Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and this one is probably more for the guys, but women might benefit from this too. Something that I learned it took me quite a while to learn, I learned it probably about a year ago was that I don't have to be kept in fix it when it comes to my girlfriend's emotions, and anyone really. I don't have to fix anybody's emotions, but just in the terms of our relationship. Anytime Imogen was sad, I always felt this tremendous pressure that I had to fix things, that I had to stop her from crying, that if she was ever sad or unhappy about something or something was bothering her, I had to swoop in there. You know, captain, fix it. It's a very masculine thing to get in there and like, fix your partner's emotions. And it was coming from a good place, obviously. I think most guys are coming from a good place when they're trying to, you know, keep their partners happy. But in order for me to make someone happy, in order for me to ensure that my partner never cries which is basically an impossible scenario anyway, because I can't control someone else's emotions but in order for me to attempt this impossible task, I had to use all sorts of tactics, you know, and again, they were coming from a good place. But I used to, you know, try and reframe her sadness or try and distract her or try and tell her. You know, come on, you're being too upset about this, this isn't a big deal. And in doing so I was basically invalidating whatever concerns or whatever else she might have had and I was essentially telling her without meaning to, your emotions are silly, they don't matter. And as I've come to sort of be okay with her being sad and now at this point, I love when she's sad because there's useful information there. But as I've gotten to this point over the last, you know, we've been together for about five and a half years as I've worked towards this point, I've come to see that anytime she is sad, there's really useful information there. If she's sad about something, I've noticed that if we just sit there and talk about it, or if she talks, you know, to her friends or her counselors or coaches, or reads books or writes in her diary or whatever, there's useful information in that sadness.

Speaker 1: 2:25

I think about the times in my own life when I've been angry about something or sad or whatever. I don't bottle those emotions up and that's so unbelievably unhelpful. My philosophy is that sadness or that anger or that frustration is trying to tell you something. It's useful information. I'm frustrated for a reason. I'm frustrated because I don't want this thing to keep happening, or I want to change my mindset around it, or I want to try something different, or I want to move in a different direction. In other words, I want to change my mindset around it, or I want to try something different. In other words, I want to solve this problem. And if she's sad, it's for the same sort of reason. It's because she's not obviously not happy about something, but because she wants to change something, or she wants to find some solution in her mind, or she wants to learn to accept it. And so there's useful information there. If I'm willing to let her sadness breathe, so to speak, let it exist.

Speaker 1: 3:21

And part of the reason why I was trying to fix it all the time again, I think it came from a good place, and I think that's true of pretty much every man that tries to fix his girlfriends or wives, or even just you know casual girl that he's dating when we try and fix their emotions. I think it's coming from a good place, but I think it's also coming there's a little bit at least for me there was a little bit of feeling or worry of like, what does this say about me if I can't fix this? You know, if my girlfriend is sad, does that mean I'm a bad partner? Or if she's sad, but you know I can't fix it or I can't help, does that mean I'm a failure? And that was definitely how I took it for the first couple of Years.

Speaker 1: 4:04

And there's a tremendous burden in that, a tremendous burden on myself that I was putting on there, a Tremendous burden that you're putting or that we're putting on our partners or you know, even if it's just a casual relationship, but we're putting a burden on on the other person if we expect them to or we try so desperately hard to get them to just get over the sadness. And I used to have this story in my head that sadness is bad, that crying is a bad thing, and I was so vehemently against Anyone being sad it was like it was my personal crusade or something to stop anyone ever being sad that again I basically labeled it as a bad thing and and I invalidated other people's feelings without intending to. I put my burden of I don't want you to be sad Onto that other person. And so all I really did was teach image and my partner to Bottle that shit up, to never be honest and I mean she was still pretty fucking honest but, you know, to not or to feel guilty if she was crying and to try and hide it. And there were times where she'd keep a straight Face and she'd not be sad and she'd just put on this mask of yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's okay. And then she would go home and be sad. And then she would tell me a couple of days later, because we have a very honest, we've always had a very honest relationship, and she would tell me a couple of days later yeah, I've been really bothered by something, but I haven't known how to talk to you because I'm worried that if I talk to you, I'll start crying and then you'll tell me that crying is bad.

Speaker 1: 5:30

And, like I said about a year ago Maybe a little bit before then, but Roughly a year ago I Came to the realization of, like you know, her emotions aren't a bad thing. In fact, they can be a beautiful thing, because they're telling her and they're telling me something and I let go of all of these stories of I don't need you to cry, and the transformation over the last year has been absolutely amazing. She can now fully express her emotions with me and I don't take it personally, I don't take it as like a personal challenge that I have to solve this sadness, otherwise I'm not doing my job as a man. I've let go of all of that fear, all of those stories, all of that bullshit, and Now I can just sit there and listen to her and be present. And if I ever don't want to listen and I don't want to be present, you know, because maybe I have my own stuff going on I can now fully say hey, you know, I appreciate that you're sad, that you're crying. I don't think I can give you anything right now, but would you like to go talk to your friends, or what if you talk to your counselor, or any of that? But I'm not trying to shut down her sadness, I'm not telling her that she should just get over, and it's been tremendously freeing not having that burden and it was.

Speaker 1: 6:38

It was like me killing my sacred cow, as the same goes, like I really didn't want to let go of the idea that it's okay if my partner is sad Because, again, I told all of these stories about what that would mean for me. Does that mean that I'm a bad partner if I can't fix her mood? Does that mean I'm a shit man, like, I'm not a man, I'm not a real man if I can't solve my wife's problems or my girlfriend's problems? It's like that saying you know, happy wife, happy life. I really don't resonate with that anymore. Why can I not have a happy life just because my girlfriend is a little bit sad in the moment? Why should her sadness involve me? Now I can be there for her, I can empathize, I can understand, I can love her, or I cannot be there if I don't want to. But why should I be unhappy just because she's feeling some emotions right now?

