Navigating Different Opinions

Speaker 1 0:01

Ladies , gentlemen and people who hunt for the right answer .

Speaker 1 0:08

I did a video on my YouTube channel recently yesterday interviewing Caleb Jones , and if you're not familiar with him , he does similar sort of content to me . He was one of my mentors , one of the people I learned the most from , and he advocates for non-monogamy . He believes that open relationships are the best way to do things , and it's what he sort of encourages people . Now he's also a big libertarian , and so he makes it very clear that he's not telling you what you need to do , but he's just saying I believe this is the best way of doing things and this is what I advocate for . And if you don't agree with this , don't watch my content . You're probably not going to like me , but there was a comment that somebody wrote basically disagreeing with this interview that I did with Caleb Jones , just completely arguing and saying , like you know , i don't believe you . You're wrong . Monogamy is the best way of doing things . Every other thing is wrong . Blah , blah , blah , blah , blah . Monogamy is the way that we should be doing it , and I wanted to have a general sort of conversation here about not getting yourself caught up in arguments that don't fucking matter .

Speaker 1 1:11

I did a podcast a long time ago called Everybody Has a Different Rulebook , and it's a concept that one of my old friends gave me , where he basically said there are no right or wrong answers . Other people are just navigating life with their own set of rules , their own rulebook , and so they will have their own values , their own preferences , their own things that matter to them , their own opinions , and that's sort of their rulebook , their map of the world of how they navigate life . And that's beautiful . That's kind of the magic of life . There is that we all have different opinions . We don't have to agree with each other . You know , caleb Jones might say one thing , i might say another thing , you , the audience or the person listening right now you might believe something else , and that's fucking magical . There is no right or wrong answer .

Speaker 1 2:00

The pain comes or the suffering comes when we listen to somebody else's rulebook or we hear them tell us their principles or the things they believe , and then we say that's wrong . That only invites suffering , pain , arguments , misery , and it isn't very self-reinforcing . What I mean by that is the time that you spend arguing with other people , the time that you spend saying this person's wrong or defending your own opinion just because someone else had a different opinion , that time that you spend doing that , that just invites , like I said , pain and suffering into your life . It doesn't feel good And it certainly doesn't get you the life that you want .

Speaker 1 2:43

A question that I would ask yourself is do I want to be the kind of person like ? like ? which of these two scenarios would I rather ? Would I rather , every time someone has a different opinion to me , i get upset , i get frustrated , i get angry , i feel like I have to argue and I feel like I have to defend . Or would you rather be the kind of person , or rather feel or go through life as the kind of person who , anytime someone else has a different opinion to you

The Pitfalls of Defending Your Opinions

Speaker 1 3:09

, you go .

Speaker 1 3:09

Hey , man , namaste , that's beautiful , awesome , great , i'm glad that you have that opinion . My opinion is this beautiful , let's go our separate ways . Awesome , what you think is an easier , smoother road through life ? Also , which one do you think nets you more friends , more positive interactions with other human beings ? Which one do you think gets other people on your side more ? Which one do you think gets other people in your corner rooting for you as your biggest cheerleader ? Which one do you think nets you more success and more people around you that want you to be successful .

Speaker 1 3:42

Which one leads to less arguments , less drama , less fighting ? Which one leads to you not having to defend your position , which is a position of weakness . What I mean by that is not that the opinion is weak , but when you sit there and defend your position , you're not going to be able to defend your position When you feel personally attacked just because someone else has a different viewpoint or a different philosophy or a different way of navigating the world . When you feel personally attacked by that to the point where you feel the need to defend , do you think that that's a strong opinion ? You are basically telegraphing to yourself and to the other person , but that doesn't really matter . It's more what you're telling yourself . You're telegraphing to yourself . I don't really feel that strongly about my opinion . I think I do , but that's just my pride talking or my ego or my defensiveness . It's actually a sign of insecurity or instability in your argument if you feel the need to defend it when nobody even personally attacks you . They were just stating an opinion in a video or on the internet and you felt the need to personally defend it .

Speaker 1 4:45

I really hope that this doesn't come across as me criticising the person in particular that left the comment , and I've had multiple comments about this . Every time I have Caleb Jones on and so has Caleb Jones on his channel Talking about non monogamy gets a lot of people very angry . I'm not personally calling anyone out , and I might actually give this podcast to the person that left the most recent comment , because I'm trying to make this helpful . But we are talking in generalities here and this is something that I've done too . I have defended my own position . I know exactly how it feels . It doesn't feel good and it isn't necessarily the person that I want to be , and if that doesn't resonate with you or any of you , great , keep doing what you're doing . But I just know that the path that I'm on is one where I don't feel like I have to defend my positions because , again , it feels weak . It doesn't feel good to me to feel like my positions are so shaky , so wobbly , so wavering , that I have to defend less .

