Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Confidence/Competence/Efficiency is Something you EARN

October 18, 2023 Andy
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Confidence/Competence/Efficiency is Something you EARN
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

You don't have to beat yourself up if you're not immediately confident when working on a new goal; that's completely normal.

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Speaker 1:

Yo. So people who are starting a new goal often put all this pressure on themselves that they need to use their time effectively. Or you know they have to be efficient or they're not allowed to make mistakes, or you know they have to know what the right thing to do is. And I get this question a lot, especially my coaching program, where people will say what should I do? As if there's some like right answer that is correct, that they should do, and the sort of terrified of making any mistakes and I'm sure a lot of you can relate. Right, even I do. Sometimes I have this thought of like what is the right thing to do? And then I take a step back and I'm like why is there even a right thing to do? But especially when it comes to something where you're sort of at the start of your, of a new goal that you're working on, right, like let's pick some domain where maybe you don't have a ton of expertise, for some of you, listening, that will be something like getting laid and having sex. For others it will be something like btsm, maybe starting a new business, maybe losing weight. Whatever it is in your mind, think of something, a goal that you want to work on, or you're already working on, but you don't have much experience in it, and so you feel all that pressure right of like. You know, I don't want to make any mistakes, I just want to make sure that I'm starting off on the right foot. I want to make sure that I'm at least going down the right path and in the right direction so that I don't, you know, completely waste like six months or something. I feel so bad. If I wasted six months, first of all, no, you wouldn't, because it would be an amazing learning experience and you figure out pretty quickly hey, this isn't working. Let me go and research and Google and figure out what I can do to move more in the right direction. Or you try something else. You will course correct all of you listening, a capable of course correcting. You're not just going to sit there for the next 10 years doing the same thing and going golly, gee, how come I'm not getting results? Well, I guess I'm just going to keep trying the same thing again. No, at some point you'll change. And if you have a fear of, well, what if I waste three months? Hey, welcome to life. Motherfucker and motherfuckers, you are going to waste time. It's not even a waste because you've learned something there is no wasted time, there are no mistakes, unless you want to call it wasted time and call it a mistake. But do you know how many times I have floundered and flopped around trying to figure something out for days, weeks, months, sometimes years, before it all finally clicks into place and I go oh my god, yeah, okay, I want to stop doing that and start doing this other thing instead. Oh my god, you know, holy shit, I've learned something. And then I learned that lesson 10 times harder because I just spent three months or six months or two years not making any progress and making what you might call mistakes. I learned that lesson 10 times more because I'm like Jesus I made basically no progress over the last one year. Holy shit, okay, let's just like double down and try something else and really go all in with that other thing. Holy fuck, so it's. It's a beautiful course correction. That happens. It's a wonderful thing. That's why I say there are no mistakes. You can call it a mistake, you can call it wasted time, but there is no fucking wasted time. And so when you have these feelings at the start, you know I'm terrified of making a mistake. I need to know how to use my time effectively. I want to know what the right thing to do is. The first step is to give yourself permission to suck, but then the second thing is ask yourself the question if I've never done this before, or if I'm, like, relatively inexperienced with this particular goal, how the hell would I even know how to be efficient? How would I even know what to do? How would I know any of that shit? Like literally, how would I even know what is good advice and what is bad advice? I wouldn't even be able to tell I've never done this before. And so, rather than sitting there and putting this pressure on yourself that you have to know what the right thing to do is or you have to know how to be efficient, you have to know whether or not it's possible. That's another question that people ask, like I just don't, or a statement they make I just don't think it's possible. You know I'm short and no woman would date me because I'm short. Or you know, we got a guy in the coaching group right now who basically asked you know, I feel like I'm too old, I'm in my 30s and I don't have much sexual experience, and you know, I feel like I'm too old for women, something that Ed, who's one of the coaches in my program, says all the time is if you're a newbie at this thing that you're trying to do, then let's be honest and admit that you don't know what the right thing to do is. You don't know how to be efficient, you don't know if you're capable of doing it or not. And so when you're sitting there feeling like you know I'm too old, women won't date me. By your own admission, you are a newbie. How the fuck do you know if women will date you? You literally admitted you're a newbie and you have no experience, so how would you know what's possible? And so what he says is like take