Speaker 1: 7:28

And I used to get so swept up in her emotions and not that I would get bothered and like start crying or something. But if she was sad I would a lot of the time stop everything I was doing and go okay, how can we solve this problem? Whereas now, if she's sad, I go, hey, would you like anything from me? And if she says, yes, I'd like you to listen, or yes, I'd like a hug, then I give that to her, but a lot of the time. She's now free to say, no, I'm okay, I'm just gonna sit here and cry a little bit, but I don't need anything from you. And that was the thing. You know, before, anytime she was sad or anytime she was frustrated or whatever, I just assumed that she needed me to fix it. But I never actually stopped to ask and I wonder how many of us especially you know, us men never actually ask any of the women that we're with, you know, do you need me to fix your sadness or are you just crying to release things?

Speaker 1: 8:22

I think men and women see crying as two very different things. If a guy cries and we're not talking about crying with happiness, you know, I cry with happiness like all the freaking time we're not talking about that, we're talking like sad tears. I think if a man cries from sad tears, it's because he's gotten to the stage, generally speaking, of like complete and utter just hopelessness, like crying as a man is almost a feeling of like I give up, like I can't do this, I give up. It's associated with like very low moments, like deep depression or like so much pain that it just we can't. We have to just let that pain out. It's sort of a sign that we might not be in a good place.

Speaker 1: 9:04

But I think for women, crying is much freer. For them, they will cry because they see something a little bit sad, because they're feeling a little bit frustrated, because somebody yelled at them, because they're feeling a little bit of emotion and they don't know how to deal with it, and so crying is the way of dealing with it. Crying is literally like one of the first tools in their toolkit, whereas for men, crying is like almost the last tool in our toolkit. Crying for most men is holy shit. Every other tool that I tried didn't work and I don't know what to do and I'm fucked. That's kind of the feeling that a lot of men feel when we cry out of sadness.

Speaker 1: 9:43

But again, for women, crying is often the first tool. It's like no, I don't feel very good, so let me cry, and then I know I'll feel better. And if you ask women, you know when they're crying hey, would you like anything from me? Would you like my help with this? What you'll find is a good portion of the time they go no, I'm OK, but thank you so much for asking. They're genuinely OK while they're crying, and this again took me a good like four or so years of my relationship with the image and to really wrap my head around that when she's crying she can still be OK. Sometimes she might like a hug from me, sometimes she might like me to talk to her, sometimes she might like to talk through her stories and reframe things and be more positive, but a lot of the time she literally just is going to cry and then she'll feel better.

Speaker 1: 10:32

In the same way that a guy might go hang out with his friends, or he might go for a walk, or he might go for a jog, or he might go to the gym and have a crazy workout, or he might go and take action, or he might write in his journal or diary or he might, you know, vent to his friends, women are just doing that, all of those things, but in the form of tears, in the form of a release, like a letting go. And again, I think that's one of the big differences between how a lot of men and a lot of women cry. You know a lot of guys cry because it's a complete giving up, it's like almost a failure, it's pain, but for a lot of women, when they cry, it's a release, it's freeing, it's letting go, it's an unburdening, it's a transition from you know, I'm not okay to I am okay, whereas, again, I think the opposite. For a lot of guys, I think crying can sort of pull us a little deeper. It feels like it might pull us a little deeper, whereas a lot of women are like no, no, no, I want to be free of this thing. Just let me have a good cry about this.

Speaker 1: 11:28

And so realizing this very big difference between how a lot of men and a lot of women cry has allowed me to see Imogen's tears and then say do you need anything from me? Would you like something from me? What can I do for you and be okay with her and love her, saying, oh, I don't need anything, but thank you. So this has been a really big transformation in our relationship. It's freed me up to realize that I don't have to fix my partner's moods and in fact, most of the time there isn't even anything to fix in the first place. She's perfectly okay. And it was me projecting my shit and my stories onto her, my need to fix things, my need to have a partner who's always happy, my need to look like I'm a good boyfriend who's there for his girlfriend and his girlfriend isn't sad and you know he's doing a good job of this relationship and those were my burdens that I was projecting onto her, and letting go of those has really freed me up. The book I Need your Love Is that True? Helped me so much with this. That book is by Byron Katie.

Speaker 1: 12:31

But also realizing a lot of the mindsets that I've learned over the last like 10 years, but especially the last couple of years with Imogen she's been a fantastic teacher for me. Those mindsets have really, really, really helped. They're the mindsets that are in my video course. So there's a link in the description below. If you want to grab that, you can pay a dollar for it. Pay whatever you want for that, but on top of that, if you would like more help with any of this stuff, you guys and girls know where to find me. I got coaching. Links are below.

Speaker 1: 12:57

But it's been such a beautiful transformation for me, you know, realizing that I don't have to fix my partner, I don't have to fix her moods and in fact, there was never really anything to fix in the first place. Whatever your goals might be whether that's money, relationships, sex and dating, fitness, health, friendships. Whatever, we are here to help you make those beautiful goals come to life. Ed did it, taylor did it, harry did it. None of them are special. If you're listening to this, you know you're capable of more than you're currently giving. You already want something more than what everybody else around you seems to be content with. You want to achieve more, be more, give more to the world. You know it and I know it. You're destined for something beautiful. Click the link to the coaching in the description below and let us help you get there. Happiness starts today.