Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells

Less sex = you're less of a man?

January 11, 2024 Andy Wells
Kill Your Inner Loser / Andy Wells
Less sex = you're less of a man?
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

How to deal with feelings of "not being man enough" if you're inexperienced or a virgin.

How to Get Laid in 6 Weeks (Even If You're a Virgin/Inexperienced):

Previous episodes in this series:
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 5:

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Speaker 1:

Ladies and amazing human beings. Andy, here I went from depressed and suicidal to living a life of abundance and joy. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too. I have done a couple of episodes now on pain points and struggles that guys go through when they don't have a lot of sexual experience, and if you haven't listened to them already, I really recommend you listen to them before this episode. I'll leave links in the description below to both of those and so the pain points that I want to tackle today. The first one is a general fear of being judged or ridiculed by other people for your lack of sexual experience or your lack of skill. And this fear, you know, is often a fear that women will judge you. It might be a fear that other men will judge you, and in both cases what it really is is a fear or it's your own judgment projected onto other people. If you're afraid that someone else will reject you or someone else will judge you or someone else will mock you, it's because in your head you're mocking yourself or you're judging yourself. You know the man who is truly comfortable and happy with himself. He doesn't really care if somebody else judges him. Obviously he'd rather people be nice to him. But when you're truly happy in yourself and you're okay with who you are, it doesn't really matter to you that much what other people think, because you like yourself and so your opinion is the one that matters. So the solution is pretty obvious, there, isn't it? It's learn to like yourself, learn to appreciate yourself, and some things that can help is one of my favorite exercises, which is write a list of 50 things about yourself that are likable. So you literally write down 50 things about yourself that are good qualities or positive qualities, things that you have to offer Because you're trying to show yourself. Look, maybe I don't have a lot of sexual experience, or maybe I don't really know what I'm doing in the bedroom, or maybe I'm even a virgin, but I have all of these other positive qualities. You know, it's not just about my sexual experience. I have so much more value as a human being. I have so much more worth. I have so much more to offer, and you do. Literally everybody listening has something to offer, a lot of things to offer. So write that list down and get very clear about what those things are. On top of that I mean, it's kind of obvious, isn't it. But go and get more sexual experience, and a big part of that is giving yourself permission to suck at the start, you know, embracing the fact that you might not be amazing in the bedroom if you haven't done it very often or if you're a virgin and just going into it with an open mind and curiosity and a willingness to learn and explore and grow. In the previous two podcasts I talked a ton about this, so again, I would recommend you go and listen to them. I give actual actionable advice, so I'm not going to repeat all that here, but it's basically just going to it with an open mind and slowly improve your skills. In my tinder guide my free tinder guide, which is just on my website at killyourinnerlosercom In the free tinder guide I talk a lot about how to actually get better at foreplay, how to get some practice, how to become good at sex. I've got plenty of content about that in particular. But another thing that I want to put out there is, I promise the vast majority of women are really fucking nice and they're not going to judge you for your lack of experience or your lack of skill, especially not if you actively embrace it, If you're just honest and authentic and you keep it real and you say, look, I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm super keen to explore. I'm really excited. I can't wait to try some stuff from my bucket list. Tell me what's on your bucket list and we can try a lot of that stuff as well. That's exciting to a woman. It's you owning it. It's you having, ironically, the confidence to admit that you're not confident, or the confidence to admit that you don't have any skills yet, but you're going to practice. But if you're ashamed of it and you try and hide it, or you try and pretend that you know what you're doing, or you're just terrified that she'll find out, that's not sexy. That's you being ashamed of something that isn't your fault. It's not even a bad thing. You just don't have a lot of sexual experience. It's one of those things where, in order to get sexual experience, you have to be inexperienced at the start. And so accept the fact, accept where you are right now and accept the fact that you're going to be inexperienced for a little while until you get the experience. You know it's almost like a catch 22. And so literally own that and say, yeah, of course I'm inexperienced, I haven't done it before. It's like a child is inexperienced at tying their shoelaces before they learn to do that. You wouldn't mock them for not knowing how to tie their shoelaces. They just haven't done it before, and once they do it a few times and get decent at it, hey, now they know how to tie their shoelaces. It's the same with you with sex, but it can be very tempting to put all of this value judgment on