a step back and trust the people who have actually done this thing that you're talking about. Ask them whether or not it's possible, ask them how to be efficient, but even then, take the pressure of yourself to be efficient. How could you possibly be efficient when you haven't done something? And so all of this can be nicely wrapped up in my biggest, or one of my bigger philosophies, which is give yourself permission to suck, especially at the start. Right? I say this all the time my little three step process for success is number one give yourself permission to suck. Number two just take little baby steps every day towards your goal to make progress. Number three don't quit. That's it. So give yourself permission to suck, take baby steps towards your goal. Don't quit. That's it. That's success with every single goal that you will ever have. And you notice the very first one that I put in there, and I put it in there for a big reason Give yourself permission to suck, because if you don't, you're probably not going to do the second one, which is take a baby step towards it every day, because you'll be so paralyzed with oh, but like? What if I make a mistake? What if I don't know what I'm doing? What if I'm not efficient? What if I waste my time? What if it's not possible? I need to know if it's possible or not. I need to know if I'm going to make it. No, stop, calm down. Give yourself permission to suck. Give yourself for this whole process. Give yourself permission for this whole process to be a bit messy, for you not to know what you're doing, for you, to quote, waste some time, even though I don't think there is any wasted time. It's all a learning lesson. Give yourself a chance to make mistakes and again, I don't even think they're mistakes, they're learning lessons. How the hell are you supposed to know what to do when you've never done something before? That literally doesn't make any sense. Even if you've read 10 million books on something, that is not the same as actually starting. And if you read 10,000 books and you think you're an expert on day one when you actually start taking action for the first time, life will humble the shit out of you. Then life will go oh, so you've read 10,000 books and 10,000 articles and you've watched 10,000 YouTubers talking about this topic. Oh, that's cute. Here's how all of that is completely different to what it feels like when you actually do it. Good luck, and you're going to go. Holy shit, all of those books did not prepare me. They helped me and books are definitely wonderful. I like to read a lot before I do certain things, although I've gotten pretty damn good at just taking action and giving myself permission to suck, but I still read plenty of books and plenty of learning and all of that. I love that stuff, but it is not the same as actually doing it. It's helpful to have both, but if I say, if you were to pick only one, either learn a lot and educate yourself or take action. Well, taking action is always going to be the one that you pick and you don't have to pick just one again, but taking action is mandatory to get to your goals. Education or reading or learning is not mandatory Very helpful, but not mandatory. So all of this is to say give yourself permission to suck and let's hone in on what I've called this podcast. Let's hone in on the title. Of this right, like efficiency and competency, is something you earn. A lot of people put all this pressure on themselves that they have to know what they're doing and that, even more than that, that they have to be efficient, they have to not make mistakes, they have to be competent, they have to be confident, and what I say all the time is whoa cowboy, humble yourself a little bit. You have not earned the right to be competent at this. You have not earned the right to be efficient at this. You have certainly, certainly, certainly not earned the right to be confident at this thing. You haven't done it before, or you've done it like 10 times. You haven't done it a lot. How in the epic fuck are you ever going to be efficient or competent or confident at something you haven't done? And in fact, what would we call that if you were really confident at something that you hadn't done very much? We would call that drumroll, please. We would call that arrogant, we would call that delusional. We would call that, maybe, in some cases, completely fucking off your rocker, insane. If you were confident at something that you hadn't done, we would giggle and laugh at ourselves, but laugh at you. Well, I hope we wouldn't laugh at people, but you know what I mean. I would giggle and I would go like sure, I love that you're confident, go out and try the thing. You would go out and try the thing and you'd go, holy shit, actually, back to the drawing board. I'm not actually very good at this thing, holy shit, why was I so confident? Hey, that's beautiful. You got humbled, you got to learn something. Now you get to go and practice it some more. Take more action, apply yourself and maybe one day become confident. But confidence, efficiency and competency are three things that come with practice. It's why I say give yourself permission to suck at the start, because there's a very good chance you will suck Not always. Sometimes you're just naturally talented at something, but most of the time you're going to suck. You might suck a little bit, you might suck a lot. I often I am someone that just tends to suck at a lot of things when I first start, and that's why that's been my biggest philosophy. I just embrace the fact that, like, yeah, I'm probably gonna eat shit at the start. It's gonna be a little awkward, you know, I might be a bit embarrassed, I might feel like a fucking retard when I start this new goal. That's okay. Like, why would it be any different? It's