Overcoming Fear in Sexual Experiences

Speaker 1 0:01

Ladies , gentlemen and cool people . I did a podcast recently talking about some of the , I guess , pain points and things that people struggle with , especially men , in regards to having a lack of sexual experience , so I'll leave a link to that one . You can listen to it , but we'll go through a couple more things that I see come up a lot with guys that don't have a lot of sexual experience and a little bit frustrated or insecure or any of these sort of feelings . So another one that comes up , another pain point is a general fear of rejection and , I guess , anxiety related to having sex or even going on dates , and guys who don't have a lot of sexual experience are particularly scared of rejection . And it makes sense , right , if you haven't had a lot of sexual experience , if you haven't had a lot of dating experience or haven't hit on a lot of women , you build , or we build , this rejection thing up into this big , massive thing where it's like , wow , something terrible will happen if she says no to me , or it's more a fear of the unknown . You really don't know what's going to happen if you get rejected , and you're putting yourself out there , you're being vulnerable , you're putting your heart on the line , so to speak , or it can feel like that . But even just approaching a woman or hitting on her or inviting her back to your place or trying to have sex , it feels like you're putting a lot on the line and there is sort of this feeling of like please don't hurt me , please don't be mean to me , please be nice . This is really difficult for me , and I see this a lot with guys with a lack of sexual experience , and I had this myself where a woman will just be so polite and she'll be like hey , I really appreciate you hitting on me , but I have a boyfriend , but thank you . It's like so nice , like that's so unbelievably nice .

Speaker 1 1:52

But because you just haven't had a lot of experience with people turning you down or saying no , it feels like this big scary thing where you're like oh my God , she said no , she said she had a boyfriend , I got rejected . And it's like , no , you didn't get rejected , she had a boyfriend , it had nothing to do with you , she didn't reject you , she's not available , or maybe she's just not interested . It's like that's got nothing to do with you , she's just not interested in what you're offering . The same way as if I said to you , would you like a glass of water ? And you said no , thank you , I'm not interested . I wouldn't take that as a rejection , you just turning down my offer . So I have all of these podcasts and videos and stuff on my channels about how to deal with the actual rejection and how to not even see it is a rejection . Instead , you're just seeing it as the other person just telling you what they want or what they don't want , and it's got nothing to do with you . It's not a rejection as a person .

Speaker 1 2:43

But I understand that there's often this really strong emotional reaction to even just the thought of somebody turning you down . There's all this anxiety that can come from it in this fear and this terror . And , as I said in the previous episode where I was talking about you know these Pain points of guys with a lack of sexual experience . The number one thing that you can do to sort of be okay with this idea of people not giving you what you want or people saying no to you Is to just go out there and do the thing a whole lot . You know , if you go up and talk to a hundred , two hundred , three hundred women , suddenly you don't care anymore when they say no because you have enough of them say no to you and everything is completely okay and you realize that nothing bad happens and you go . The worst that happens if a woman says no to me is I feel slightly disappointed and then everything's fine and eventually you don't even feel disappointed anymore . And so going out there and just talking to more women , that's my number one suggestion for getting over this fear of rejection or this anxiety around like rejection .

Speaker 1 3:48

Along with that , there's a book that I really recommend , called I need your love . Is that true ? The book is written by Byron Katie . You've probably heard me bring this book up a thousand times . It is like the the abundance mentality book . It's . It's the book on that I don't give a fuck attitude that a lot of you are seeking . It's . It's just the quintessential guide to being okay with people saying no to you . It's . It's written by this sweet old grandmother , and she may as well be a guy that gets laid a ton because she just absolutely understands concepts of abundance and all of that kind of stuff . So Go and grab that book , go outside and talk to more women and I promise that , even if you have this really strong fear or a version to rejection . You know , even if it feels like man , it would be the worst thing in the entire world if a woman ever said no to me . I promise that feeling goes away and you eventually do become okay with people saying no to you . I promise you really do . Just need to go out and do the thing , though .

Speaker 1 4:50

You know people often come up with all of these strategies for avoiding rejection . You know , like pick up lines and different techniques and how to never get , how to make women chase you so that you don't ever get rejected . You know , like all of that kind of stuff , and at the end of the day , people are going to say no to you . No matter what , like even if you're a rich celebrity , there will be people that just don't want to have sex with you or they're not available . They have a boyfriend or something , and so people are going to say no to you , and the sooner that you can be okay with that and eventually learn to love that , because when somebody says no to you , they're actually saying yes to themselves and what they want , and that's amazing . But the sooner that you can get to that point , the easier this whole thing gets and it becomes fun , you know , when you're able to see it not as a rejection , but instead just as part of the process or something that happens in order for you to go out and find the people that you do end up spending time with , all that want to spend time with you . This thing can become fun . It's allowed to be fun , and I think people are so focused on rejection that they don't let themselves have fun with this shit . Right at the end of the day , talking to women getting laid , the entire reason you want to do this is to have fun , right ? You want to do this because you think it will make you happier , so why don't you just be happy while you do it and find ways to enjoy the process and not be so worried about rejection ?