Speaker 1 5:47

They be taken down , like the man and the woman as well , but the person that is so comfortable in their own decisions and comfortable in their own rulebook and comfortable in their own opinion When somebody else has a different opinion , the person who's comfortable just goes beautiful man , that's fucking great . I like what I'm doing . You're doing your own thing , fucking beautiful . And even if someone directly attacks your opinion , if you're really like , if they literally say now , your opinion is stupid . Which guys , how many times do you think I've had my opinions fucking disagreed with ? Look at the kind of content that I'm doing . Look at the relationship that I'm in .

Speaker 1 6:26

I've been called everything from a fucking pervert to a society ruiner , to a sexual deviant to fucking just every horrible thing that you could ever say . I've been called a woman abuser . I have been called the next Andrew Tate . I've been called a misogynist , which is hilarious because a lot of my content I directly talk to women and it's self improvement . I'm trying to help people but I've been called every horrible thing you can think of . I've been told to kill myself , like God knows how many times . At this point , imagine if I felt the need to defend all of that . I would just get myself so bogged down .

Speaker 1 7:02

And now I'm in a beautiful position . Maybe it's a privileged position . I don't like to use that word because I think the word privileged is just overused in current society . I'm very grateful for the position that I'm in as a content creator , as someone who has chosen to put myself out there . Over the years , yes , i have gotten such a ridiculous amount of negative comments that I've sort of steered myself to it . I've had the ability to practice what I'm talking about here , which is being OK with other people having different opinions and some of them not even phrasing it that nicely . When they do give me their opinion , sometimes it's not particularly lovely how they talk , and so I'm in this nice position where I've gone through that and I've learned to deal with that and I've learned to embrace it and be like hey , this is fucking beautiful , i love that you have a different opinion , and I've said as much to a lot of comments .

Speaker 1 7:51

I've had a lot of comments where people say you are the reason society is falling apart . Literally , it's you . You having sex and you not committing to your girlfriend and being monogamous like you are the downfall of society . And I just go hey , man , that's fucking beautiful that you know what you want . You want a monogamous , traditional relationship . I fucking love that man . I'm going to be cheering for you , i'm going to be rooting for you . I want you to have that . Here's 10 or 20 relationship videos that I've done . Hopefully these help you build the most amazing monogamous relationship that you can ever have . Like Namaste , motherfucker , go for it . Awesome , i'm going to be over here having my open relationships . And if you think that that means I'm ruining society Beautiful man , i love that . You have that opinion , that's fucking awesome .

Speaker 1 8:31

I actually have a different opinion , but hey , fucking great . And I don't really engage in the argument , because why do I need to ? I don't care if that person hates me . I don't care if that person disagrees with me . I literally don't care if they think that I'm the fucking demolition of society . And so getting caught up in these arguments or feeling the need to defend it's really that . it's like feeling the need to defend It only causes your position to feel weaker to you because you feel like you have to defend it . You're basically telling yourself that your opinion or your position or your principle is fragile , right , and like a wind would a gentle breeze might blow it over Someone .

Speaker 1 9:09

Having a different opinion on the internet might mean that my position is less tenable . No , like , steal that opinion inside yourself . In other words , fully embrace it . Be okay that this is your opinion , and other people might have a different opinion . Fully embrace that . Hey , this is my philosophy and this is my rulebook and this is what I want . And then , with that , come from a place of love when you talk to other people , or when you talk about other people and say , hey , it's beautiful that you have a different opinion Fucking lovely . I really like my opinion . I really like my position . You really like your position . Fucking great . Let's be brothers rather than let's be enemies , or rather than let's debate with each other .

Speaker 1 9:49

When you debate , or in other words , when you defend your idea , you don't win . You think that you're winning , but that's your ego and your pride at play . The best outcome that you can ever hope for . When you defend and when you argue and you know when you say this person is wrong The outcome that you're hoping for is that they or other people either they say , yes , you're correct , i give up , like find you win the argument , or you're hoping that other people will jerk you off and say , yeah , you're correct . Man , like great argument , you're 100% correct . I 100% agree with you , dude . Like good job . You've learned nothing that All you have done is stoke the fires of your ego , stoke the fires of your position , and you haven't actually learned anything . Nothing happened . You didn't grow .

Speaker 1 10:38

In fact , you probably , in the defending and the arguing , close off your mind because that's how we work , right ? When we're in the middle of an argument or when we're disagreeing with someone , or when we're defending , we literally close down our mind . We become less open-minded And so you are less open to new ideas . In fact , you're probably completely fucking closed off to all new ideas . And the other person might actually have a little grain of truth in what they're saying . What they're saying might actually benefit you if you looked for the gold nuggets in what they're saying . But because you're in a position where you're defending or you're in a position where you're arguing or telling them that they're wrong or trying to state your point , you're not even looking for those gold nuggets of truth . You're not looking for how their information can help you . In other words , you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater , as the English saying goes , which basically just means they might have some good information , but you threw it all out because you said , nah , it's all fucking like that . And so if you instead go hunting for the overlap between your philosophies and theirs . In other words , if you listen to what they say and say , okay , what can I learn from this , then you benefit . But if you're sitting there trying to be right or you're trying to argue or trying to defend , you don't learn anything .