always been like this with every goal I've done. That's why I just embrace that. I embrace the fact that, hey, I'm probably gonna look a bit silly. I might not know what I'm doing. That's cool. Like, why would I not look silly? I've never done this before. And if anybody ever shamed me or laughed at me which honestly, doesn't really happen very much people are pretty nice. But if somebody ever did like, if somebody ever mocked me or said, hey, this video that you just did sucked, or any of that, I agree with them. I'm like, yeah, yeah, it did suck. Of course it does. I haven't done this very much. Why wouldn't it suck? And again, that doesn't really happen that often. Most people are really nice. It's usually us that are sitting there bullying ourselves and saying this sucks, this is awful, and in fact most of the rest of the world will go wow, good job, that's awesome. And you're like no, I fucking suck. You know it's usually us that beat ourselves up, not other people. But if it ever does happen, hey, cool. I agree with you. Yeah, this kind of does suck, but that's all right, I'll get better. You know I'm going to get better with practice. So, rather than putting pressure on yourself to be good at something that you've never even done, or putting pressure on yourself to be efficient with something and to know what the right answer is, to know what a good use of your time would be, you can't possibly know that stuff at the start. No matter how many books you read, you can get an idea of it maybe, but that's not quite the same as doing it. And so in the early stages, what I say to people in the early stages of working on a goal, rather than knowing what a good use of your time is or knowing how to be efficient, I say just do anything at the start, like it doesn't matter. If the action that you're taking is not the best action that you could be taking, it's probably not going to be, because you just you don't know and no one else can tell you. Like even me right here. If I have all this experience with sex and dating and all of and money and weight loss and mental health and happiness and all of that shit relationships I still can't tell you what the best use of your time would be at the start. I have some idea and I can point you in the right direction. But one of the first things that I say to clients when they first sign on and they say you know, what should I, how should I use my time? I'll say why don't fucking know? Like here's five different things that you can do. Go and do those, go and try them and then come back and we'll see what worked and what didn't work and then we'll tweak it from there. But we have to go and gather information first. We have to go and gather data. I don't know what you will be good at, I don't know what you will enjoy. I don't know what other people will respond to. If we're taking an example like dating and having sex, I get this question a lot, where people will say should I go on Tinder and online dating or should I be putting my time into walking outside and approaching women? And I'll say I don't fucking know. Go do both and come back in a couple of days and we will figure out what you're good at, what you like, what the women respond to. But how the hell could I know that right now? We don't have any information. Right now, all I can do is guess, or I can put my agenda and what I think you should do. But that's not reality. That's me just having an agenda and plenty of gurus, plenty of experts, plenty of people will have a strong agenda and they'll say you should do online dating, blah, blah, blah. But we don't really know. We're just trying to guess and so we need more information. So, at the start, when you're working on a new goal, go and gather that knowledge, go and gather that information. Go, try a bunch of different things and learn and see what you like, see what works well, see what you respond. But we're not going to know what a good use of your time is until you try a few different things. I wrote this article many years ago called this is all just a big experiment. I have a video on my YouTube channel that just went up recently called Let the record show that I was never a confident man. I did a podcast a couple of months ago called I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, I'm just winging it. And in all of these pieces of content, what I talk about is look, I don't know what the right answer is for me. How the hell am I going to know what to do? I just go out and try a few different things. Oh, I liked that, or I didn't like that. That worked pretty well. Hey, that thing over there, that didn't work well. Let me just tweak it and try different things and see what feels good, and then I'll figure out what to do. I encourage all of you to do the same thing. Take some of this pressure off yourself that you have to do a bunch of research and find the best answer. You know, sometimes it happens pretty rarely because I think most of you guys and girls get it, but every now and then someone will ask me a question, you know, on YouTube or email or something. They'll say hey, andy, like this other content creator or whatever this other dating advice guy says to do this. But then you talk about doing this other thing, like who's right, and as if they're trying to look for just like a magical correct answer. That's so they can put it in a pigeonhole and say that's the correct answer, cool. And I'll say, dude, we're probably both right or we're both wrong. But like why don't you go out and try both of our pieces of advice? And then you tell me who's right for you, like I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that I'm right, or the other guy's right, like no, how do I know? You haven't tried either. How the hell can me or the other content creator Tell you what