Speaker 1: 0:00

Ladies, gentlemen and anybody else, andy, here I went from depressed and suicidal to living a life of abundance and joy. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too. One thing that comes up in my coaching I guess in my content as well is people being unhappy with their sex life, and rather than making this a general podcast, I think I'll home in on just male perspective for this one. Here's a few different sort of like pain points or things that guys struggle with when it comes to their sex life, particularly if they're not happy with it. I'll go through each one, I'll kind of answer it, I'll give a little bit of advice and we'll have a bit of fun with this one.

Speaker 1: 0:42

The first pain point that comes up a lot is just a general lack of self-esteem and a lack of confidence because of that lack of sexual success. I guess, and a lot of men, a lot of people, but a lot of men in particular, define their self-worth by how much sex they have had or their ability to have sex, and I went through this myself when I was younger. I think a lot of guys do, I think a lot of people do, but particularly men. And if it's confidence that you're feeling like you're lacking. There's two ways to get confidence. One is sort of the fake way or the bravado way, where you pretend to be confident, fake it till you make it. That's one way of doing it. And then the second way is to actually just get competent, to actually do the thing for long enough, where you suck at the start, you don't know what you're doing. You get a little bit better and then at some point you're actually pretty decent at it. You've done it a fair amount of times. You kind of know what to expect. You've failed and I don't believe in failure. I think there are no failures, there are only learning experiences. But you've quote failed and made a bunch of quote mistakes and you've seen that nothing bad happens if you're not perfect. That's what confidence is. Confidence is seeing that nothing bad happens if you're not perfect, seeing that everything will be okay, seeing that the worst that happens is you feel a little bit silly or it's a little bit awkward, like nothing terrifying happens just because you're not amazing in the bedroom or amazing with the opposite sex, and then, through seeing that nothing bad happens, you develop some confidence. Confidence is basically a feeling of I will be okay no matter what happens. That's what confidence is. Confidence isn't being perfect all the time. People get that mixed up in their head. They think confidence comes from just being James Bond and being perfect literally all of the time. No, how the fuck would you ever even do that? Confidence is realizing that it doesn't matter whether you're perfect, it doesn't matter whether you look silly, you don't really care, you'll be okay.

Speaker 1: 2:45

As for self-esteem, there are a million ways to increase your self-esteem, and having more sexual experiences obviously one of them, but at the same time, there are a million internal things that you can do. My favorite exercise that I give to people, especially my coaching clients, is get out a big piece of paper, or you can write it down on your phone or your computer or whatever, and come up with 50 things about yourself that are likable, in other words, 50 qualities that you can see in yourself. And you don't have to write all 50 all at once. You can take your time with this. It's okay if it takes you months or years to write the list of 50. You can slowly just add to it over time and if you really struggle to think of anything, ask your friends and family and say what is likable about me, like I'm looking for objective qualities about myself that are likable, and then on top of that, reading self-help books, obviously watching my content. My video course is literally there to help improve your self-esteem the play to win video course there's a link in the description below to that but Any of these different tools to increase that self-esteem, and then obviously just going out and having more sexual success helps with your self-esteem.

Speaker 1: 3:51

And not just that, but the self-improvement that you do along the way. It's Learning to fall in love with yourself. It's developing a bunch of traits or qualities in yourself that you can then come to admire. You know, maybe for some of you that might be losing weight. You might have a lot of weight and be very heavy and in the process of losing a lot of that weight to then make yourself more Attractive to the opposite sex. You come to respect yourself because you're like damn. You know it took consistency, it took Effort, it took intention for me to lose this weight and I did it. Damn, like this isn't a small thing. This is pretty impressive. Like damn, I kind of admired that about myself and your confidence and your self-esteem starts to increase and obviously along with that, as you improve your looks, as you improve your ability to talk to the opposite sex, as you just start putting yourself out there and Doing all of the things that I talk about when it comes to self-improvement, you will start to like yourself a little more and guess what? The opposite sex will like you a little more, and so self-esteem and confidence Due to lack of sexual success is something that's very, very, very Improvable. I mean, that's what most of my content is there for right. I'm there to help you improve. If you want a really good starting point, like I said, grab the video course, the pleated win video course. You can also check out my Tinder guide, which is completely free. It's on my website, so just go to kill your inner loser comm. There's a big button at the top and on the sidebar that links to the Tinder guide, and the first chunk of the Tinder guide, like the first you know Quarter of the Tinder guide is about self-improvement, like literally how to improve your appearance, how to improve your confidence, how to improve your ability to talk to people, all of that kind of shit.

