Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Can You Be HAPPY If You FAIL to Reach Your Goals?!?

November 16, 2023 Andy Wells
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Can You Be HAPPY If You FAIL to Reach Your Goals?!?
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

How to find generate outcome-independence and feel that abundance mentality.

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Speaker 1:

Hello you legendary human beings. So in my coaching group a couple of guys were feeling a little bit stressed about not reaching their goals, and this is something that comes up a lot. Right, a lot of people put pressure on themselves that well, they tell themselves a story that they won't be happy, that they're almost not allowed to be happy, that happiness is impossible unless they reach their goals. And it can get to the point where it becomes almost debilitating and it sort of holds you back from taking action because you're so focused on the fear or the stress of like, fuck, I need this thing so badly. You know I have to get laid or I have to make money or I have to lose weight. You become so obsessed with this story that you have to do it, otherwise you won't be happy, that it sort of disempowers you. It can get to the point where you're basically just so caught up in the fear and the stress that it's hard to take action, or it requires so much willpower, or you get so frustrated at the tiniest little hurdle. And so what I've found useful is something that might seem a little counter-intuitive if you've never heard it before, but I like to basically remind myself, or check, I guess, for myself and see if it would be okay if I didn't reach this goal. And that sounds very counter-intuitive for a lot of us. A lot of us have told this story that we absolutely have to achieve this goal. This is the only way I'm gonna be happy is if I get my life together, or if I achieve this goal, or if I make this money or have this sex or whatever it might be. But if you just trust me for a minute, you don't have to trust me. But if you're willing to give this a little bit of a go and be brave, you can kind of ask yourself what happens if I don't ever reach my goal. And so what I suggested to a couple of my coaching clients, one in particular, who were feeling a little bit stressed about you know, I have to achieve this goal. I said this exercise to them what if you write down a couple of reasons why your life would be absolutely fine if you didn't reach this particular goal, in other words, why your happiness isn't solely contingent on you achieving this goal? And so here's what one of them wrote, and in his case his goal was to make more money. So he said his five reasons why it would be okay if I didn't reach my financial goals. The first one I actually know tons of people who live very full lives, having worked just normal nine to five jobs for their entire life. Yeah, it's a beautiful one. Number two I can do jobs that are fulfilling. Lots of jobs are less soul draining than other jobs, even if that means they don't have big financial payoffs. Yeah, it's a great one. If I don't end up making a ton of money, I can still do the stuff that I already find fulfilling for free, such as coaching. So this guy coaches other people psychedelics, building stuff and I can feel a ton of fulfillment from that. I don't have to only get fulfillment from making lots of money. Number four when I die, I doubt that I'll care what my net worth is. Yeah, there's a really great quote that I love that Alex Homozy says a lot. He says we all get taxed at 100% when we die. And number five he says I can still have a happy family on normal job wages. In fact, maybe it would even be easier than ever before. Maybe it's even easier than ever before in human history to do this. So, yeah, there's five reasons why his life would be absolutely okay. Everything would be fine. In fact, that still sounds like a really beautiful life if he was able to or if he didn't achieve this goal of making a ton of money. And so he ended up writing after that I still feel some resistance to giving this goal up, but I do feel like I feel a little bit more freedom now. I think I'll keep thinking about this. And then he edited his post and said actually, do you know what? I think I do feel a lot better. Alex Homozy says a desire is basically a contract with yourself that you won't be happy until you reach that goal. But I feel like I've been wanting that contract. It's like I haven't been letting myself be happy until I achieve certain goals. It would kind of be a relief to let that contract go a little bit. And so he's already found a little bit of freedom from doing this. Now, what I said to him was I added a little bit more context I said, to be clear you're not giving your goals up. The point of this exercise isn't to quit working on yourself improvement or to quit working towards things that you really want. What you're doing is giving up the attachment to the outcome and the suffering that comes from believing that you need to achieve a goal in order to be happy. Essentially, what you are telling yourself is I'm OK whether I achieve these goals or not, or my happiness is not tied to external events. I don't need external things or goals in order to be happy. Happiness comes from within me. In other words, this is the basis of stoicism, and I found in my own life, when I've given up that attachment or that desperate need to reach my goal in order for me to allow myself to be happy, I actually end up achieving the goal faster and more easily because I'm not weighed down by fear or anxiety or desperation or neediness or frustration or pain or suffering or anger or emotions. You know, I'm freed up and I'm feeling peace, and I'm freed up to take the exact same actions that I was going to take anyway, except now those actions are coming from a place of love, of excitement, of peace, of joy, of looking forward to achieving my goal, rather than being paralyzed by fear of not making a fear of failing and