is correct if you haven't tried anything? So this is all just a big beautiful experiment. Don't be afraid to make some mistakes again. There are no mistakes. Don't be afraid to get your feet a little wet to dive straight in. If you're scared to do that, dip your toe in the water. Take a little bit of action. Do one tiny, little baby step today. Don't worry about being correct, don't worry about making mistakes, don't worry about rejection, don't worry about efficiency. Give yourself that beautiful permission to suck and just do something. Anything. There is a really good saying or idea. That comes from one of the guys I like to follow called Alex Hermosi, and there's a few other people. This is not a new concept. There's a few other people that talk about this, but there's a concept I guess it comes from business called time to action, and what it means is and it's usually used in a business or a corporation when we have an idea or something we want to execute on, the quicker we can actually take action on that, the more our company will benefit and grow and the more we can serve our customers, the more money will make. Like everything is better, and so a really good example of maybe a structure that doesn't have good time to action is something like most governments. Most governments have a lot of like red tape and bureaucracy and all of this like shit that they have to go through, and so they might have an idea and it might take five years before that gets implemented. If you were to do that as a private business or even a public business like in the corporate world, if you took five years To execute on a plan, in other words, if your time to action from when you have a good idea to when you implement. It is five fucking years. Your company will just go under, like you, you're just gonna get left behind. Governments can obviously be okay doing that because they get free money they get money from all of us like they can survive being incredibly inefficient. But anyway, this concept of time to action is one of the biggest key indicators of a company's like great performance, and the same thing applies to all of you, the same thing applies to us with self-improvement. The quicker you can go from having an idea that you know you want to do to To actually taking even just one tiny little baby step towards that thing, you will get 10 billion times more done. And One of the things that I have gotten pretty good at, one of the things that's maybe one of my like I don't know what would you call like a cheat code for success is when I have an idea or when I feel like I'm going to do something, or when I feel a fear and I know it's a fear that, like I do actually want to achieve. I want to do that thing, but I'm just I'm feeling so much fear and resistance I've gotten pretty damn good at just going fuck it. I'm gonna take action right this second, like the millisecond, I have the thought that I want to do something. I take action immediately, and that action can be something unbelievably small. Like I just Order a book on Amazon that has to do with this topic that I'm talking about and I'll just I'll start reading that book or I will I don't know what's an example. If it's something like making money, okay, I will email one past client right now and say hey, can I please get a testimonial from you so that I can use that in marketing materials and use that in podcast and stuff like that. Like I will just do one tiny little thing that takes no more than like one or two minutes to execute on, and I would do that immediately, like Immediately, like within like 15 minutes of having the idea that I want to do something. And sometimes I feel a lot of fear and resistance. That's okay, so I will talk through, I will think through it, I will process that fear and I'll take action. But even then I'll take action within like two hours, maybe one hour, often less than that. I'm someone that has gotten really really quick at taking that action as soon as I feel like I want to do something, and that has been one of the biggest cheat codes to why I've gotten a lot of stuff done, along with giving myself permission to suck, not putting pressure on myself to be perfect or to do a ton all at once. You know, baby steps really is another really great cheat code. But if you can get yourself to just take action as quick as possible within like one or two minutes ideally, but you know, if it takes two hours, that's beautiful as well. Hey, if it takes you two days, that's beautiful as well. Just work on reducing that time to action a little more and more over time. Like five years ago, 10 years ago, my time to action was like years. I would have an idea that I wanted to lose weight and it might take me like two years to actually start losing weight, right, so it's fine that my time to action used to be really slow. I just tried to work on doing it a little bit quicker over time, almost like I was trying to set a personal best or a personal record of like. Okay, last time it took me one week to take action when I realized that I wanted to do something. Can I do this thing in five days? Can I start taking action within five days. And then, once I was able to do five days, okay, could I do it in four days. Okay, can I do it within three days? Okay, could I take action within one day? Can I take action within 10 hours? And I just slowly reduced that over time, so you don't have to be some impulsive, crazy, spontaneous legend who's just like yo, I feel the fear, and then one minute later I don't give a fuck, I take action. I'm a legend. No, like you, don't have to do that. Just maybe work on doing it a little bit quicker over time, a tiny little bit quicker over time. So the quicker you can take action, giving yourself permission to suck along the way, not expecting yourself