Speaker 1 6:12

I talked about all of this stuff in my video course as well . There's like basically an entire chapter , the entire I mean the entire video course but the entire first chapter is about what I call playing to win instead of playing not to lose , and I literally use the example of like feeling or avoiding rejection with women and I say , if you go out there and your entire goal is to avoid rejection , if you think about it . The best way to avoid rejection is is to sit at home and never talk to any woman , ever , right , and then you'll never get rejected . But you also won't meet any women . And so if we focus so much on trying not to lose , you know , if we focus so much on trying to avoid rejection , you don't give yourself the opportunity to actually win . And so if your goal is , I want to meet some women or I want to have sex , or I want to have an amazing girlfriend , the way that you do that is by going out there and getting rejected a whole lot , and again , it's not even a rejection , but you go out there and you get a whole win , a whole lot of women to say no to you , and some of them will say yes , and then , boom , you found some amazing women . So it's not avoiding rejection that we're going for . We want to go out there and have women say no to us , because the sooner we get a bunch of nose , the sooner we will get a yes . So again , all of that is in my video course . There's a link in the description to that . You can pay whatever you want for the Video course , even if that's a dollar , but this is a concept that's very near and dear to my heart .

Speaker 1 7:40

Very , very , very passionate about this idea of playing to win Rather than trying not to lose . Another pain pointer , I guess insecurity or fear that comes up a lot with guys that don't have a lot of sexual experience , is Shame and guilt and just like a general weird feeling around their own sexual desires or the fact that they , you know , want to have sex with women and sort of like this underlying worry or feeling that sex is wrong or creepy or bad , or that you're somehow using women or that it's Unethical to want to have sex , especially a lot of sex . You know , a lot of guys just have this general weird feeling and they're worried that , like the girls will call them creepy or they're worried that they're doing something wrong , they're worried about using women or any of that kind of stuff , and there's multiple answers I can give here again . You know what I just talked about played a win instead of trying not to lose . You know trying not to lose is , oh , I'm worried that I'll get called creepy . I want to avoid feeling guilty . I want to make sure I don't use women . That's playing not to lose , but what we want to do is play to win , and so you would turn

Focus on What You Want

Speaker 1 8:54

those things around .

Speaker 1 8:54

So , instead of saying , you know , I don't want to use women , what is the opposite of that ? The opposite of that is well , I want to make sure that , or do my best to make sure that the women that I date have a beautiful Experience and we add to each other's lives , and I'm better off for having met them and had sex with them , and they're better off for having met me and had sex with me . Or instead of saying , you know , I'm worried about being called creepy , I'm so worried that I'll come across as creepy . What is the opposite of that ? Well , the opposite of that could be something like I want to be super polite , I want to make the women smile , I want to just be , you know , chill and just be non-pushy . You know , if someone's uncomfortable , I'm gonna , you know , love that and I'm gonna say , hey , looks like you're uncomfortable , I can leave if you want to . I'm just gonna be like a nice , decent human being .

Speaker 1 9:41

And so , rather than focusing on the thing that you don't want , let's focus on the thing that you do want , because that's far easier to implement . It's really hard to do the thing you . It's actually easy to do the thing you . It's actually easier to do something than to avoid not doing something or to avoid something . So , in other words , or as an example , right now , I want you to not think of a pink elephant . Whatever you do , do not think of a pink elephant . Don't let there be an image in your head of an elephant . You know he's completely pink , kind of looks like Kirby . He's pink . You know , pink trunk . Don't think of that . You just thought of that , didn't you ? The entire time I was thinking you , the entire time I was talking . So you had an image of a pink elephant in your head and you were probably telling yourself , fuck , I don't want to think about this , I'm not supposed to be thinking about this . But if I really didn't want you to think of a pink elephant , I could just name literally anything else in the entire universe and tell you to focus on that . So I could say think of a blue banana . And now you're thinking of a banana and it's kind of blue and you don't know how it became blue . Why the fuck is this banana blue ? And you're kind of peeling it and it's blue on the inside . You know , you've just got in your head right now an image of a blue banana . Congratulations . I just stopped you from thinking about a pink elephant by getting you to focus on something else .