Speaker 1: 5:33

Another pain point that I see that comes up a lot is when you feel like you're not comfortable or happy with your or sexual success or your sex life. It's often very tempting to compare yourself to other people that are that either are more successful with sex or you believe that they are. And the reason I'm making that distinction is often people will look at other people and just make assumptions and assume like, oh, this guy or this girl must be having so much sex, and sometimes that's not the case. People definitely do that in college. They assume everybody else on college campus is having a fuck ton of sex and it's like no, the reality is the vast majority of people on College don't really have sex. They're awkward, they're inexperienced, they're socially, you know, a little bit Uncalibrated, a little bit unconfident.

Speaker 1: 6:21

Because you've just come out of school and school doesn't teach you how to interact with other people. It literally doesn't teaches you the opposite teaches you that strangers are scary and that you should just stay within your own click and you shouldn't talk to people that you don't know, because it's dangerous, because you might get bullied or people might say that you're weird. And so you go into university and you don't. You don't know how to talk to the opposite sex. A few people do and those people tend to hook up. You know, maybe they are the party people, maybe there's the sorority people, maybe they're the jocks or any of these people. Some of them know how to talk to the opposite sex and they do pretty well, but the vast majority people don't.

Speaker 1: 6:59

But anyway, back on topic, it's often very easy to compare yourself to others that you feel are more successful than you and and realize you were not yourself until you did that. That when you do that you're not really making a fair comparison. Like, first of all, the other person isn't you, so it's not a fair comparison. In the first place, you're comparing apples to oranges. And then the second point is often when you compare yourself to someone who might be a little bit more successful than you, they had to put in a ton of work to get to that point, and so what you're seeing when you look at them Is the product of years and years and years of self-improvement.

Speaker 1: 7:36

And if you're early on in your self-improvement journey, that's not a fair comparison. That's like comparing a child to a 50 year old man and saying, hey, how come the child can't tie their fucking shoelaces, but the 50 year old man man, he's awesome at tying his shoelaces. He's like a god at tying his shoelaces. He can do it blindfolded. He doesn't even have to think about it. Man, he's done it 10,000 times. It's like, yeah, cause he's older, he's been doing it for longer. That's not a fair comparison. And so the same with sex, right?

Speaker 1: 8:06

If you compare yourself to someone else, especially if you compare yourself to someone who's clearly put in, you know work and time and effort and intention, you know like maybe like me. This is why I say don't compare yourself to me. I've been doing this shit for like the better part of 10 years and, if we count myself, improvement in general, like overcoming depression and all of that. I was working on that stuff when I was like 21. So I've been working on general self-improvement on and off for the last 15 years. And so if you're early on in your self-improvement, especially if you're younger than me or anybody else that you're comparing yourself to, that's not a fair comparison.

Speaker 1: 8:43

If you want to compare yourself to me, compare yourself to who I was at the start. I was depressed, I was suicidal. I literally went to prison for a little while when I was 19. I wanted to die every single fucking day of my life. Compare yourself to that person. You probably doing pretty good compared to that person. That was me at the start.

Speaker 1: 9:02

Or compare yourself to me when I first started trying to get laid. It's like I didn't know what I was doing. I was so awkward, I didn't know how to be honest, I didn't know how to be authentic. I was terrified of rejection the first you know like 20 women that I ever tried to hit on. I was so nervous that I was like shaking and I felt like I was gonna throw up and I forgot my name one time. You know, there was all this sort of fear and terror there. I wasn't good at it.

Speaker 1: 9:26

And so you compare yourself to that person. I mean, really, I'd go one step further and say don't compare yourself to anybody else because you're not them. It's not a fair comparison. They have an entirely different life story than you. They have different preferences, lift, different likes and dislikes, different strengths. They are literally a different human being than you. So it's not really a fair comparison in the first place.