ourselves and say you know, I'm a bad person or I'm a waste of space, or I'm not masculine or I'm not good enough just because I haven't had sex. No, the truth of it, the objective, neutral truth, is you just haven't had a lot of sex. That's it. That's the statement. You don't have to add extra stories and extra narratives and extra crap on top of like. I haven't had a lot of sex and therefore I'm not mad enough. No, you just haven't had a lot of sex. End of story. That's the end of the sentence, and then the next sentence is so I will go out there and get some more experience. That's it. As for how to do that, like I said, improve yourself. Go out there and talk to a ton of women. I covered how to do this or what steps to take in the previous two episodes. But along with this fear of being judged by women or by other men, there is a sort of greater fear that a lot of people have, where it's almost like a fear of not living up to I don't know expectations of what it is to be a man. You know societal expectations or culture or in the media or what you just envision in your head what a real man is like, and defining yourself by that and saying I don't have a lot of sexual experience. You know I haven't had a lot of lays, therefore I'm not enough of a man. And I've had people say some wild shit to me, like on my YouTube channel and, you know, in coaching, where they say I'm not a real man until I've had sex with 50 women. And it's like what the fuck are you talking about? You can be a first of all. 50 is an insanely high number. Like understand that the average sexual partners for the average man is about seven, so 50 is fucking insane. Like congratulations, your top 0.0001% if you have sex with 50 people. Not that I would define yourself by how many people you slept with, but it's such a rare thing to sleep with that many people. But second of all, you're reducing yourself, you're objectifying yourself, you're cherry picking just one aspect of yourself or your accomplishments. I guess you could say, and you're saying that is how I'm going to define myself as a man, and it's like that's so one dimensional, literally, it's just one dimension of you. There's so much more to you than that. There's any number of variables or successes or goals that you could define yourself by. How kind are you to other people? How much money do you have? How many friends do you have? How happy are you? How peaceful are you? What accomplishments have you done? How much do you play sports? How well do you sleep? What is your appearance like? How much muscle do you have? We could sit there and define 10 billion different things. How much do you help the homeless? How close are you to your family? How self-aware are you? How enlightened are you? We could sit there and come up with 100 different facets or ways to measure yourself, metrics to measure yourself by. And if you only pick your lack of sexual experience, if you just pick that, well, yeah, of course there are other people out there who've had more sex than you. By the way, and I said this in the previous episode. There are people out there who have more money than you have, had more sex than you, have a bigger dick than you, have more muscles than you Like. There will always be someone out there who beats you in any metric that you can define yourself by, you know. The same obviously applies to me. I wrote this article many years ago where I had this big epiphany where I was like I don't think I'm the best man that a woman has ever slept with. Like if I just pick a random woman who's had sex with you know more than I don't know two or three guys I'm probably not the best guy that she's ever had in every single domain. Like, maybe he had a bigger dick than me, maybe he had more muscle than me, maybe he had more money than me. Like I can pick any metric and she's probably dated a guy or slept with a guy that's ahead of me in that domain or, if you want to phrase it like this, better than me. I don't think anyone's better than anyone else, but you know there will be someone out there who has more money, bigger dick or whatever it is, and so I'm not the best. I don't need to be. What if I can just be me and aim to be a little bit better over time? And so that feeling of I'm not man enough or I'm not good enough because I haven't had a lot of sex, it's you comparing yourself to other people, what's a far kinder thing and a far more effective thing to do too. If it is sex that you want, it is literally more effective for you to focus on yourself and aim to be 1% better each week, or 0.1% better every single week, just a tiny little bit, and be the best you that you can be. I mean, fuck, you don't even have to be the best you that you can be. I'm definitely not the best, andy, that I could be. There's like a billion things I could improve, a billion ways I could be better, but I don't give a shit. I'm doing a pretty good job. As long as you're doing decent and you're just trying to improve over time, hey, that's fucking beautiful. So aim to be a decent version of yourself and aim to be a little bit more decent every single day, and don't worry about other people who've had more sex than you. Don't worry about societal or cultural expectations around male sexuality, because the human tapestry is. You know, this beautiful maze of different threads, and we're all different beings and we all have our own different successes and our own different. I don't like the word failures, but we'll use that word failures. We all have our own flaws. We all have our own strengths, like we're all just completely different people. And to say that you're not enough of a man or you're not good enough or you're failing or something, just because you haven't