Speaker 1 11:03

The way that our brain works is whatever we focus on , we tend to manifest into reality . And that's not some woo woo hippie spiritual statement , it's literally the way that your brain works . Whatever you focus on , that's what your brain starts to bring into reality because you're obsessing about it . You know , if you sit there and you obsess about man , I don't want to get rejected . I don't want to get rejected . I don't want to get rejected . You'll end up getting rejected 10,000 times more because you won't be chilled , you won't be calm when you talk to women , you won't be funny , you won't be charismatic , you won't be normal , you won't be any of those things , because what you will be is terrified . You'll be terrified and scared and , generally speaking , if somebody comes up to you and tries to talk to you and they're terrified and scared , that sets off alarm bells or it feels weird , and there's nothing wrong with being terrified and scared when you approach . So don't get a complex about that .

Speaker 1 11:56

If I really wanted , or if you really wanted , to not get rejected as much . You would focus on the thing that you want . So you would go . I want to have a great experience . When I approach women , I'm really keen and excited to get some phone numbers . You would go into it with that energy , that excited , fun energy and happy energy , and you would go up to women and you'd be super happy and energetic and excited . And guess what , if somebody comes up to you and they're energetic and they're excited and they're happy and they're fun to talk to , you're more likely to keep talking to them , you're more likely to keep to go on a date with them .

Speaker 1 12:31

You can kind of think about this in your own life . Imagine there's two women that both look exactly the same or you're as attracted to both of them . One of them is sort of comes up to you and she's really scared and intimidated and she's just terrified and she's just kind of acting weird and shy and basically giving off vibes of like please don't reject me , please , and she's just weird . Even compare that to the same level of attractiveness in a woman . She comes up to you and she's just unbelievably excited . She's like , oh my God , like hi , how's it going ? You can't help but like her because she's just fun , she's easy to talk to . She'd just have a great conversation with her . You can tell she's super positive . Which person do you want to spend time with ? Which person are you more likely to go on a date with ? The person that's energetic and fun , because you know the date will probably be fun . You get excited that you can't help but get excited based on their own excitement . You know it's infectious .

Speaker 1 13:25

And if somebody comes up to you and they're terrified and scared the way that humans work and the way that our brains work and we have something called mirror neurons where basically we mirror to some extent whatever the other person is experiencing so someone comes up to you and they're terrified and scared . You're going to start feeling terror and scared because from a biological point of view that makes sense . If I come up to you and I'm terrified and scared , it makes sense that you immediately kick into that same gear and go , oh fuck , something must be wrong , because in caveman days , when we were evolving , during those days , if I come up to you and I'm terrified and scared , it's probably because there's a fucking lion coming to eat us , and so it makes sense that you immediately jump into fear and terror as well , so that we can go , go , go , go , go go . Adrenaline kicks in . We can fight the lion or we can run away .

Overcoming Sexual Insecurities and Performance Anxiety

Speaker 1 14:12

And so if you're playing not to lose , if you're trying to avoid being creepy or bad or anything like that , or using weird , you are literally putting out the vibes and giving her the vibes of like I think sex is wrong , I think sex is creepy , I think I'm going to use you , and then she'll go into that mindset and go oh well , sex must be wrong or creepy , or he probably is going to use me because that's what he's terrified of . And so , again , if we focus on the thing that we want , which is I want to have a great experience with these women , I want to have fun , I want to be happy with them . You don't have to be perfect with all of that . Give yourself permission to suck with that . You can slowly improve , but if that's at least your intention , you can have fun . You have the intention to have a good time . When you walk up to women and hit on them , or when you go on a date or when you have sex , man like you , just the world opens up to you really does . The sexual world the physical world , the emotional world . Women , just open up to you the sex is better . You get more of what you want . So really , really , really drill it into you . Focus on the thing that you want .

Speaker 1 15:14

Play to win . Don't play not to lose . The whole video course that I made is literally called play to win how I built a winners mindset . I really fucking recommend that for this topic , like especially with stuff like rejection just Please grab the video course . Like I said , you can literally just pay one dollar for it . But this is such an important topic to me . It's a topic I'm so passionate about because I see so many people that have just they're going about their entire life trying to avoid rejection or trying to avoid anyone ever giving them , you know , negative feedback or something , or getting a reputation or any of this kind of stuff . And when you do that , you just actually make it more likely that you get rejected or that you get that negative reaction . So play to win , go for the thing that you want .