Speaker 1 11:53

And so we do this thing where we think we've won right . Like we argue , we defend , we state our point . It's very eloquent , and I have done this so many times , guys , that this isn't me picking on anyone in particular . I do this myself . I've gotten pretty damn good at not doing it as much anymore , but I still do defend from time to time . And then I will go through like an hour later and read what I wrote and I'll just delete the whole thing . I've done that lots of times over the last , like you know , four years . I'll just delete the whole fucking thing And I'll go why the hell did I argue ? That was stupid . Like I'll delete it . And then most of the time the person hasn't read it . And then I'll just write something nice to them . I'll be like Hey man , beautiful that you had this opinion . You know , i have a different opinion , fucking Namaste . Let's go our separate ways . And then we're brothers , we're friends , we're now not enemies . So that's another benefit .

Speaker 1 12:39

Right , when you defend , you make the other person the attacker And you sort of attack back as well . Like , in defending we're often attacking . It's less likely now that you will be friends with that person or learn from that person or interact with that person . You kind of just arguing . And we see that a lot on the internet , right , like , people generally speaking aren't friends on the internet . There's lots of friends on the internet , but lots of the time people just argue on YouTube comments . You know as this you know initial comments sort of started this podcast on Twitter . People argue on Reddit . People argue like people do argue a lot on the internet . Again , there's lots of friends on the internet , but there's also lots of arguments And so you're closing the door and making it so that that person won't really be your friend .

Speaker 1 13:22

I had a comment yesterday on my channel actually , which is really fucking interesting . So a guy left a comment and said it was on a video where I talked about criticism And I said exactly what I'm saying here in this podcast . Right , i basically said in this video you know , when you get criticism , just see the other person as a fellow human being , as a friend and try and see if there's any wisdom in what they're saying and try and write a nice comment back . Or if you know if it's a really mean comment , just don't say anything back . If it's really abusive , just you know you can mute them or whatever . But try not to ever argue , try not to ever defend , and this is something that I'm pretty good at .

Speaker 1 13:58

If you check my YouTube channel and there might be one exception somewhere , in fact , i'm genuinely interested if anyone can find an example where I like fully argue , like I'm talking , like I write paragraphs and I'm like really defensive and like that . I don't think you'll find an example . You might , but I really think like you'd have to go searching for again . I'm really curious if someone can prove me wrong and find like a couple where I've done that , i'd be really curious and I'll probably delete those comments after you show them to me genuinely , because I don't , i don't want it to , i don't want to argue with people . You know what I mean And yeah , like I said , i might have slipped up from time to time . I know I have over the last four years , but for the most part , let's say , it's been 99% , either positive , or I just say nothing at all , because when you slip into those arguments , yeah , you just make the person the enemy . So anyway , back to this comment that I'm talking about .

The Importance of Positive Communication

Speaker 1 14:49

A guy left a comment on one of my videos and said you know , you mentioned criticism in this video . Man , you're 100% right . I myself , in comments , have criticized you more than I have ever praised you , and you have always tried to take it to a very mature and professional stance and you've always tried to teach me some lesson out of it or give me some value or some information . That is rare And I really appreciate it . I really appreciate you for it . So beautiful fucking example .

Speaker 1 15:16

Now imagine if I defended with this particular guy . Imagine if every time he said something negative , i defended Like we , probably , he probably would have written that fuck . Well , he definitely wouldn't have written that comment right , he wouldn't have said like Hey , man , like I appreciate you , thank you . Like this is now someone that I can have . I mean , we're not going to be like best , i can't predict the future , we're probably not going to be best friends , but like this is now a person that , like we can have a nice little fucking relationship with . You know what I mean , and I have countless examples of this where people have said like man , i was a dick to you And you were really nice back , i'm sorry , man . Like I was just having a bad day And you didn't even argue with me or defend . I like that . Like , i like that your comment section is positive and that you're always nice to people And if you ever don't want to talk to someone , you just say nothing . Like I fucking like that . I've had that countless times And so those people are now my friends .

Speaker 1 16:05

But when we sit there and defend or argue , we really do close that door , because we as humans are emotional creatures And if somebody sees you defending , like if you're very defensive or you're even arguing or debating and a lot of people use the word debate when really they're just arguing or being defensive It's why I don't really get into debates , because it just devolves In my mind . It always just devolves into like okay , now we're not on the same team And you close that door and the other person is less likely to ever fucking help you , especially when we're talking about someone like Caleb Jones in particular , whose entire mission is to help people . And if you argue and defend and he's a pretty rational , he's not very emotional , but I'm telling you , as a content creator , i am less likely . I am infinitely less likely , and he is too And every content creator will tell you this infinitely less likely to help you if you're a defensive person , because I think what's the point ? you're just going to argue with me . My breath , my words are going to be wasted on you . So why would I help you ? And not that you want , like an audience that just circled , jerks you and tells you that you're wonderful all the time , although that's nice too , like that's fucking wonderful . I tell you guys that you're wonderful . It's nice when that comes back to me . But , generally speaking , i am going to help the people that praise me or say nice things or at least just are neutral , right , and maybe have a slight disagreement here or there , but like , don't feel the need to tell me that they have a massive fucking disagreement with my rulebook . Because , at the end of the day , this is the thing you've got to think .