Speaker 1: 9:50

And what I instead recommend or like to do is I focus on myself and who I used to be in the past and I compare myself to that. I don't really compare, but like. If you want to do this. If you want to do this, if you're hell bent on comparing yourself to other people, compare yourself to your past version and say am I a little bit ahead of where I was in the past? Do I want to go back to who I was in the past? And I have to forget everything I've learned and all the experiences I've had since then. And if the answer is like fuck, no, I don't want to unlearn everything I've learned over the last like you know couple of years, then congratulations, you've made progress and now all we're doing is just making a little bit more progress.

Speaker 1: 10:28

And if you feel like you haven't made any changes, if you feel like you aren't in a better position than you were a few years ago, then awesome, what a beautiful opportunity, what a beautiful amount of motivation. And, you know, fuel for the fire like get fired up, get angry, not at other people, but get angry, get fired up, get emotional. Use that beautiful energy, get angry about the fact that you don't feel like you're in a better position than you were a few years ago. Use that as motivation. That's beautiful motivation. And go out there and, you know, talk to some women or lose some weight or work on yourself, or make some friends or make some money, whatever it might be that you want.

Speaker 1: 11:06

Start taking those little initial baby steps, really, really, really small steps at the start, and then it doesn't matter who you are compared to other people, because you're on a particular path upwards. You're moving towards success. It doesn't matter where other people are in their journey. In other words, good for them. That's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 11:25

But I'm just going to focus on me, because it's not your business where somebody else is. You know what I mean. That person is doing their own thing. They're living their own life and that's beautiful. Let them do that and you just focus on you, because why you're in other people's business or why you're in this headspace of comparing to other people and thinking about other people? You're not running your own life. You're not like who's here for you. If you're over there in other people's business, if you're over there Thinking about how great their life must be, you're not here living your own life. You're not here in your own business. You're not running your own or managing your own life and self-improvement and goals and all of that. You, too busy thinking about someone else.

Speaker 1: 12:05

So the best thing you can ever do is focus on you and just aiming to be 0.1% better than you were yesterday. Just a tiny, tiny, tiny little baby step forward, and that's all I've ever done. You know, I didn't just wake up one day and know how to have sex or know how to make money, or know how to be Peaceful and happy and loving or know how to be honest. I didn't know how to do any of these things, but I just aimed to be a tiny, tiny, tiny bit better over time and I tried not to compare myself as best I could to other people, because there will always be somebody else in the world who's More successful than you in any metric. They'll always be someone in the world with more money than you.

Speaker 1: 12:45

You can be Jeff fucking Bezos with all the money in the universe, and guess what? You're not the richest man because Elon Musk has more money than you. So you're. There's someone still that's better than you. You can be Jeff Bezos, and you're still not the best. And so there will always be someone out there who has more sex than you, more easily than you, with more attractive people than you, in a more kinky setting than you, and it's better sex than you have like. There will always be someone who's more successful than you, always, that you can just count on that. And there will be someone with more money than you, someone who's happier than you, someone who's more peaceful or enlightened than you, someone who's more honest than you, always, always. And so just aim to be the best you that you can be, because there's nobody else on the planet that can be you, and so you are the only person who can be the best. You Handle that. Work on that and let other people do whatever they're gonna do and use them for motivation, use them for fuel for the fire, but don't sit there and beat yourself up because someone's ahead of you, because, congratulations You're always going to lose that game. They will always be someone ahead of you. And use them as motivation, use them as energy, use them as gratitude, use them to look at them and smile and go. Isn't that beautiful that someone's like kicking ass and they're really successful. I'm glad they're really happy. Now I'm gonna work on being happier, a little bit happier, a little bit more successful, a tiny bit at a time.

Speaker 1: 14:11

Another thing I see come up with people who aren't super happy with their sex life is a feeling of frustration or dissatisfaction With the sexual experiences themselves. So I've seen a lot of guys and a couple of women, but a lot of guys that are actually a lot of women a lot of the women the image in a night date and that I dated before her a very unhappy with their sexual experiences. Anyway, we'll focus on men for this one. So a lot of men feel very frustrated and Like the sex itself isn't very good, especially because there can be a feeling of like I don't really know how to get laid, I don't really know how to have sex, I don't really know how to keep a girlfriend and Because I have so few sexual experiences, I don't really get the chance to practice and so the sex itself isn't very good.