Speaker 1 16:00

Go out there and talk to as many women as you possibly can , and I promise the shame and the guilt and the feelings of like this is wrong or this is shallow , what I'm using women . I promise that dissipates , especially if you do . You know the things that I talk about , where you focus on honesty , you focus on being upfront . You focused on kindness , you know being empathetic and all of that , and you focus on telling the truth and you focus on leaving women better than you found them and adding to their lives and all of that and all of these things are things that you can improve that over time . You know , I didn't start out super honest . It took practice , it was really scary for me . So these are just skills that you can level up . But if you have that intention To be honest and to be kind and to add to their lives , it's that intention where the good things start to manifest .

Speaker 1 16:50

And then the third pain point or insecurity of things that guys struggle with when they haven't had a lot of sexual experience is , you know , erectile dysfunction , premature ejaculation , performance anxiety , the physical stuff , right like Feeling like man . Even if I could get a woman into bed , even if I could have more sexual experience , it's not like I'm gonna last very long anyway , or it's not like I could even get an erection and I've worked with so many clients . In a ad is a really good example of that . But God , this is just like such a common thing with guys that have , like , severe erectile dysfunction or they come too quickly or any of that kind of stuff . It's such a fucking common thing , guys . So if you're feeling any of that or you're feeling the fear of that , listen , I promise it is so unbelievably normal and common . There's nothing wrong with you .

Speaker 1 17:39

I myself have had performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction so many fucking times I've lost count , honestly , like Hundreds of times maybe over the last , like you know , eight years of doing all of this . But what I do and what helps me the most , is focusing on the other stuff that doesn't involve my dick . So , again , you know we keep bringing up this concept of playing to win rather than playing not to lose , instead of going fuck , like my dick isn't working around , nervous or I'm scared . That's focusing on the losing part . Focus on the winning part . So , in other words , focus on the thing that is working . Okay , look , my dick isn't working , or I'm worried it won't work or I'm worried I'll come too quickly . But my hands are working perfectly fine . My tongue , my mouth is working perfectly fine . The rest of my body is working perfectly fine .

Speaker 1 18:26

I can go down on her , I can finger her , I can play with her , I can try some toys with her , I can make out with her , I can go really slow . I can hand her a vibrator and I really recommend that you all grab a vibrator if you're inexperienced . It's such an easy cheat code . You can grab one of the big magic wands , wand vibrators . I like the one called the doxy magic wand . You can also grab a smaller vibrator like the Satisfyer . I like the Satisfyer Pro too . But grab any vibrator and you can literally give her mind blowing orgasms without having to worry about your dick . You know , and you can make out with her . You can cuddle her , you can be gentle , you can cover her body in oil and give her like a gentle massage . You can get her to give you a massage as well .

Speaker 1 19:07

There's so many things in sex that don't involve your dick and if you focus again on the fact that your dick isn't working or you have this erectile dysfunction or this performance anxiety , you're focusing on the thing that you don't want and you're making it a big deal . And I get that it can feel like a big deal . You know , because you've told yourself stories that your dick is the most important thing and something bad will happen if your dick doesn't work and all of that kind of stuff . And you know you've kind of likely defined yourself by your dick , which is funny that you know . People always say women are the ones that get objectified . It's like no men objectify themselves as well we really do . When we focus on our dick and we make that this big fucking deal , you're reducing yourself down to just one aspect of yourself . You're saying my dick is all I have to offer in the bedroom . It's like motherfucker , like you could chop my dick off and I would still have just as good sex as I do right now . And in fact I've worked with .

Speaker 1 20:00

I worked with one particular client who had had penis enlargement surgery . But there are complications that can happen and he was one of the people that had complications and so his dick literally didn't work as in . It literally was incapable of getting hard . Not with porn , not with Viagra , not with stimulation , nothing like his dick literally was broken and he had a very exciting , amazing sex life . And you might say how the fuck did he do that ? Because he didn't reduce himself down to just his dick . He learned BDSM so he could dominate women and give them all kinds of pleasure and give them the things that they were looking for . He bought vibrators , he learned how to go down on women , he used his fingers , he lifted weights for a couple of years until he was big and muscular and strong you know the thing that most women love and he just didn't define himself by the fact that his penis didn't work . And I've had women , you know .

Speaker 1 20:58

I did a podcast with a woman that Imogen and I were sleeping with and I asked both of them live on the middle of the podcast I said yo , if you were both dating a guy , if either you were dating a guy whose dick like literally didn't work , like he was incapable of ever getting an erection , or fucking you , would that be a deal breaker for you ? And both of them , without hesitation , were like no , I wouldn't mind , as long as he did other stuff , as long as we had , you know , foreplay and we had , you know , he went down on me and I got to orgasm and stuff like that I wouldn't care , like I wouldn't care . And so if you're defining yourself just by the fact that your dick doesn't work , you're selling yourself short . You really are . There are so many other things that you have to offer , especially if we're going to talk about foreplay . Like I said , toys , just buy a vibrator and then , all of a sudden , you're a sex god . Learn some BDSM . Only some basic shit Like blindfold her and tie her wrists up Congratulations , you're now giving her an experience that's probably better than most of the experiences she's ever had . Even if you don't use your dick .