Speaker 1 17:37

In all this effort that you're putting in , that that you know we put in because I've done this too , like I said , in all this effort that we put in defending or arguing or debating or whatever , do we even stop to ask does the other person care ? It's a question that we often forget to ask ourselves , right , like it doesn't even occur to us . Like wait , does the other person actually give a fuck about my opinion ? Or is this like a zero cent , zero dollar opinion ? Like is the other person just going to see that I wrote you know five paragraphs or whatever and just glance at it and be like , no thanks ? Like does the other person care ? Especially if we're talking someone like Caleb Jones or me ?

Speaker 1 18:13

Like we're busy , we have a lot of shit to do . We have a lot of people in our corner that support us . We're going to value their opinion . We have a lot of people whose opinion we respect and trust because they're either further ahead than us or they are on our level , or they've earned our loyalty , or they have great opinions and they've proven that . Like , we trust them because they've earned that trust and that respect , we're going to listen to them . We're not going to listen to the comment from the person that we don't know and that's not an attack on anyone in particular , of course , but like it's worth when we feel that defensiveness rising up or that need to defend . It's worth just first asking wait , what is this actually going to achieve ? Will the other person read it or give a shit ? Probably not . Will it help me in any way ? Probably not .

Speaker 1 18:58

I am just proving to myself that my opinion is a little wobbly , that I don't actually truly , deeply , passionately , believe in my opinion Like it's . I haven't integrated my opinion into myself and I'm in those early stages of an opinion where I feel like the need to defend Like fuck , everyone's attacking my opinion . I have to defend it , otherwise it'll be under attack and it'll get ruined . That's not strength , that's definitely not stoicism . And so what am I actually getting out of arguing ? I'm just making it so the other person is less likely to ever help me . I'm ostracizing myself from them . I'm making it so that my own opinion feels weaker to myself .

Speaker 1 19:34

Subconsciously , i am fueling the fire of my own ego and my own pride , and pride is just ego . And I'm sort of just wasting all this energy in this time when I could just take a deep breath . And this takes practice , guys . This absolutely takes practice . This has taken me a ridiculous amount of time , which is why I'm grateful that I've had so much practice with my audience and with content .

Namaste

Speaker 1 19:58

But you take that deep breath and you go Namaste , beautiful , you have a different opinion to me . I love that . I fucking love that My opinion is different to yours . Your opinion is different to mine . Namaste , let's hold hands and be brothers . Let's hold hands and find the similarities in our rule books or our philosophies or our opinions , and then we can be brothers , then we can be friends . Like everybody on this planet is your brother or your sister , everybody on this planet .

Speaker 1 20:25

My grandfather used to have this saying . He used to say all the time he'd say , son , we're all children of God , and I thought he was just saying some hippie religious shit . But over the years I started to realize like fuck man , my granddad was actually really wise . Like , yeah , like we are just all earthlings , we are all one , we're all a tribe . But we often divide each other or divide ourselves from other people by saying their opinion is wrong . They believe something different to me , they're a leftist and I'm a right-winger , they're a conservative and I'm a liberal , they're this and I'm that . They're tall and I'm short , blah , blah , blah .

Speaker 1 21:00

Like we find ways . I mean , fuck , we definitely do it with the genders , right . How many women go like men can't be trusted , and then how many guys go like women are all bitches . Like we find ways to ostracize ourselves just because that's how our mind works . It's not good or bad , it's just how our biology is right . We're very tribe-like creatures And so we're often hunting for that tribe . We're trying to make tribes out of essentially one big , beautiful tribe . We're trying to divide and conquer , in other words , like that's why we do it , but we're all fucking children of God . Or if you don't believe in God , we're all children of the universe . Or if you don't believe in the universe and you think this is all a simulation , we're all fucking bits and bytes all together , like we really genuinely are . And this is why I've said this in so much content .

Speaker 1 21:46

I don't argue with people Like and if I do , and again you might find some examples of it But I try not to ever argue with people And I definitely don't get into like internet drama And I don't do like reaction videos to what this person said And this is drama and like oh my God , i can't believe that this person did this . And I don't call other YouTubers out And I've had so many offers to go on debates . Probably the best example is like playing with fire , who I love to be . Alex from playing with fire is just such a kind fucking man . He's been so unbelievably good to me . I absolutely fucking love him to bits and his girlfriend Natty Oh my God , what a wonderful fucking human , what a wonderful pair of human beings they are . They've just both been so unbelievably kind to me and to Imogen . But a lot of his content he really likes to get into debates Like he just loves that . He really fucking loves that . Another good example is someone like Destiny . If any of you know Destiny , you know the kind of people that likes to debate because they just do , they genuinely love that .