Speaker 1: 14:54

A couple of answers to this one. Obviously, self-improvement, putting yourself out there, talking to more women, going on more dates, getting more experience gives you more chances to practice. Second thing I'll say is if you're really Feeling like your sexual experiences aren't great, or maybe you're not happy with your level of I don't know skills or your performance, if you want to call it that I don't like that word because it can give people performance anxiety. Sex isn't a performance. It can be, but I like to see sex as an experience and I'm just open to whatever happens. And that ties into this next point of give yourself permission to suck, like if you haven't had a lot of sex or if you haven't just had a lot of chances to practice sex and to really open up and get somewhat comfortable with the process.

Speaker 1: 15:40

There might not be the most amazing, satisfying, fulfilling sexual experiences, and that's okay. You can just be present with what's happening. You can be open to whatever's happening and you can kind of let yourself off the hook a little bit and be like, look, I don't have a lot of experience, so I'm probably not gonna have mind-blowing sex right and probably don't know a lot of techniques. I don't know how to, you know, be passionate with someone. I don't know how to be kinky. I probably don't know how to go down on someone or any of these different things. That's okay. What if I just pick one thing, like one aspect of sex, and any chance I get, I'll just really hone in on that and practice that. And you can be very Honest about this with the women that you're dating. You know, I wholeheartedly I'm just deeply honest with all the women that I date and have sex with and I get all of my clients, you know, if they're comfortable to do the same thing, and so you can literally just say look, I don't have a lot of sexual experience. You know, I'm looking to practice.

Speaker 1: 16:32

I really want to learn how to just Get amazing. I want to become amazing at going down on a woman and I'd really love to practice with you. I'd love it if you tell me what you like and what feels good. I want to just become like, so good at this. I want to like. I think it'll be so fun if you and I just get really good at this thing together. I just want to give you so much pleasure. Literally no woman on the planet Okay, maybe there's an exception, but basically no woman on the planet is gonna be like oh, that sounds awful. I don't want you to go down on me and make me feel fucking amazing and care about my pleasure and spend time Getting good at going down. I'm like no woman ever is gonna fucking say that, and so whatever Thing you end up picking to get really good at like, maybe you could say I want to get really good at missionary style sex. I want to try 50 different things and explore. If you can just go into it with a very open mind and curiosity. That is how you get really good at sex and really, like I said, the 420 IQ realization is that you're not even getting good at sex, you're just being open to whatever happens. You being open to exploring, you being open to getting To trying different things, that is good sex.

Speaker 1: 17:42

I wrote this in the Tinder guide, right? I said the way you have good for playing good sex is just being open and trying new things. You don't have to be a confident God. You don't have to know the techniques. You don't have to know how to be passionate or rough or slow or gentle. You don't have to know any of this shit. It's just about saying having a curious mind, and saying what if I try this? And then what if we try this? And then what if I try this? And then I ask her how it feels, how does that feel? And she says all that's amazing and I got. Okay, cool, I'm gonna try to a little bit more. How does it feel now? Oh, my god, it's really good, right? What if I try this? How does that feel? And she goes on I don't really like that, you go, cool, I've learned something. It's about going in there with the curious mind, like you're the student, willing to learn, but too many people view sex I mean at the view, everything, but they view sex as if they have to be the expert and it's like how, the first of all, how the fuck you ever gonna be the expert? And finally enough, the person who's the expert Is the person who's the most open to learning.

Speaker 1: 18:40

A lot of people have what's called the expert fallacy, where they assume that an expert just knows everything and there's nothing left to learn. And so people bring on all this like it's almost like bravado. It's like they're trying to put on this mask of like I'm an expert and don't you dare question me and never criticize me, and I should know everything, and I should. They should never be in A question that I can't answer and I should just be perfect at everything. That's not an expert, that's a false God, that's a, that's someone who's too scared to admit that they don't know everything. The actual expert is the person who goes yeah, I know a lot of stuff and I'm pretty good, but like I'm always learning, I want to learn the next thing. I always want to be evolving, because if you don't, you'll stagnate and someone else will come along who's better than you.