had sex, there's people out there who've had 10 times less sex than you, even if you're a virgin and you've never even talked to a woman before. There's people out there who've never even seen a woman. They live in some crazy remote village or something. There will always be someone that is a little bit more behind than you are or, if you want to phrase it like this, they're worse off than you. And when you're sitting there comparing yourself to people that have had more sex than you okay, we got to be fair and balanced about it Compare yourself to people who've had less sex than you. Or again, if you're a virgin, compare yourself to people who've talked to less girls than you, or who are more overweight than you, or who have even less chances or options with women than you do. There will always be someone better off than you and there will always be someone worse off than you. That is something you can pretty much rely on forever. You know, we don't live on an island, we're not by ourselves. We live in a society, man, and that means gonna age very poorly, isn't it? We live in a society, men, and there will always be people out there around you to compare yourself to. So I say stop that game entirely. Like, what is the point of comparing yourself to someone that you're not? You're not that person you didn't live their life Doesn't matter if you're better or worse than them. There is no better or worse. That's the real epiphany to have. But focus on you, focus on improving yourself, and you're only really in competition with yourself. Right, your past self you're just trying to be a little better than that. Your future self you're working towards something beautiful. And your present self You're focusing on enjoying the moment, being here, being grateful, really focusing on this, because obviously this moment in time is the only moment that there is. The future hasn't come yet in. The past is already gone. So Aim to be the best you that you can be, or aim to be a decent you and then slowly improve that Over time and at the end of the day, you know, here you go. I'll put it in a bite size, little nugget for you fuck what society thinks. Fuck what expectations of male sexuality. Fuck how many partners you're supposed to have. Fuck what anyone else in the self improvement community might tell you, or you know any pickup artist or anyone else who might say you know, you have to have sex with this many women in order to be a fucking top G or whatever like. Fuck that, you know, you do you. You just aim to have a little bit more sex, if that's something that's important to you, and aim to be a little bit better than you are today or then you were yesterday, if that's something that's important to you. Another sort of pain point or fear or problem that comes up a lot I'll just phrase it like a pain point that comes up a lot is feeling like you're looking at Pornography to sort of fill that gap in your life where you're you're almost using it or you are using it as an unhealthy sort of coping mechanism to manage your sexual frustration. Obviously, the less porn that you're able to look at. Okay, I'll just speak for me. The less porn that I look at, the happier that I am, and I can say the same of most of my friends and my clients. But don't take that as an excuse to judge yourself or be yourself up or, you know, make up some big problem and go fuck. Man, I'm looking at porn. Is this big bad thing? Oh God, I have to fix it. You know, I've seen so many people first of all beat themselves up like crazy for their porn use, and then the second thing that I see all the damn time is guys going, you know, and they don't ever admit it to themselves. But you know, this is what's happening. They're feeling all this fear and anxiety around going outside and talking to women or going on online dating apps and talking to women, and so to almost procrastinate and avoid that they will go. Well, I need to quit my pornography use first. I need to give up porn. I need to do no fap, you know, which is where you don't jerk off at all. When I get really good at that, then I'll go and talk to girls and it's like, no, you won't, you'll just spend the next two years Trying to quit porn. But a big part of quitting an addiction, and this just comes from the alcoholics anonymous program. You know the 12 step program and about a million other ways of dealing with addiction. Any fucking psychologist will tell you this you don't just quit the addiction. Understand that the addiction, whether it's porn, whether it's video games, whether it's food, binge, eating, whatever it might be your addiction is serving a purpose. You're not looking at porn because you're a fucking retard. You're looking at porn because you feel lonely or sad or bored or tired or grumpy or stressed out. Well, you just want to take the edge off or you want something to look forward to, your depressed about your life and you know a million different reasons. But understand that porn is there for a reason. You're not looking at porn, like I said, because you're fucking idiot. You're looking at porn to make yourself feel better. You're looking at porn to go into a higher energy state. You're looking at porn because you want to feel good and porn is a distraction. It's a dopamine hit. It gives you a little bit of serotonin, it gives you all of these chemicals that make you feel better and distract you from your life. So you don't look at porn because you're stupid, because you're in a dip, you know an addict or something. You look at it because it serves a purpose, and so figure out what that purpose is for you, for you, and that will be unique for everyone. But I gave you some suggestions. You know, might be sometimes because