Speaker 1 22:48

But I've been asked so many times by Alex , you know , from playing with fire hey man , we got this debate coming up , do you want to come on ? Like I think you'd be great on there . And I've just said to him like , hey , man , like I will do , i'm down for any collab you want to do . And I've been on his channel , i don't know like four times or something , and he's been on mine like two or three . I'm like I'm so down for any collabs you want to do And I've got two collabs with him coming up in the next month . But I don't want to ever do debates because I just think I wouldn't be what you're looking for .

Effective Communication and Emotional Regulation

Speaker 1 23:18

Like , if someone else disagrees with my opinion , i'm going to be that boring Buddhist monk who's going to be like , hey , man , that's fucking beautiful . Like I love that you have that opinion . And the person is going to go , yeah , well , like what do you believe ? And I'll be like , well , i actually believe . Like something completely different . And they'll be like well , you're wrong . And I'll be like yeah , man , maybe I am wrong . Yeah , but I fucking love having my opinion , dude , like my opinions fucking just serving me . Great , i love it , man , but I love your opinion . Maybe sometime I'll try your opinion and see how it goes . Like I might play around with it . Yeah , man , like isn't it beautiful that you're doing that and I'm doing this and we both seem to be pretty fucking happy . Isn't that amazing ? Like I would be the shitest debate because I wouldn't like I don't know how to debate . Well , that's not true .

Speaker 1 23:59

Sometimes I , like I said I sometimes every now and then I feel the need to defend , but I do the work on it , i do some deep breathing and I go no , i don't need to defend my position , because I'm just weakening my position . I'm weakening my own belief in my own position if I argue . So I don't do debates . Instead , what I do and this is kind of the actionable advice I think I've given plenty of actionable advice in this podcast but here's the real actionable advice Whenever we feel the need to defend , or whenever I feel the need to defend , what has really really , really helped me is to , like I said , take a deep breath , go away from the computer .

Speaker 1 24:39

Don't fucking reply immediately like take a day if you need to . I call that hitting the pause button . I say yo hit the pause button , just hit pause . Wait until your emotions die down . Then you can hit play and decide what to do , but hit that fucking pause button .

Speaker 1 24:53

Don't respond when you're emotional . I in my own life , have figured out it took me many , many years , i figured it out , maybe , i don't know , like five years ago When I respond or when I react when I'm emotional . I almost always regret it And I think , if we're honest , i think most of you would say the same thing . It's not that you have massive regrets , but you would probably do something a little differently . And so think about that If you would do something differently when you're calm , when you don't have the emotions to how , versus how you react when you are emotional , which one do you want to be ? And I don't know about you guys , but I always want to be the person that responds the way he would when he's calm .

Speaker 1 25:35

And so what I've just told myself , in those emotional moments where I want to defend , i want to argue , i want to attack , i will say to myself am I going to act ? am I going to wish I acted differently ? once I'm relaxed and calm and sober of thought , like clear of thought , clear of mind , am I going to act differently ? Am I going to say something differently ? And almost always the answer is like , yeah , i probably will . Okay , let me wait until that moment , let me calm down , let me hit the pause button and let me wait . And so what I would do is I would do that first . When I feel the need to defend , i will hit the pause button , i would chill , i will let the emotions go down , because I still get emotional . I'll be very clear about that . I'm not a Buddhist monk yet . I want to be one day . I'm not completely stoic yet . I want to be one day , but I feel emotions . I just don't react .

Speaker 1 26:20

Or I guess I do react in the action that I take is to hit the pause button and say , okay , okay , i need to get the fuck away from the computer , i'm not going to type anything out . Hell , sometimes I even do type things out and then I just don't hit send . So you can even type something out and then don't hit the send button on it and then just delete it all . Or like go away from the computer and say I can come back to this an hour from now or two hours from now , however long it takes , and once I'm chill , once I'm calm , if I agree with what I have typed out here , i can hit send . But if I look at it and go like you know what , i don't care anymore , because that's what happens a lot of the time .

Speaker 1 26:57

You even see that in arguments Someone will write a long fucking paragraph or like 10 paragraphs of argument . Then the second person will come in and write 10 paragraphs of argument And then the first person will say what do they say ? You guys , i know you've seen this The first person who started the argument will then come in and say , oh man , i don't even care anymore . It's like , yeah , look , that's an admission that you were writing in a very emotional state And once the emotions go down , you actually think that this argument is stupid . You see that sometimes too , they're like bro , i don't want to argue with you , it's silly . And it's like it wasn't silly when you wrote 10 paragraphs In your mind it was the most important thing in the entire world , and now you don't care anymore .

Speaker 1 27:34

What you're doing there is , you're training yourself that I'm an emotional vehicle . All I do is I exist just for emotions . I just only react to emotions . I'm clumsy , i'm awkward . I just say like random fucking shit that I don't actually believe in , because my emotions , like I , got a bit hysterical Again . I don't know about what you guys want , and you can want whatever you want , but I just know in my own life personally , i don't want to be that emotional drama queen or drama king . I want to react as much as I can from the place of calmness and stoicism .