Speaker 1: 19:23

This is all sort of a side tangent here, a side discussion, but the point is, if you go into sex and this is all I've ever done I go into every sexual experience, open to learning, open to trying something new, open to discovering some new technique or some new piece of information, or learn what my partner will like and enjoy, explore something new with her, explore something new in myself as well, because it can be just as much about your pleasure as your partner's pleasure, obviously, and I'm always going in there and learning. I have a bucket list of like a hundred thousand different things and that's something you can start with. If you're feeling unsatisfied or frustrated with your sexual experiences themselves, go in there with the bucket list and text this to your partners. I talk about this any woman that you're dating or any person that you're dating, send them a message after you guys have slept together once or twice and just say like hey, can you write down some things that are on your bucket list? And here's my bucket list, here's a few things that I'm really keen to try, and you can put anything on your bucket list.

Speaker 1: 20:22

You can put different sex positions you might want to try or might be something like you know something kinky, like I want to try spanking, or I want to try blindfolds. Or I want to try, like covering you an oil and giving you a sexual massage. I want to try tantric sex like I want to try BDSM. I want us to have, you know, a threesome. I want us to have someone watch us while we have sex. I want us to I don't know try this position. You can put anything that you want on there and encourage your partners to put anything they want on theirs, and you kind of just Come together and you share your bucket list with each other and every time you have sex, you just pick one thing from that bucket list and you try it. And you see how what I am suggesting that you do there is you try things that you literally don't have experience with. I am literally encouraging you to be a newbie in the bedroom. This is all I ever do.

Speaker 1: 21:16

I literally go into every sexual experience, or most of them, trying something that I haven't tried before. I am basically always a newbie at sex, and so you might be making the fallacy where you might look at me and go. Well, and he's had sex with I don't know two hundred, three hundred women, whatever it is at this point. You know a hundred or so threesomes. Man, he must just know what he's doing in the bedroom. No, every single time, almost of the time, when I go into sex, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm literally going. What happens if we try this position? What happens if I try this? What happens if we play with wax? I don't really know how to use ropes as well as I would like to. Let's try a new rope. You know, shabari, let's try something else. Let's try this. I've never used this toy before. Let's try this. Let's all go to a sex toy shop together and explore and look at a toy that we've never purchased before and buy it and use it with each other.

Speaker 1: 22:09

I'm always going into sex as a complete newbie, and so if you can have that same mindset in other words, give yourself permission to suck, be willing to look like the full who doesn't know what he's doing and I promise you won't look like a full, because most of the time your partner doesn't know what they're doing either like you're both kind of exploring, but you don't need to look like this confident expert. You know you can go into it feeling and looking like you don't know what you're doing and just be very honest about that. Like why would you lie and try and hide it? The other person can tell you full of shit and you're your genius idea. Most people's genius idea when they're inexperienced with something is to try and pretend to be the expert. It's like that just falls flat within five seconds. Everybody can tell you full of shit. You should just like faking it. You don't even know how to fake it because you don't know what an expert would actually look like. You don't know this thing because you haven't done it very much and you're not good at it, so you don't even know what to fake. You don't know how to fake. You just look like an idiot.

Speaker 1: 23:05

But if you go into it and you're fully honest and open and you say, hey look, I don't have a lot of experience with this, but here's some things I want to try. I'm so keen to try this. Do you want to try this with me? The other person goes wall. That sounds fun as hell. That sounds really exciting. And guess what you're not putting. But by doing that, by being very honest about the fact that you're not experienced with this thing. You're not putting pressure on the other person To be good themselves. You're literally allowing space for you both to be a little inexperienced or not be perfect. You hope the other person relax when you can just be open and honest and say look, I don't have a lot of experience, but I'm so keen to get some more, I'm keen to try this. Do you want to try this with me? The other person goes oh my god, that sounds amazing. Wow, now I don't have to be perfect. It's less intimidating for the other person and obviously less intimidating for yourself. And you take away this pressure for sex to be a performance. You instead just make it a fun or something that you to get to explore together and have some fun with. So If you can go into it with this like beginners mindset or this open mindset where you're like look, I don't have a lot of great experience, I'm really keen to try some more, let's do that. That's just so unbelievably helpful On top of that, to really drill it in.