Fear, and those low level emotions are not particularly empowering. It's really hard to take action towards your goals when you're sitting there terrified that you're not going to achieve this goal. You're so busy, focused on what if I don't make it, I'll never be happy. Unless I make it? You literally distracting yourself from taking action. You're taking up brain space, worrying about not making it, instead of actually spending that same brain power working towards that goal. So I hope that I guess clarification makes sense. None of this is about saying don't work towards goals. I have plenty of goals. Goals are beautiful. I'm just not attached to them. I don't tell myself some Silly lie that I won't be happy if I don't achieve these goals. In other words, I've let go of the need to achieve the goals and now all that is left is the desire or the want To achieve those goals. But I'm not going to tell a story that I won't be happy if I don't make this goal. I'll be absolutely just fine. In other words, I'll be happy if I achieve the goal and I'll be happy if I don't achieve the goal. Another way of thinking about this is I'll just roll with the punches. You know, I'll be fine. And so if the idea of this exercise doesn't really click with you, if you're, if you're still feeling that story or believing that story of I need this goal to be happy. What you can sort of gently play around with here is and only do this if you want to, by the way but you can kind of play around with that a little bit and say would I still be able to find happiness in other ways? You know, so if your goal is like losing weight let's say you never lost weight would I be able to be happy in some other way, like could I just really throw myself into my career and get a lot of fulfillment out of that? Could I build a family and really enjoy that? Could I have a lot of friends? Could I I don't know build something or develop something or start a business? Like is there any other thing in the entire universe that I could do that would bring me some satisfaction, outside of this goal that I'm Telling myself that I absolutely need? Otherwise I can't be happy? And the answer is yes. Of course there are other things in life that you could use or you could work towards or you appreciate and be grateful for in order to find happiness, in order to be happy you don't find happiness is right there, but we often put an extra step in the middle of it when we say I have to achieve my goal before I can be happy. No, you're allowed to be happy right now if you want to. But yeah, it's not about dropping the goals or not caring about them. Quite the opposite. Like I said, I'm far more. I take far more action towards my goals when I don't tell myself the lie of I need this, I need this, I need this. And so you know. I can go on a little further and say essentially what you're doing, if you do this exercise, like my client did, is you're effectively giving yourself outcome independence, and I think outcome independence is a word that resonates with a lot of people. So does abundance mentality, and outcome independence and abundance mentality are basically not needing a goal or not needing some external thing to be happy. That is the definition of outcome independence. It means you don't care about the outcome. You don't care whether or not you reach this goal, because you'll be happy anyway, or you'll just go for some other goal, or you'll find some way to make it work anyway. You'll just roll with the punches and you'll try different things and you'll find a solution, and you know your solution won't work, so you'll try a different one, like you don't care that it didn't work because you'll just keep going. That's outcome, independence, abundance mentality is basically the same thing, but abundance mentality means I'm okay, I have enough. I'm okay and I would like a little bit more. I'd love to achieve these goals. That would make me happy, but I'm already happy without those things. So these mindsets, which really is just not telling yourself that, the not telling yourself the lie that you need this goal or you need this person to say yes to you or you need money from this person Having that outcome independence and that abundance mindset makes it a million times easier to take action, because now you don't care about rejections or failures or any of these other things that you really deeply care about. When you tell yourself you need a goal, if you're believing the lie that you need a goal, then any little hurdle that gets in your way seems like some big, epic battle and you go to war against it. You know somebody says no, I don't want to sleep with you, and you basically go to war because you're like I need this goal, please. I need to have sex, please, you're in the way. Or if you believe that you need a relationship in order to be happy, if somebody breaks up with you or doesn't want to date you. You basically go to war. You're like please, I need this. Or you use manipulation, or you withdraw and get really frustrated and butt hurt, or you shut down, or you get angry at the person or passive aggressive because you're believing the lie that you need that goal or you need that person in order to be happy. So I found in my own life, as I've let go of that need, I don't manipulate people anymore because I don't need to. I don't need to use force on myself or other people because why would I need to? And then all I'm left with is the question of okay, I don't need anything, what do I want? And then again, 90% of the time the answer is exactly the same as it was before. Well, I still want to lose weight or I still want to make money, but I don't need it. And now I'm, like I said, sitting there feeling peace, and I can take the same action. The person who doesn't need something ironically gets it infinitely easier because your actions come effortlessly, they're not tarnished with this false, desperate need or this lie, and so the actions effortless. You're not needy with other people, you're not desperate. We all know that