Speaker 1 28:03

So back to the actionable advice , the first step that I do . I feel that emotion rise up and I hit the pause button and I chill and I go away and I just have a little think , or I think about other shit , and then I come back later . And then the second thing that I do is and I hinted at this before instead of looking at their argument or their opinion or their philosophy or their rulebook , instead of looking at it and just seeing it as wrong , i look for the little gold nuggets in what they're saying . In other words , if you imagine a Venn diagram and you have two circles in one circle is their opinion , in the other circle is your opinion Those two Venn diagrams have a little bit of overlap in the middle . But what we do is , because this is the way our biology works , because we're tribal creatures , we will say those two circles don't intersect at all . Those two circles are miles apart from each other . In other words , my opinion is right and nothing about their opinion is similar to mine .

Speaker 1 29:07

And you see this a lot , especially in politics . If you go on the Internet , you will see everybody on the left telling everybody on the right that they're wrong , and then you'll see everybody , not everybody . You'll see lots of people on the right tell lots of people on the left that they're wrong , and so lots of people on both sides are telling the other side you're wrong , you're stupid , everything you do is evil , you're the downfall of society , you're the reason that fucking the next Hitler is in charge , and both of them will say that the current president , whichever side he is on , is the next Hitler . You know , trump is fucking Hitler . Joe Biden is like an incompetent Hitler . They don't see any overlap .

Speaker 1 29:45

And so what I do is I look for that little overlap . And there is , and this might blow your fucking mind there is always overlap , no exceptions . If you go hunting for it , if you try and tell the story of the overlap , if you look for the overlap and sometimes you need to be a little bit creative , because your emotions are getting the best of you and you're really angry and you you feel attacked from the other person and you feel like the need to defend . It's really hard to see that overlap . And so this takes practice , this takes stoicism , this takes the work , it takes letting go , it takes meditation , it takes Buddhist philosophy , it takes humility . It definitely takes you letting go of your ego and the need to be right . It definitely takes you letting go of your pride and the feeling that a lot of us have , and I have this from time to time that everything you think is correct and everyone else is wrong , like that's kind of just how we are as humans . It's very tempting for us to believe that our opinions are correct and we're never wrong and everybody else is wrong . You let go of all of that , or you do your best to let go of all of that , and that's practice . That takes practice . I'm not perfect at it And then you just try and see if there is any overlap . And again , there is always overlap , always . And if you can't find the overlap , here is the overlap . You'd be like a hippie Buddhist , you know little namaste monk , And you say , okay , we have completely different opinions , but one thing we both agree on is that we like our opinions , and so we are both human beings that have found something that we like or that we believe , And so that's what we have in common . We are both human beings who very much deeply care about our own opinions . Wow , actually , i guess we do have something in common , and so you can find something in common with your greatest enemy . You all , technically , have something in common with Hitler .

Speaker 1 31:37

Hitler was a man who believed an idea very passionately . A lot of you believe your ideas very passionately . Hitler was a very principled man , now very fucking misguided , obviously , and the way he went about it was maybe not the way that most of us would go about our plans . Right , like , executing several million fucking people is maybe not the way that most of us would go about our plans , but there is a lot of overlap in that Venn diagram with even someone like Hitler . And now you may not want to go there . That's obviously a very contentious statement that you had a lot in common with , or you had anything in common with Hitler . A lot of people just go no , hitler was pure fucking evil . But if you're willing to look for it , if you're brave enough to look for it , there is an overlap in that Venn diagram . You could also probably go hunting for things like Hitler was a man that wanted love and just didn't fucking get it . But hey , i want love , holy shit . There's another thing we have in common . Hitler was something that cared about his hobbies . He was obviously passionate about art . I care about my hobbies . And now again , you may not want to go down this rabbit hole of like let me explore what I had in common with fucking Hitler , right .

Speaker 1 32:43

But you can see how , even the most extreme example like that , you can , if you're creative enough , look for the overlap . And so the same thing here . If you have someone whose opinion you disagree with or his rule book you don't abide by , you can still find that beautiful little overlap in the middle . And then when you state that and you don't even have to state that to the other person , you can just say nothing . But if you do decide to state that to the other person , as in hey , here is the overlap that I see in our Venn diagrams . Here is where I believe you believe the same thing as me .

Speaker 1 33:18

What you often do is completely disarm that person . They then don't feel the need to attack you , they don't feel the need to defend their opinion , because now you're not attacking their opinion And , as I pointed out in that comment that I read out before , i have had so many people criticize me or debate with me or need to defend their own opinions with me And because I have just said hey , man , here's the fucking overlap in our Venn diagrams . Here's what we both believe And I love that . You believe your thing and I believe my thing . That's beautiful . I have had so many of those people completely fucking lose their fangs , completely disarm themselves and completely just stop and go . Yeah , man , you're right . I've had so many people say I'm sorry , i was a dick . I've had so many fucking people just soften up and become some of my biggest advocates or my biggest friends .