you're bored, sometimes it might be because you're lonely, sometimes it might just be because you're horny. You know, sometimes it might be because you had a big day at work and you just want to take the edge off. Figure out what that Is, what that trigger almost is, or why you're looking at the pornography. And then you get in there and you find healthier coping mechanisms. Or you build a life where porn isn't something that you think about as much, because your laughs too awesome and porn would get in the way of that. And so right now, if your life sucks, or if you're not happy with your life, of course you're gonna look at porn and play video games and drink alcohol and all of that like why the fuck wouldn't you? That shit makes you feel better. And so, again, any psychologist will tell you this. This is the basis of the twelve step program. So you gotta have a higher purpose, man. And that can be something like God, that can be something like spirituality. That can be something like I just want to mission. You know I want some goals to work on. It could be something like I'm gonna lose some weight. It can be literally anything like literally anything. It could be. I want to be kinder to people outside and so the time that I was spending on porn I'm gonna go feed the homeless or I'm gonna go work in a soup kitchen or I'm just gonna go help old ladies cross the street or something. I'm gonna go up to random strangers on the street and give them a compliment, like any freaking mission or goal. It doesn't even have to be a big mission, it can just be something tiny, like I said, of like I'm just gonna start losing a little bit of weight and I'm just gonna go for a walk for like half an hour a day. It makes the porn or whatever other addiction you might have. It makes it less enticing and it doesn't necessarily mean that you immediately go holy shit, I don't want to look at porn ever again. Wow, I'm cured. Thanks, doc. No, it can be a gradual process. You're sort of rewiring your brain and if porn is something that you've used for a long time, like a lot of us grew up with pornography since we were, you know, like teenagers. Basically, if it's been your go-to vice or your go-to thing that you grab to feel better, then you have to sort of rewire that, and that can take time, and so for a little while, replacing it with something else might not feel as exciting as porn. Like if you're used to using pornography to cope with your feelings of loneliness. The idea of going outside for a walk, which lots of people will suggest, that, right, like even psychologists will say, try exercising. It's like, bro, exercise at the start is not going to be as enticing as porn. Right, it's like saying to a heroin addict hey, have you tried having, you know, some cereal? Cereals, really tasty, it's almost like heroin. It's like fuck off, no, it's not. And so at the start it doesn't feel as enticing. And so give yourself permission to suck with building this new habit. But I promise, over time, as you look at a little bit less and a little bit less porn and you start to do these positive habits, you know, have some friends, go out and play some sports, go exercise. You know, have some sort of high-emission, do something that makes you and other people feel good, even go outside and start talking to some women, like, start taking some action on the goals that you have and that higher purpose, and then the pornography starts to be a little bit less, and then a little bit less, and then a little bit less. And On that note, that's what I, that's the general advice I give to people when they say, hey, I want to quit porn. I First say, first of all, what are you gonna fucking replace it with? You're not just quitting porn. What are you gonna do then? Just sit around doing nothing with all this new free time that you're gonna have? No, you're gonna replace it with something. So what is that thing you're gonna replace it with? Why don't you just start doing that now? And then the second thing I say is aim to reduce your porn over time. You can go cold turkey if you want to. I just haven't really seen many people at all who've been successful with that. I can think of a couple of exceptions. I've had a couple of coaching clients. Even they're just literally one day quit. I don't know how the fuck they did it, because nobody else that I've seen seems to be able to do that. So it is possible. I'm definitely not seeing it's impossible. But I've seen it be way more effective to aim to reduce your porn. Or you can make it a fun game where you go. Let me see how many days I can go without looking at porn. And so if right now you can only go two days without looking at porn, awesome, that's your current record. Do that and then aim to go one more day on top of that. See if you can go three days and do that for a while. You know, do that for a month of just going three days then looking at porn, then going three days Then looking at porn. And once you're pretty good at going three days, try going four days and build that into a habit and then try going five days and you can just slowly reduce it over time. This is what I say all the time right, progress, not perfection. Again, if you are able to cold turkey, quit, that's amazing, beautiful, do that. But if you try that and that doesn't work, I wouldn't even say to try that. I wouldn't suggest trying that as your first stop, because I think that you know it almost always doesn't work the first couple of times you try and then you feel like a failure because you set this Impossible standard that you were somehow going to be perfect, but I would set the goal to just do it a little bit less over time and then, before you know it, you might