to be efficient or be competent or be confident, the more action you will take, the more you achieve, the more beautiful your life will be, if that's something that you want, if these goals are something that really means something to you. So efficiency, confidence, confidence and competency are things that we own, right. We, we, we be a little inefficient for a while, we make some so-called mistakes, we waste a little bit of time. Again, there is no wasted time. Unless you want to call it wasted time, then, hey, you can call it whatever you want. I'm at a point where I don't call any single thing that I do ever wasted or a mistake, and my life is a lot happier, for I feel a lot more momentum, I feel a lot more positivity. I feel a lot less regret. I actually feel no regret. I feel peace and love towards my actions and the things in my life. I feel gratitude instead of regret and fear and pain. And, oh my God, I've I've wasted all this time. I've made all these mistakes. I'm never going to get it. What's wrong with me? No, I've let most of that go. I'm not perfect. I still have the rest of my life to learn, to let more and more of that stuff go. But yeah, these are just the things that have helped me. Hopefully they help you too, and if not, that is absolutely beautiful. On the topic of coaching money all that cool stuff this month we hit $50,000 US dollars, which is absolutely fucking insane. I don't know what more to say other than holy crap, thank you. I'm grateful. This is the second biggest month that we've ever had, and this has gone a long way to paying off about half of the tax debt that I have left. So, if you're not familiar, I have a big tax or I had a big tax debt of about $100,000 Australian dollars. There is now about 50, 60,000 Australian dollars left to pay. There's a little bit more than that, actually, because we have some credit card bills and some bank account bills and stuff like that. So we're getting a big chunk of that paid off and slowly working towards the rest being paid off, which is really beautiful. Again, I am so unbelievably grateful, so unbelievably thankful, even if you never give me money ever for the rest of your life. I'm just grateful that you're here. I'm grateful that you're taking action. I'm grateful that we've built this beautiful community together. I'm grateful that you listen. I'm grateful that you are, I assume, working towards the best version of yourself, and if you're not, hey, that's cool too. So now, I guess, is a beautiful time. If you're someone that has considered signing up for coaching, this is, wow, the best possible time. There's all this momentum. Everybody in there is like fired up to work on their goals. We've added like 10 new people in the last like three weeks. So everybody's like super excited, everybody's like super on this mission, and this would be the perfect time to sign up, especially if you have everything we talked about in this podcast, if you're feeling like I'm not as far along as other people and I'm not efficient, I'm not confident, I'm not competent yeah, like half of the people in the coaching group right now feel like that because they've literally just signed up. So this really is the perfect opportunity. If you're thinking about signing up, I would absolutely do that now so that you're amongst a bunch of other people that feel exactly the same. They're in the same boat. You can all support each other. One of the things that we get people to do in the coaching program and all of you can do this if you don't sign up for coaching, you can do this in your own life if you want to is we get people to form accountability partners with someone else in the group. So we say, like, find someone else in the group and you're gonna be each other's accountability partners. Once a week you will do like a Zoom call or whatever you wanna do. Some people meet in person if they live in the same country, and you just like ask each other how's your week gone? What are you doing next week? How can I support you? What do you need? Like all of that kind of stuff, and you can do that with each other throughout the week as well. You don't have to just do it once a week, but at least once a week meet up. Some people just message each other like 10 times a day, which I do with my accountability partners, but that's something that we sought out a lot, and what we've got in there right now is a bunch of people have made like a big group actually of that, because there's been quite a few people that have all signed up at the same time. So again, if you're even thinking about coaching, this is the freaking time to sign up, cause you can jump in that little accountability group and have everyone you know they're all pushing each other, they're all motivating each other, no matter what your goals are, whether it's sex, money, dating, relationships, love, mental health, happiness. We've got a guy in there that's literally just in there to be happier and to figure out what he wants from life, and we're helping him with that. We've got a woman in there who's working on exploring BDSM and that side of herself, which is wonderful. So everybody in there are super nice. I screen really hard. Everybody's super welcoming and non-judgmental and everybody is like absolutely on the fast track to success. So if you want to be part of that, I will leave a link in the description below. As always, ladies and gentlemen, go out there, crush those goals, and it's okay if you're not confident or efficient or competent. Those are just things that come with practice. So get out there and keep practicing. I promise you will get that.

Starting a New Goal Is Pressure
Give Yourself Permission to Suck
The Importance of Time to Action
Increase Time for Personal Growth
Exciting Opportunities in Coaching Program