work. I respect the intention. I respect the effort more than the outcome. Like I don't necessarily look at someone who's I don't know had like 10 threesome's and is having all this wild sex. I don't look at that person and go like wow, like I respect you more than the person who's depressed and has just gotten out of bed for the last five days and gone for a 10 minute walk. I respect both of those equally. Obviously, the person that's had the threesome's has probably just been working on their self improvement for longer, but I respect the intention and the work and the effort of both equally, and so I really don't care how far along you are on this journey. We're all on this goddamn journey together. Again, it's not about being better than someone else, or someone being better than you, or have you achieved more or have you not achieved. None of that matters. If you're on this journey, then we're all brothers and sisters on this same journey together, this journey towards, I guess, self acceptance. Maybe you want to call it enlightenment, maybe some of you want to call it happiness, maybe you want to just call it taking action and achieving some things. Whatever you want to call it, it doesn't really matter, but we're all just passengers of this beautiful journey called life, and I love you all equally and I respect all of you equally, no matter where you are on that goddamn journey. So look in the mirror today. If you feel up for it, give yourself a big fucking virtual hug, or a big literal hug if you want to Tell yourself, as you look in the mirror I love you, you're doing a good job, keep it up.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy and Comparison
Respecting and Supporting the Journey