only be looking at porn once every week, once every two weeks, once a month or something like that, and you're like, hey, I don't really mind that I look at it once a month, or you might, in that position, be in a better position to go Okay, I'm only doing it once every two weeks, fuck it. I think, man, I want to try going once a month, and then I want to try going once every two months. Like I think I'm in a really good place. I can maybe get it down to basically never really looking at it, or only once in a blue moon, once every six months or so. That would be fucking amazing. So, yes, I understand the Enticement of going. I'm gonna quit porn and I'm gonna do no fap, and then that will give me all this energy to go outside and actually fix my or improve my sex life and start meeting women. But often, almost always, I see that I see people using that as a procrastination because really they're scared to go outside and talk to women and, as I said in the previous two episodes, again, go listen to the previous two episodes because I gave a ton of like actionable advice of what to actually do. But I promise that most women are so unbelievably nice and when you go outside to hit on them they're gonna be so freaking nice to you and most women are. Dating apps are pretty damn nice as well. You know, the only time I would say don't expect women to be nice is if you're in a club and everybody's drunk. Yeah, I wouldn't tell you that people in clubs and nice, it's not that they're horrible, but you know alcohol is a drug and people can go a little crazy with that sometimes, but For the most part, most places that you're gonna meet women to absolutely unbelievably nice. And so if you have all these fears of rejection and you're using no far poor quitting pornography as an sort of an excuse or an avoidance of going outside and talking to women, just start small, just go outside and think about talking to women. Do that for a week or two and then try just saying hello to one and giving them a compliment and then go from there, you know, jump up to hey, you're really cute. I just wanted to say hello for a little, for a second. I'm Andy, hey, can I? You know I'm in a rush right now, but can I grab your phone number? We could grab a coffee or a drink sometime. You know, just do that for a little bit and then you can slowly add in a little bit more conversation as you get more comfortable, and that's all you really need to do. You know I never really did anything fancy with any approaches. I literally would just say, hey, you're really cute. Or hey, you're really attractive, you're really pretty, you're really hot. Whatever I wanted to say, I'm Andy, I talk for one or two or three minutes and then I'd say you seem really cool, like, can I grab your phone number? We can grab a drink or a coffee or something. You don't have to be amazing with it, but you don't have to use quitting porn or doing no fap as a convenient excuse to avoid doing the thing that you want, because ultimately, if you're here to improve your sex life, you want to be talking to women. You probably just get to do it, and the only thing that's gonna make you feel less scared it's not quitting porn. Quitting porn doesn't make you less scared to talk to women. It doesn't give you more energy to talk to women. You don't need energy, you just need to do the thing. The thing that will give you more energy is getting comfortable at doing the thing. So it doesn't take so much motivation and willpower. The only way you get comfortable at doing the thing is by doing the thing. So I promise you Going outside and talking to 20 girls over the next couple of weeks will do way more for your energy levels and your motivation and your willpower in your sex drive. Then no fap or no porn could ever do. I promise you that. I've seen it in so many men. You know. Go outside and just try and talk to some women. It doesn't matter if it takes you Two months to be able to talk to a single woman and I promise it won't. You do it quicker than that. But even if it took you two fucking months, congratulations. You went out there every single day and you were out on the front lines. You embraced your fears. What a fucking legend you are. So I hope this helps. As I said, I will leave a link to both or two links to both of the previous parts I did On these sort of limiting beliefs in these pain points and stuff that inexperienced guys feel. But I promise you you know, even if you're feeling really inexperienced, even if you don't know what you're doing, you can absolutely have sex. You can absolutely improve your sex life. I will link. In the last two episodes I linked to my video course, but this time I'm going to link to the book that Cam and I wrote on how to get laid in six weeks, even if you're a virgin or inexperienced. So I'll leave a link to that. Covers how to you know work through your nervousness, how to work through your fears, how to meet women outside, how to meet women online dating at night. You know all the different ways you can meet women what to text them, what to do on a date, how to get them back to your place, what to do if you're nervous. You know how to be honest about the fact that you're inexperienced, how to have great foreplay and how to have good sex and all that sort of stuff. So I'll leave a link to that. You can pay whatever you want for that, even if that's just one dollar. So check that out. I promise that you're capable of having sex, no matter how inexperienced you are. As always, ladies and gentlemen, go out there and crush those damn goals.

Overcoming Sexual Fear and Judgement
Improving Yourself and Avoiding Comparison
Understanding and Overcoming Addiction
Improving Sex Life for Inexperienced Men