Speaker 1 21:59

I can't tell you how many times , like I said , I've had performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction and my dick just doesn't work because I'm tied or I'm stressed or whatever it might be , and I just do everything else . You know , I'll tie a woman up , I'll blindfold her , I'll choke her , I'll finger her , I'll make her orgasm 10 times . I'll just do wild shit to her , and then afterwards she'll say to me that was the best sex of my life . And sometimes I will laugh and I'll say but I didn't even fuck you . That technically wasn't sex . And she's like I don't care , that was the best sex of my life . And so you're really , really , really selling yourself short if you only define yourself by your penis . There is so much more to you . You're so much bigger than that you have all of these other things to offer . And again , if you're not good at any of those other things like if you don't know how to have good foreplay or you don't know how to have good sex go and listen to the previous episode that I did Again . I'll link it in the description below .

Speaker 1 22:54

I literally talked about how to get good at foreplay and how to get good at sex , and , more than anything , it's just be open to learning , be open to trying new things and give yourself permission to suck , like literally . That is how to get good at foreplay . Just admit the fact , or be okay with the fact , that you're not great at foreplay right now and then just slowly improve over time . That's it . It sounds so fucking basic and yet people put all this pressure on themselves that they have to be good at foreplay . They have to be a foreplay god , a sex god . How the fuck would you be that when you haven't done it before ? So I promise that I mean I haven't even said this . I promise that the vast majority of women understand .

Speaker 1 23:30

If you have erectile dysfunction , they understand . If you have performance anxiety , they get it . They feel insecure too . They have their own form of anxiety and if you're just owning that and going like , hey look , I'm just a little bit nervous , you know , some of my dicks kind of not going to work right now , but let's try some other stuff , you know , let's try fingering , let's try this . Do you want to try some BDSM stuff with me ? What's on your bucket list ? Let's try some stuff together .

Speaker 1 23:52

I promise you , the vast majority of women and I have a lot of experience with this because I've worked with so many clients that have strong erectile dysfunction , the vast majority of women if you just own it and do other things , they don't even care . In fact , they like your honesty , they like your courage , they like the fact that you didn't make it a big deal , that you didn't make it this big , weird thing to be ashamed of . Instead , you just say , hey , I'm really fucking nervous and I think doesn't work , but let's do some other stuff . I'm excited . I promise you , women are so unbelievably nice and your own fears of what they will say I kinda then , sorry , up , start that again your own fears of anything they might say are so much less kind than the actual reality of what they will say . In other words , the thoughts you have in your head about yourself are really fucking mean compared to what women will actually say to you . Most women will be so unbelievably nice and they'll say that's okay , I don't mind , I'd love to do other stuff with you . But you in your head and most likely saying , man , I'm such a fucking loser I can't even get hard , like my dick won't even get hard . You're the one that's being unkind and the other person is probably going to be extremely nice to you . That has been the case in every woman that I've been with , without really any exceptions . That's the case of pretty much every single one of my coaching clients and all the women they've been honest with about their erectile dysfunction . I promise you , women are super nice . We will leave it . There will

Pain Points and Coaching Offers

Speaker 1 25:16

wrap up .

Speaker 1 25:16

I have more of these pain points . I'm gonna do more of these episodes in the future . I have also have a lot more pain points on other stuff . You know like pain points that people struggle with when it comes to going on dates , when it comes to losing weight , when it comes to the gym , all that kind of shit . So I'll do more in this series .

Speaker 1 25:33

I will leave a link , like I said in the description , to the video course called play to win . I really recommend grabbing that again . You can literally just pay one dollar for it . I cover all of this kind of stuff like I literally have examples of how to deal with rejection and stuff like that . If you would like even more help with this and you would like coaching , we have the big hardcore coaching program . There's a link in the description to that , and if you would like sort of a little try out version of coaching , I offer one time two hundred dollar calls . You can sit down with me , go over any other sort of stuff that you might be struggling with . I'll give you a plan of action , whatever it is that you want . There's a link in the description below to that . As well as always , ladies and gentlemen , go out there , crush those goals and give yourself permission to suck while you do it . It's okay if you're not perfect . You know we focus on progress , not perfection .