Speaker 1: 24:18

Like I said, throw yourself into self improvement. It's the best answer I can give. If you're someone who doesn't have a lot of experience, sexual experience. Go out there, talk to as many people as you possibly can. Whatever number of women you are currently hitting on, hit on ten times that many, or a hundred times that many. I've seen so many people that go man, my sex life sucks and you know, on paper they there's nothing wrong with them not that there's anything wrong with anyone anyway but you know they look just like a normal average guy and they're like man. I'm having no sexual experience and so I'll say well, you know, first of all, keep improving yourself. You need to dress a little better and stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 24:57

But more importantly, how many women are you talking to each week? And the guy will inevitably say you know like I don't know, like one or two, and it's like one or two. What the fuck is going to take you like a year to talk to enough women that you're gonna meet any that are actually Single and into you and it goes far enough along that you guys go on some dates and have sex is gonna take you a fucking year. You know, in a year you would only at that rate, you would only talk to 50 women a year. That's like fucking nothing. Talk to 50 women in a week and if you're not there yet, like if you can't talk to 50 women in a week which is a lot of women, by the way and when I say that I'm including going outside and talking to women, maybe talking to some women in your social circle, maybe going to a bar if you want to Going on online dating and messaging a few girls like 50 is a decent starting point for messaging and meeting.

Speaker 1: 25:44

But If that's hard for you right now, if you just don't have any matches online or you're just not capable right now I mean everyone's capable, but you know you're not currently talking to any girls outside that's okay. Just try and start with one a week and then slowly improve. You know one a week to a week, three week you know baby steps right. And if you even can't even talk to a single woman outside I say this to all my clients there's like three guys in the coaching group right now that are literally going through this right now If you can't talk to women outside right now no-transcript Then just go outside and walk around with the intention, with the permission, like, just think about hitting on them. You don't have to do it, you don't have to actually hit on them. That's okay, but just go out every time you leave the house and think about talking to some women, like, literally, look at some women and imagine what it would be like to say hello to them. Do that for a couple of days or a couple of weeks, and every single guy that I get to do this Eventually, you know, after two or three weeks of just walking around thinking about hitting on, you know hundreds or thousands of women that they walk past At some point.

Speaker 1: 26:43

They've thought about it so many times, like literally a hundred or a thousand times, that they go fuck it, man. This is weird. Why am I just like thinking about a fucker, I'm going to do it, and then they just go up to a girl and they're like, um, hi, uh, fuck, I'm so nervous right now. Oh my God, I can't believe I'm doing this. But like you're really fucking cute and I had to say hi, oh my God, I can't believe I did this, and boom, they go. They just started approaching.

Speaker 1: 27:03

So you can start with little tiny baby steps this is what I did, but putting yourself out there talking to 10 or a hundred times as many women as you currently are and really playing the numbers game, because if you're just talking to one or two women a week, they're probably not single, right, like 50% of people immediately are not single and a huge portion after that are then not available or not into you, or you're not into them or they're just not dating right now or whatever Like they're not in a good mood. So you really do have to play the numbers game to to find a woman that will actually be single and actually give you her phone number and you guys go on a date and stuff like that. So play the numbers game, throw yourself into self improvement. Lose a little bit of weight, dress a little bit better, you know, go to the gym, just the basic shit. Groom yourself, get a decent haircut, you know, fix your teeth if they need whitening, any of this kind of basic, basic, basic stuff. But just start with that self improvement and then play the numbers game like fucking crazy.

Speaker 1: 28:00

I think what I will do is wrap up this podcast now. I have like another 15 of these different pain points that I've seen a lot with coaching clients and with you know the audience in general. But I'm going to break this into God. It'll probably be like a six part series. So hope you enjoyed this. I will keep doing plenty of these and go through these. Make it a six part fun series, as always.

Speaker 1: 28:24

Coaching is in the link below. If you'd like more help with this, we have the big, hardcore, amazing change your life coaching program and I also offer one time one hour sit down with me coaching calls for $200. There's a link in the description to both of those. I have the play to win video course as well, which helps a lot with. You know a lot of this stuff that we're talking about here today, like self esteem, confidence, comparing yourself to others, setting goals, what to do when you have rejection, all that kind of shit. So that's in the description below. You can pay whatever you want for that, even just $1, as always. Ladies and gentlemen, go out there and crush those goals and have a bloody good time doing it.