Speaker 1 34:11

I have another more personal , in real life example of this . I used to work a lot of retail jobs and I love retail jobs to bits . And when I was much younger I think I was like 20 , 21 , something like that It was just after all my depression years and after I got out of prison , i worked at Target for a year And there was this woman that came to the counter and she was really fucking angry , like really angry , i kind of remember , about what , it doesn't really matter , but she was just really rude and really angry And I was nothing but absolutely polite and empathetic and understanding And I just did this like Venn diagram thing . I looked for the overlap in our Venn diagram . So rather than saying , man , this customer is a bitch , which so many people say in retail , right , they're like retail is the worst job ever . Customers or assholes like no , i didn't do that .

Speaker 1 35:04

What I did is I looked for the overlap in that Venn diagram and I stated that to her . So I said , hey , i can see this is bothering you . Yeah , i get really bothered by stuff like this too . So I get it . Like I completely get it . I'm the same as you . Yeah , like I literally said I'm the same as you , i'm the same as you . I get really bothered by this shit too . And she kind of softened a little bit , but she was still angry . You're still kind of rude . And she continued being rude .

Finding Common Ground in Customer Service

Speaker 1 35:27

And the entire time I just kept saying like , yeah , i get really I get a bit like upset with people too . So , like you know , i don't even mind . Like fucking vent it all out . Like I'm completely fine with that . I'll make it clear , while I'm solving her problem , i am solving her problem while she's doing this , and I'm like , yeah , i'll get this solved for you . Like , don't stress . Like , yeah , i get fucking pissed off about this too . I hate having to come in and fix stuff as well . Like I just want you know , i'm the kind of person that just wants stuff to be done Right The first time I get that this really wasn't done the first time , i would be annoyed about this too . Like I get it , i completely fucking get it . I'm just fixing it now . Just give me a minute . But yeah , like trust me , i get this .

Speaker 1 36:03

And about halfway through the interaction , maybe after like five minutes , she just completely fucking melted , like she just completely softened And she literally said to me I'm really sorry that I've been really rude to you . And I was like , no , i get it . Like I'm rude to people too sometimes . Like I get it , like it's all good , like this is bothering you . I get I'd probably be rude to like it's all good , like I get it , i completely get it . In other words , we're the same , like we're overlapping on that Venn Diagram . I get emotional too . I've been rude before . Like I can think of examples where I haven't been nice to customer service stuff and they didn't do anything wrong , and so I even said that to her . I was like I've been rude to people before . I get it , it's cool , like we'll fix this , it's all good . And by the end , shit , you know .

Speaker 1 36:48

She said who is your manager ? And I was like , well , technically I'm the manager of this department , but do you want the store manager ? And she said , yeah , i want to put in positive , like I want to do some sort of feedback form or something and say that like you've been really helpful and amazing . And I was like that's just like fucking love . Like I can go and do that if you want , but I don't really need that . Like just you saying that to me is fucking amazing .

Speaker 1 37:12

And the point is like this person who started out as my enemy or she thought I was the enemy , so I guess , like you know she was attacking I was able to , by looking for that overlap on the Venn diagram , i was able to turn her into probably one of our biggest advocates . Like she'll probably go home and tell her friends and family holy shit , like the people at Target are really nice . Like there was this boy there and his name was like Andy or something And he was just like really nice to me . Like you know , i was a little bit grumpy , i was , i'll be honest , i was a little bit angry , but he was just like professional and nice and like empathetic and like I don't know , he just made me feel good . I don't know why , but he just made me feel good Because I was looking for that overlap in the Venn diagram .

Speaker 1 37:53

You know , if I had have defended , how do you think that conversation would have gone ? How do you think that interaction would have gone If I had have given her like a five paragraph answer of like why it's not target's fault , and you know cause ? I don't even know if it was a fault . I honestly don't remember what she was unhappy about . But imagine if I defended and said well , madam , like you don't need to speak to me like that , like I see I don't know if you guys have these in other countries , but ever since the lockdowns and all the COVID bullshit in 2020 and 2021 and 2022 .

Speaker 1 38:25

Every , not every , but like man , like it feels like 75% of retail shops in my country in Australia now have signs everywhere saying do not abuse our staff . Abuse will not be tolerated . You need to be nice to our staff . And they're very like aggressive signs and they're up everywhere And these signs did not exist before lockdowns , before 2020 . And so they're a recent phenomenon , i think , because people were very emotional and angry during lockdowns and when I see those signs , which are a fence , are basically defensive . They're defensive signs . The signs are defending . I feel in myself an image and has said she feels the same thing . And all of my friends I've asked all of my friends they've all said , yeah , i feel the same thing .

Speaker 1 39:09

It's weird When we see those signs , which are very fucking defensive , almost to the point that they're like aggressive signs , like it's not , like they're like hey , please respect our staff , cause , like you know , we all love each other . No , they're not like that . They're like abuse will not be tolerated , do not speak really to our staff or the police will be called . They're very aggressive letters . Every time we see those signs up , we feel in ourselves this weird fucking offensive or like attacking , like we feel aggression , like the sign that says don't be aggressive literally makes all of us feel a tiny little bit of aggression because it's defensive , it's a defending sign , it's an argumentative sign . It is treating us , the customer or the person , is treating us , the human being , as if we've done something wrong or as if we're about to do something wrong , as if we're bad people or as if what we're doing is wrong , because it's a defensive sign .