desperation and neediness and not very attractive. You don't use force or manipulation on yourself or other people and guess what? You can be honest and authentic and you can leave space for the other person to say no to you and you're completely okay with that. And, ironically, people say no to you far less because they can tell that you're not desperate. They can tell that you have outcome, independence or abundance mindset. They can tell that you're just a chill, easy to be around, human being who's not trying to get something from them. And you also have the power to walk away because if someone is overstepping your boundaries or you don't like someone or you're not comfortable, you won't put up with it because you like. Well, I don't need this goal. I don't need a relationship to be happy. So If my partner right now is being very manipulative or the hitting me or something that I don't like, I'm allowed to walk away because I don't need them, I don't need this relationship. I'll be absolutely fine whether they're here or not. And so when we can Take away that lie that we need a goal in order to be happy, we actually act with more honesty, more authenticity, more love, more compassion, more kindness, more peace. We're just a more chill human being, and none of this is even mentioning the fact that you get to feel better as well, because now, if you're with a partner, it's no longer something that you feel you need to have in your life or have to have or should do. It's now something you want, and the things that we want are far easier to do or to keep or to have action on because we want to. And so if you're with a partner, for example, if you don't believe that you need them, you know wholeheartedly that they're there because you like them, because you want them, because they bring you happiness, and you have nothing but gratitude because there isn't that neediness in the way. Neediness Gets in the way of gratitude, it gets in the way of appreciation. It's very hard to appreciate something that you feel like you need desperately. It's very hard to be grateful for someone who's giving you something if you feel like you need it. If you feel like you need it because, if you're telling yourself the lie that you need this thing, if they then give it to you, in your mind you're like, oh, thank God, yeah, they should have given this to me because I need it, but if you know that you don't need that thing. If they then give it to you, you know whether that sex or money or a relationship or friendship, or their time or their energy, whatever it might be If they give it to you and you don't tell yourself the lie of I need this, when they give it to you, you're nothing but grateful. You're like this is amazing, thank you for this. I wasn't expecting this, I didn't need this. You just gave me this and I'm so unbelievably grateful. It's how I can sit here and tell all of you, basically every ten podcasts or so, that I'm really grateful for you, because I haven't told myself the lie and I used to tell myself this lie, but I've let it go over the last, I don't know. Yeah, I don't tell myself the lie anymore that I need money from you, or that I need you to listen to me, or that I need you to change your life, or that I need to help lots of people. I don't believe any of those lies anymore, and so now there's only I'm only left with gratitude for all of you, gratitude for my lovely girlfriend, imogen. I never look at her and say I need you or I need you to, I need you to do this. I need you to behave. I need you to be kind. I need you to be feminine. I need you to be sexy. I need you to be hot. I need you to lose weight or stay at this weight. I need you to have lots of sex with me. I need you to earn my respect. I need you to see your friends. I don't believe any of those lies anymore, and I used to, and they brought me a lot of pain. But now I don't need anything from her or anybody else. And if it ever came to it where she wasn't giving me the things that I wanted or we weren't sharing the things that I wanted, such as lots of sex, I would just sit down with her and we'd talk about it. And if it came up that she I don't know, pick some random example. Let's say she decided I'm never gonna have sex with you ever again, andy, and I'm also never gonna talk to you again and we're never gonna spend any time together again ever, beautiful. Then I would say, hey, I appreciate that, but let's break up. And we would break up and I would have nothing but love for her and I would then move on and be by myself for a little while, or I'd go and date someone else whatever I felt like in that moment, but there would be no desperation there. They would only be happiness and gratitude and wanting her to do whatever she wants to do, and I'm gonna do whatever I want to do. So you take away all of the pain and the suffering and the stress in life. If you don't tell yourself a lie that you need something, and again to really underline it, you actually end up taking 10,000 times more action towards your goals because you don't have that desperate need and now you just have a fun want or a desire or excitement. You know that desperate need to get your goals can block you from actually feeling excited. It's very hard to feel excited when you think that you're starving. If you would like any more help with this mindset stuff, probably the easiest thing to do is just grab my video course. I talk about these concepts a lot In my new video course called play to win. You can pay whatever you would like for it, even if that's just $1. There's a link in the description below to that. I also offer coaching. There's a link in the description below to that. As always, ladies and gentlemen, go out there and crush those goals, but you don't need to tell yourself the lie that you need to crush those goals. Crush those goals because it's fun and exciting and you want to, not because you think it's the only way that you'll ever be happy.

Attaining Happiness Beyond Goals
Letting Go of Neediness
Letting Go, Pursuing Happiness