Speaker 1 40:02

And so imagine if I had taken that same tone with this woman , this woman that came in that was very angry and rude and grumpy . Imagine if I had said madam , don't talk to me like that . How dare you ? like , madam , i deserve better than this . Abuse will not be tolerated . Do I need to call security ? madam ? Like , do I need to call security ? Do you think her problem gets solved ? No , do you think she de-escalates and goes ? oh , you know , i'm sorry , okay , i'll chill a little bit . No , she just gets more fucking fired up and says you fucked up . How dare you tell me how I should respond ?

Speaker 1 40:31

I can think of examples when I've been on the opposite side of it During lockdowns , when all the COVID bullshit happened , there were several businesses , lots of businesses , that would not let me in because I hadn't been quite vaccinated . We could have a whole discussion on how it's not actually a vaccine but that's a separate fucking discussion for another day . But we had vaccine passports And so basically every business wouldn't let me in or my girlfriend or any of my friends , right ? So many times I would just be like , look like , can you please just serve us . Like we'll be in and out like a pro , like I would start gentle and I would be nice . I'd be like , can you please just let us in or out , and they would just immediately get fucking aggressive , like probably because they were emotional and they didn't like what they were doing , they weren't proud of what they were doing . It obviously doesn't feel good to literally segregate parts of the population Like that obviously can't feel good , you can't feel proud of that . And so they immediately got aggressive and defensive and argumentative and just mean a lot of the time . What did that do to me ? When they immediately started getting rude and they're like sir , do I need to call security ? You need to leave right now .

Speaker 1 41:41

Like very aggressive , when I was being very calm and very polite at the start And it was not always calm and polite , but at the start I was like I was fine , i was calm . That just made me want to escalate , that made me want to go oh , are we going to have a little fight now , bitch ? Okay , let's have a fucking fight now . I'm now going to be belligerent , or I'm going to leave and leave you a one star review , or I'm going to tell all of my friends fuck that business , don't ever go to that business . There comes And there's some businesses that I have to this day never gone back to , three years later , because , like you were particularly fucking rude and you didn't need to be , because I started out pretty calm And so I've been on both sides of this and I've seen how defending or getting into these big arguments instead of seeing the other person , as on your team I've seen how it can often just lead to escalation , or now both of our minds are closed off and we're not learning anything . And what's the fucking point . So I'll start wrapping up soon , but that's my actionable advice to you guys and girls Look for the overlap in that Venn diagram .

Speaker 1 42:43

In other words , look for the little gold nuggets in what they're saying , and basically every human being on the planet has something that we can learn from them . Feel less of a need to defend your own position because you're just telegraphing to yourself that this position isn't very strong , that you don't really . You haven't really fully internalized your arguments or your philosophy . I guess I would say You feel the need to defend it . You only need to defend something because it's weak . Think about it . Do you feel the need to defend the Grand fucking Canyon ? Do you feel the need to defend something that's big and strong and made of steel and isn't going anywhere ? No , because you're like yo . That's fine , but you feel the need to defend the endangered animal . You feel the need to defend the helpless little child . You feel the need to defend the disabled person . You feel the need to defend someone younger or weaker than you because , by admission , it's weak or it needs strength , it needs protection .

The Power of Not Defending Arguments

Speaker 1 43:34

And so when you protect your own arguments , when you defend against your own arguments sorry , when you defend your own arguments you're basically telegraphing to yourself This thing is weak , it's defenseless . I don't actually believe it . I want to believe it , i'm desperate to believe it , my ego and my pride want to believe it , but it's kind of tenuous , it's a little wobbly . And so you actually strengthen your own arguments when you don't feel the need to defend them . It's something I felt in myself very strongly once I got to a point where I was like I'm not going to argue anymore . And that took me a long time . It's probably only happened in the last , like two or three years . But when I got to that point where I made the conscious decision to stop arguing And if someone disagreed with me I'd just say Hey , man , that's beautiful that you disagree , i actually noticed that my arguments felt stronger , or my opinions , my rulebook , my philosophies felt stronger , literally as soon as I stopped arguing . And so you , i promise , if you try this all of you you don't have to try this , but if you try it , you will find that your arguments actually feel stronger , your opinions actually feel more integrated into you . You actually feel more pride , i guess you would say , but integration with your ideas and your philosophies when you don't defend them . So I hope this has been helpful .

Speaker 1 44:47

Again , none of this was calling anyone out in particular . This is something that's come up a lot . It's something that I myself , you know , have struggled with . It's taken me a long time . Like I said , i'm in a really beautiful position where I do a lot of content , and so I've had so much practice at not defending and I've seen how it just feels better to not defend . It really , really , really does If someone else has a different opinion to you . Namaste , that's beautiful . Now let's look for the overlap in that Venn diagram and see what we both have in common , because , after all , we are all just children of God . I want you all to go out there , fellow children of God , work on those goals , achieve big things , live a life of abundance and joy , be kind to your fellow human beings and , above all , have a great time doing it and crush those goals .